Stool Samples
Last year, Stool Samples briefly touched on the phenomenon of the "sports expert". We pondered what qualifies a media member to reach such an elite position, and wondered if there would ever be a clash between armies of Experts and Insiders. Along the way, it became evident the term "expert" may be tossed around a little too liberally in the online world of sports coverage:
The internet arm of the Sporting News has taken to calling itself "The Expert's Choice". On the surface, there isn't anything real notable about that... But we found that the Sporting News might be taking their self appointed role as the expert's choice a little overboard, when we counted 47 "expert" sportswriters on their roll call.
To counter TSN's unprecedented number of sports experts, Foxsports.com had something to say about holding the title of “expert” close to the company heart. At one time last summer, it listed 80+ experts on their online roster (the list is no longer since the site redesign this past spring).
Over at the WorldWide Leader in Sports, Chris Mortensen is the company’s NFL expert; and it was just a few days ago, when Mortensen filled the position of NFL expert in a way that [\sarcasm] only the most seasoned football journalist-expert-insider could [sarcasm/]:
"For more on why electrocuting, drowning, and hanging dogs could hurt Michael Vick off the field, here's ESPN's NFL expert Chris Mortensen."
We don't remember what Mort said, but we confidently believe it was brilliant. Only an intellectual sports expert could explain to the simpletons why hanging, drowning and electrocuting dogs could hurt someone's standing from a professional standpoint. From a legal standpoint, we’re still eagerly anticipating Roger Cossack’s insight.
In dire times like this, what would we do without the experts spelling out the consequences for us?
Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
“Well they are built on walking and hitting home runs, and they have not been doing that a lot this year. That is their philosophy, as far as walks and home runs.” – Joe Morgan on the Oakland A’s, ESPN.com chat.
We swear we didn’t creatively edit that. So according to our Emmy winning baseball expert, the Oakland A’s philosophy on walks and homeruns is…walking and hitting home runs. Brilliant.
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“And the day I consider VORP is the day I get out of the business. The idea of the MVP is to honor the player who has had the biggest positive impact on the pennant races.” – John Heyman on his selective MVP criteria
And a statistic such as VORP that is designed – by smart people no less - to determine how well someone has played as compared to a league average player at his position surely won’t be able to help you determine who the “Most Valuable” player is, right? If you ask us, anyone who isn’t willing to consider new ways to analyze the sport they cover for a living probably should be the ones getting out of the business.
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"I have two words for (Rams RB Brian Leonard): Advil." - Rams preseason TV analyst, D'Marco Farr
We’ve got one word to describe D’Marco Farr: “football analyst”.
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“There are 30 major league baseball teams, but sometimes it seems as though the New York Yankees are the only team that ever wins the World Series.” – Andy Rooney in the Stamford Times
Don’t be so harsh on old Andy. He just woke up from a relaxing nap that started in November 2000.
Crap that actually came from somebody’s Vick
"From the beginning, some people didn't like Michael Vick because of the way he looks." - Ryan Stewart, 2Live Stews Radio Show
Call us crazy, but we're guessing some people didn't like Michael Vick "from the beginning" because he complained about not being respected as a passer, gave a woman herpes, was implicated in the stealing of an airport security guard's watch, allegedly tried to get through airport security with some marijuana, unconditionally defended his idiot brother and talked in the 3rd person while lying about any involvement regarding a dog fighting ring held on his property.
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"It was a story that people were going to sink their teeth in... it's a piling on... it's the treatment that's over the top."- Rob Parker, Detroit News, describing the Vick coverage from the white media
We're not about to argue that media coverage of any "big story" isn't incessant, but we're trying to figure how the white media has been unfair to Vick considering his name is/was plastered all over the federal indictment painting him as the head of the dog fighting ring. And, oh yeah, he ADMITTED GUILT, too.
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"The Michael Vick we know is not the Michael Vick the media has portrayed. He's a man who loves God.” – Domeka Kelley, pastor of Psalms ministry where Vick donated over $300,000 (per Elizabeth Merrill’s column on ESPN.com)
We get what you’re saying Domeka – we’d like the guy too if he donated $300,000 to us - but for once the media isn’t at fault here. They’re not “portraying” anybody, the dude pled guilty to the charges that the media is constantly referencing.
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“And how is the reaction different if Michael Doleac, Chris Quinn and Jason Kapono fought fans in Detroit instead of three giant black guys with braids and tattoos?” – Dan LeBatard on race perception in sports
To make a comparison like this to prove a point about how things are perceived nationally is to basically assume that the three giant black guys with braids and tattoos were randomly selected to attack fans in the stands. They weren’t. They chose to do it. At the same time, Michael Doleac, Chris Quinn and Jason Kapono have chosen not to do it. If that changes, then this comparison makes sense, until then it’s stupid.
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"Most of the black people I know are good, hard working citizens... at some point, you have to grow up and be a man." - Charles Barkley
Leave it to Charles Barkley to answer as the voice of the reason. It's one of the reasons we think Charles Barkley is the next Charles Barkley of the sports media.
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Media Rant – The Mick Vick situation is Just Like…
When it comes to an incident as unprecedented as the Michael Vick dog fighting trial the media and the people being interviewed by the media all lean on an old pal to help them get their points across, no matter how dumb they make them sound. That old friend is a standard equation. Example: Activity A involves animals, Activity B involves animals, so naturally Activity A = Activity B.
Sometimes the comparisons work, sometimes they don’t, but all that matters is that they’re a simple way to force everyone not to look at the actual issue at hand. And isn’t that the point?
Here are some of our favorites over the past week:
Dog fighting = Bullfighting
“And it can be jarring to see one of your own lose his livelihood and freedom and name for something that isn't a lot different than bullfighting.” – Dan LeBatard Miami Herald
Of course, this comparison would be a little more relevant if bullfighting was a big underground sport in the United States. As it stands, we haven’t seen many matadors showing off in the alleys lately. Comparing dog fighting to something that is a part of a culture half way across the world isn’t really relevant to how it is perceived here.
Dog fighting = Deer Hunting
“We don’t say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals.” – Stephon Marbury
This has become one of the more popular comparisons to be thrown out there in reference to Vick. While it’s probably a little closer than most, it’s still not all together reasonable to compare deer or turkey hunting unless of course the deer or turkey are being electrocuted, drowned, strangled, tortured, etc. We’re not big hunters personally, but there is certainly a tangible difference between regulated deer hunting and dog fighting.
Dog fighting = Killing a Human
"In some instances, I believe Michael Vick has received more negative press than if he would've killed a human being..The way he is being persecuted, he wouldn't have been persecuted that much had he killed somebody." - RL White, Atl NAACP
Is there anyone out there who honestly believes that the coverage and so-called “persecution” wouldn’t have been as intense on Mike Vick if he would have pled guilty to murder? Anyone? RL, put your hand down, you don’t count.
Mike Vick Felony = Joe Montana Skipping the Super Bowl
Rob Parker of the Detroit News compared the criticism associated with Mike Vick’s incident to Joe Montana skipping the Super Bowl ceremony last year because Montana allegedly wanted more money (something he denied). According to Parker, because Montana is white he is not viewed as a “greedy athlete”.
"Joe Montana doesn't show up at the Super Bowl in Detroit. If that was Michael Vick that didn't show up at the Super Bowl, it would have been blown out of proportion... The fans have a problem with black athletes who make a lot of money."- Rob Parker, Detroit News
Got to admit, we’re having a real tough time drawing any parallels between Joe Montana skipping a ceremony at the Super Bowl and Vick killing dogs for personal entertainment. We’re also having difficulty thinking of black athletes whom white people despise because of their money, since Reggie Bush, LaDainian Tomlinson, Shaq, LeBron James and Dywane Wade make tons of money and “white people don’t hate them”.
Dog fighting = Fishing and Horse Racing
“We hunt for horned trophies to hang on our walls. We traumatize fish for the pure joy of stalking and dominating them. We sip mint juleps and celebrate the "sport of kings," but tsk, tsk look the other way when thin thoroughbred legs snap under pressure.”– Stephen Nohlgren, St. Petersburg Times
First off, until trainers put two horses in a ring and have them fight to the death, we’re pleading with everyone to stop the “dog fighting is no worse than horse racing” argument that we’ve seen several places. It’s uneducated and weak.
Secondly, a message for Mr. Nohlgren: Are you freaking crazy? Look the other way when the horse snaps it’s leg? Were you in a coma for the 6 solid months of Barbaro coverage culminating in the hour long documentary on NBC after the horse was euthanized? If you’re going to say that people look the other way when a horse breaks down at a scrub track in Western Illinois that’s okay, but don’t act like when it happens on a large public stage that the country ignores it. Quite the opposite.
Trained Pit Bulls = Hitler SS Men
“The dogs, many of them pit bulls descended from canines used in British blood sports centuries ago, go through a training as elaborate -- and brutal -- as that of a Mussolini brownshirt or a Hitler SS man” – Georgia Anne Geyer, Yahoo News
Our personal favorites. We suppose it’s not a stretch to compare pit bull training to that of an elite group of Nazi soldiers specifically chosen to protect Hitler and lead mobile killing units during World War II. Not a stretch at all.
Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig, cofounders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.com. They swear all this stuff is real. Email them at info@joesportsfan.com