Stool Samples

For years now, Jose Canseco has been painted as being a muscle-bound buffoon.   He was nothing more than the oaf who wore too much bronzer and giggled whenever he talked about putting needles into other players’ buttocks. 

The media in particular loved to foster this perception.  Stories involving the former MVP were always reported as if they were nothing more than a nuisance and often contained a hint of what seemed to be comical pity. 

Poor Jose, he was just the cash strapped moron who wouldn’t close him mouth.

Now, with his latest rounds of allegations hitting the mainstream, our opinion of Canseco is slowly changing.  Oh we still think he’s kind of an idiot, that opinion is shaped by his Surreal Life stint more than anything, but we’re starting to enjoy watching the Bash Brother play the media like Kenny G plays the tenor sax. 

Every time Canseco comes out with some new cryptic claim in a transparent attempt to sell books, the gullible media is standing by his side waiting to lap it up.  His most recent antics include going on Boston’s WEEI and throwing around completely unfounded rumors about guess who?  The player who probably attracts more media attention than any other in the game – Alex Rodriguez. 

Like clockwork, the story is plastered all over every major sports site within a few days – exactly where Canseco intended.   Canseco masks it by portraying himself as a martyr fighting only for the greater good and the mainstream media tries to demonstrate their superior intelligence by acting as if they’re only reporting it to show how ridiculous he is. 

And with loads of free publicity provided by the very people who act as if he’s the scum of the earth, Canseco’s next book is poised to hit the bestsellers list shortly after it’s released. 

Six months from now, when Jose is on some soapbox yelling about how he did steroids with Terrell Owens, David Beckham, Tom Brady and Michelle Wie, only one group will pay him any attention – unfortunately it will be the group that controls everything we see and read about sports on a daily basis. 

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
"Never in my life have I heard such dizzying, laughable double-talk. Yes, as the commissioner of baseball, (Bud Selig) is willing to acknowledge that something notable is happening in his hometown." - Jay Mariotti

Mariotti has obviously never listened to himself on Around the Horn.
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”Tony Taylor, one of Michael Vick’s co-defendants in the dog fighting case, already made a deal with prosecutors. That was a quick flip. Who’s his lawyer, Bela Karolyi?” – Michael Ventre

One thing that modern sports lack is a good supply of Bela Karolyi jokes.  C’mon people, Ventre can’t do it himself.
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 “Hey, I'm a football guy. It's what I do. To say I'm not disappointed would not be correct. I'm very disappointed. I believe that 100 percent of the audience, whether it's Sunday night or Monday, wants to be entertained and educated about football. We have enough shows on ESPN about issues all over the place. To me, when you call it Monday Night Football, the expectation of the fan is to see football, and hear about football." – Joe Theismann on being relieved of his MNF duties (in an article by Leonard Shapiro in the Washington Post)

We sympathize with Theismann in that we could all use a little less fluff from our Monday Night broadcast (Christian Slater interviews and all), but someone just needs to come right out and tell Joe that he was replaced for one main reason -  Jaworski is way better. 
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“Now, granted he might have been to a dogfight a time or two, maybe five times, maybe 20 times, may have bet some money, but he's not the one you're after. He's not the one you're after; he's just the one who’s going to take the fall -- publicly."– Emmitt Smith, ESPN

Smith is filling the void left by Michael Irvin quite nicely.  Welcome aboard, Emmitt.
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"The fact is, there is no way for Vick to win here. Even if he wins in court, the damage will be severe. A bar fight, a substance abuse problem, all of that can be dealt with. But in the public's mind, dog fighting is somewhere between wife-beating and the ultimate sin, point-shaving." - Mark Kriegel, Foxsports.com

Man, think about how bad it will be if people find out that a player beat his wife for refusing to shave points during a dog fight. The guy who does that will never be “Now”.
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"That's why they call it the hot corner - some hot shots come that way."- Joe Morgan

We’re shocked that Joe didn’t tell everyone that he came up with the term back in ’64.
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Media Rant – The Over Dramatic Steel Cage Extravaganza
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to get ready for the main event - the Stool Samples Steel Cage Match!  Tonight we’ve got two titans of the industry facing off in an all out brawl to see whose column will reign as the most overdramatic of the past few weeks. 

Both men are fed up with the current state of sports and they’re using their positions as major columnists to let you the fan know about it. 

It’s Rick Morrissey of the Chicago Tribune versus Bill Plaschke of the LA Times! We’ve got a slobber knocker on our hands!!

"Newsprint is messy, but so is betrayal, so our task today is clear. Roll up this section. Hold it to your mouth like a megaphone. Step outside your front door.  Scream at sports."- Bill Plaschke, LA Times

Plaschke comes out swinging with strong claims that fans have been betrayed...by sports.  Those are strong words, can Morrissey respond?

"If allegations against ref Tim Donaghy are true… If the new cycling doping allegations are true… If the allegations against Barry Bonds are true… If it's all a fraud, why should we watch?"- Rick Morrisey, Chicago Tribune

Big counter by Morrissey with the ultimate tool of the over dramatic writer – the rhetorical question…This is sure to be a battle.

“Sports are always screaming at you to love, honor and buy.  Just this once, just this week, it's time to scream back.”– Plaschke

Sports fans physically expressing their anger at sports! Plaschke will not go down without a fight!

"But there is something about sports that sets it apart from most other forms of entertainment. It's real. Or at least it's supposed to be real. If it isn't, then a home run in baseball might as well be treated the same as an Inverted Atomic Drop in pro wrestling."– Rick Morrissey

Another big shot landed by Ricky.  Comparing mainstream sports to pro wrestling is a veteran move by the supremely talented Morrissey.  You can tell this isn’t Rick’s first dance, he is most certainly a veteran of melodramatic pieces.

“During these generally slow times of the summer, I enjoy writing what some of the more cynical among us refer to as "tear jerkers."  This summer, I've mostly written jerk tearers.”– Bill Plaschke

Ooh, a huge play on words by Plaschke.  That might have gotten him right back into this bout. 

"If this doesn't bother you, then you have given up. Your heart has stopped beating." – Rick Morrissey

Wow, what a battle we have here! Plaschke is throwing out puns while Morrissey counters with theatrical lines about your heartbeat.  This is anyone’s match, but one thing is for sure - we’re all going to be in tears when this is over.

"Go ahead, scream." - Bill Plaschke

Plaschke is spent, he’s re-using lines about screaming at “sports”. This is a spectacular Steel Cage battle. 

“Maybe the question we need to ask ourselves is whether we want real. Some of the evidence suggests we don't.” – Rick Morrisey

And that’s it, the ref has stepped in and called the bout! What a development.  Morrissey went for the kill when he somehow, someway managed to criticize the fans too.  No one is safe from his wrath. 

Drama, sappiness, preaching – this matchup had it all!

Jackie MacMullan on Stroking Receivers and Snatching Balls
Jackie, we hear you've been "seeing things".  What exactly did Randy Moss do to Tom Brady's balls?

"I saw Moss rise above all the other receivers and snatch those balls out of the air."

And now Brady is gushing over Moss.  You think he's being honest with Randy and the media, or is Tom just trying to keep the often volatile Moss happy with some constant public praise?

“He's stroking him just like he should."

Being juvenile = fun.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com