Stool Samples

In case you haven’t heard, the Philadelphia Phillies set an unfortunate record 2 weeks ago against the Cardinals.  Franchise loss number 10,000 made the rounds on the newspaper, internet, TV circuit over the past few days, briefly bumping Gary Sheffield’s comments as the latest issue to be awarded the title of “most ridiculous thing to have been treated like a real news story.”

Unfortunately for the Phillies, one of the potential side effects of being around for 122 years is that you’ll lose a few games.  The story somehow morphed from meaningless piece of trivia into a reason to critique the franchise, as if the number carried some significance. 

It doesn’t take a mathlete to figure out that, when a team plays upwards of 162 games a year for 122 years, it’s not that grandiose of an accomplishment to lose 10,000 games.  In fact, just to dispel any notion that this was some historical exercise in futility as the media has painted it, here are the projected loss totals for some other MLB franchises when they hit the 122-year mark:

Royals: 9656 losses

Marlins: 9800 losses

Orioles: 9848 losses

Rangers: 10,022 losses

Rockies: 10,040 losses

Padres: 10,106 losses

Devil Rays: 11,340 losses

See, Royals fans, as hard as it may be to believe it now, there are actually crappier franchises out there than yours. 

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"What does it mean to be "NOW"?  On the field accomplishments, off the field buzz.  To be "NOW", you simply have to have it all." - Jay Harris, ESPN

This NOW business on ESPN sucks worse than Karl Ravech’s toupee.
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"Larry Lucchino and Kevin Towers believe it's a lot easier to build a winning team in a pitcher's ballpark - Seattle being a good example, San Francisco another example." - Peter Gammons

This argument loses some fuel since neither the Mariners or Giants have reached the playoffs since 2003.

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"Confidence is 99% of this game.  If you feel like you're going to get a hit, most of the time you have a good chance."– Joe Morgan

By this logic, even the best hitters only "feel" hits 35% of the time and talent is not necessary to play baseball.

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“I think he'll develop the power that Rollins currently displays while being a faster and more exciting player. He's the most exciting player in the big leagues today.” – Steve Phillips when asked if he would take Jimmy Rollins or Jose Reyes.

We all know the rules – you can’t mention Jose Reyes without claiming he’s the most exciting player in the game.  Just keeping you on your toes, Steve.  
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“Jose Reyes shows that rocket he’s got hanging on the right side of his body.” – Joe Buck

Don’t forget that it’s the most exciting rocket in baseball. 
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"The most exciting player, dynamic player." - Eric Young
"Electric." - Fernando Vina on Jose Reyes

At this point, Jose Reyes could run for President and the sports media would willingly be his campaign manager. 
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“Second-year player Joe Klopfenstein provides excellent size and strength for the tight end position and had a very solid season as a rookie." – Scouts Inc.

Klopfenstein’s supposedly “solid” season included 20 receptions, 226 yards and 1TD as a rookie.  Safe to say we have some disagreements with the vernacular of Scouts Inc. 
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"These are statements coming from Kenny Lofton, who wasn't there (when Sheffield was there), and it's also coming from Darryl Strawberry who wasn't there when Sheffield and Lofton were there."- Joe Morgan

Gary Sheffield was a member of the Yankees from 2004-2006.  Kenny Lofton was there for one season, in 2004.  Good fact checking, Joe.
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"I think my wife is more excited to be here (at the ESPYs)."- Wayne Gretzky

Translation: “This ceremony sucks.  I can’t believe I have to be here.  And to think, ESPN has the audacity to call it the ‘greatest night in sports’.  What a load of crap that is.”

Translation #2: “Janet bet 3g’s on LT winning athlete of the year, so she’s on pins and needles waiting for the announcement.”
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”(The Lions) will win a Wild Card.” – Skip Bayless

Just keep this one on the record, folks.  Something tells us that if this bold prediction doesn’t come through, Skip will elect not to acknowledge it.
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“The signs were there on May 1, 1883, when the Philadelphia Phillies squandered a three-run lead over the Providence Grays and lost their first game, 4-3.  The Phillies were destined to be more than merely a bad team.” – Helene Elliot, LA Times

The way we see it, so long as the world doesn’t end when the Mayans predicted it, (December, 2012), or Bud Selig doesn’t destroy the sport before then, it’s very likely most every MLB team will lose 10,000 games at some point or another.

The Media Rant – Let them Speak for Themselves
It might not seem like it, but sometimes we fret over the quotes that are used in this column.  We really have no intention of manipulating quotes or to take items out of context to serve our selfish purposes, because frankly, the Mainstream Media provides plenty of material that doesn’t need our help to look stupid.

So today we will graciously step aside and allow one of our favorites to make his own bed by providing an uninterrupted transcription of an actual conversation he was involved in.  To set it up, it was a Sportscenter discussion between John Kruk, Brian Kenny and the man of the hour, Steve Phillips.  Phillips kicks off the conversation about Barry Bonds’ eventual record breaking homerun with this beauty:

“I think that the commissioner, Bud Selig, should actually say that Barry Bonds should not play on the road and should break this record at home… it would be a black eye for baseball forever.  I think it absolutely has to be that he’s told and forced to break this record at home.” 

His counterpart, Mr. Kruk, rightfully disagreed and we were off to the races…

Phillips:“You think about Henry Aaron’s record, rounding second base, the two fans come out of the stands to greet him, that’s what we remember about what Henry Aaron did.  Worst case scenario, imagine Barry Bonds on the field, people charging him, throwing syringes… you could have people doing this…."

Kenny – “John’s point is you have teams that could be affected by it.  This is the still the best offensive player on the team.”

Phillips– “(the Giants are) a last place team”

Kruk – “let’s just say they forfeit all their games and they only play at home then.”

Phillips– “I understand you reaction, that’s everyone’s initial reaction but the reality is, this needs to happen in San Francisco for the best interests of baseball.”

Kruk – “tell that to the Dodgers and Padres who are battling it out for the division lead.”

Phillips– “Get over it.”

Kruk – “yeah, get over it.  That’s great.  Don’t play your best ball, let us win.”

Kenny – “What if you’re at the start of a four game road trip, would you give him four games in a row, a whole series off?”

Phillips- “I think you have to do it.  Imagine how ugly this could be.  It has to happen at home.”

Kruk – “It’s going to get even uglier for a bunch of teams in that division if he doesn’t play.”

Phillips– “A little pain right now compared to the historical perspective of what this will be is worth it."

Kenny – “Well he brought that on himself then if there’s that much reaction around baseball, that didn’t happen to other people.”

Phillips– “Doesn’t matter.  When he’s gone it’s going to be about the game.  We’re devaluing the game if this happens on the road.”

Kruk – “We’re devaluing the game if you say ‘don’t play against this team, but you can play against this team’.  That’s devaluing the game. Barry Bonds getting booed and maybe having some stuff thrown at him – which pretty much every player who has ever played has had – that’s part of it.”

Phillips– “You can devalue the game a little bit this year but for the long term impact, the historical perspective for the next 10, 15, 20 years for that to be the case, it’s not worth it.”

To recap, Steve Phillips believes that the league should mandate that Barry Bonds only play home games so that he doesn’t break the record on the road, essentially deeming the that media and television coverage of this record is more important than the actual games themselves…and he does all this while claiming it’s to prevent “devaluing” the game. 

Sometimes this column is just to easy.

A Monumental Occasion
We’ve just been informed that the misuse of the word “to” in the previous segment was Stool Samples’ 10,000th grammatical error!  Can you believe that?  What an unfortunate honor that is! Who could have ever imagined such a record for futility would be set? 

10,000 GRAMMAR ERRORS! 

You should see the scene here, hundreds of fans are lined up outside the JoeSportsFan offices holding up clever signs about the occasion.  Stay tuned for a special presentation, “Chasing 10,000: Stool Samples” immediately following the best of Mike and Mike in the Morning.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig – cofounders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.com.  They swear this media stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com.