Stool Samples

Needless to say, holiday weeks at the Worldwide Leader in Sports tend to bump the starters to the bench and give the young, up and coming reserves a chance to shine.  Even though Stool Samples crew doesn’t expect optimum performance from the role players, we were still a bit caught off guard when we stumbled onto a Michael Smith hosted version of Jim Rome is Burning. 

Proving the show is completely scripted and devoid of any original thought from the person talking, Smith’s exercise in Rome Burning was, how should we say this in one word… awkwardly bad (okay; that’s two words).  Here is a paraphrased sampling of Smith opening Monday’s episode.  While reading, envision Michael’s discussion the sports equivalent of Dave Chapelle’s white guy impersonation and the level of awkward and unintentional humor will all make sense:

"WELcome!

What is UP?

We have a terrific show for you today!

But FIRST... …here is what I am BURNING ON!"

An hour following Michael Smith’s performance, Pardon the Interruption took center stage with Kornheiser and Wilbon enjoying some time off.  So who did ESPN replace A-1 and A-1.5 with?  THE Dan LeBatard and J.A. Adande.

Nothing wrong with that, but we’re imagining the conversation to make the scheduling decision something along the lines of, “We need a replacement for Wilbon and Kornheiser.  … NO; that won’t work!!!  We need two people to REPLACE them…I need a black and a white, you idiot!”

Like most American sports fans, we were just disappointed we didn't get to see Woody Paige and Skip Bayless take the helm of PTI.  Give those boys their chance!

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"I think he's one of the most exciting players in the game." - Eric Young on Jose Reyes

"Jose Reyes is the most exciting player in the Major Leagues!" - Steve Phillips

It’s about time that the FCC stepped in and made it an official rule that every time someone mentions Jose Reyes, they must use the word “exciting” in some form.  

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“Among 12- to 34-year-old U.S. viewers of the recent NBA Finals, 72% were instant messaging, e-mailing, text messaging or talking on the phone while watching.  A Solutions Research Group survey also found viewers over 35 were three times more likely than younger viewers to not do those things as they watched.” – Michael Hiestand, USA Today

So the 50 year old men watching the NBA Finals at the local VFW weren’t texting each other about it? Allow us to offer up our analysis of this revelation: no shit.

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"What a shot! You could slice that up and make about three (home runs) out of it."– Tim McCarver, via USA Today

We aren’t sure what scares us more: the thought of McCarver mentally dividing up the feet of the home run by 3 (which we’re sure he did for a good amount of time), or the fact that national media beat writer Michael Hiestand thought the quote was so clever that he’d list it in his “Sports on Television” column.

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"You watch Hunter Pence play and there's nothing that would tell you he's as gifted as he is." - John Kruk

You listen to John Kruk talk and there’s nothing that would tell you he played baseball professionally (sorry; we couldn’t resist).

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"With so many pitchers out, the Cardinals have been forced to rely on former relievers, including Anthony Reyes and Kip Wells, who are a combined 2-19." - ESPN.com News Services

Former relievers?  In their last 183 combined games, Kip Wells and Anthony Reyes have started 182 of them.  Great stat checking guys.  

"Neither of us are ignorant.  We're both savvy."- Jay Mariotti on he and Woody Paige

We can attest to several thousand people who might object to that, many of whom are reading this right now.  And if Schlereth hears that you’ve stolen the word savvy from him, he’s likely to maul you with his bare hands.

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Fernando Vina has no idea where he’s going with this…

Having watched Fernando Vina as a part-time studio analyst for our hometown Cardinals last year, we were, how do we say this politely, “surprised” that ESPN gave him a job as Baseball Tonight analyst.  Vina has a knack for offering up little to no insight all while rambling in a manner that leaves us shaking our heads.  (Note: when he’s on-set, he reminds us of a nervous teen trying to talk to the girl he covets.  Keep that in mind next time you watch him and it might make it worthwhile.)  

We’ve often wondered if the Baseball Tonight production crew watched sample tapes of Vina from 2006; and if they did, we would like to enjoy some of the product they were smoking at the time.  We also wondered what Vina thought of Sammy Sosa’s 600th career home run.  

Fortunately, he didn’t disappoint on a recent episode of Baseball Tonight.

"It's just as special as it can come...  It's an accomplishment that is out of this world....  I mean, Sammy has just been incredible...  I mean, it's been such a special run for him and for him to do it against his former club, the Cubs, it just gives you a little more adrenaline, a little more fire, and I'm sure he really wanted to hit that against the Cubs and do what he did.  I mean it's just a special night and it's something we'll never forget… (it’s) so special and it's just been a great, great story. "

And if you were wondering Vina’s take on Michael Barrett’s trade to San Diego, well then, consider yourself double lucky:

"I knew when (Barrett) got into the brawl with Zambrano and they got into the dugout and they got into it, someone had to go.  And Michael Barrett is the one that is going to have to go; I mean that's the bottom line.  You can't get in a fight or get into it with your ace and that's the bottom line and that's what happened there."

Thanks for the clarity, Fernando.

Souvenirs from Coney Island

One of the great traditions of the 4th of July holiday is the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest at Coney Island.  Ever since Takeru Kobayashi exploded onto the scene and won the first of his six consecutive titles, the event has gained steam and become a must see TV spectacle.  As much as we like watching grown men cram water-logged hot dog buns into their mouths, part of the appeal has become the unapologetic hyperbole that the announcers bring to the table.  Here is this year’s finest…

“Jaw arthritis is the equivalent of a groin injury in the NFL.” – Paul Page

”(Kobayashi will) be a lunchtime decision.” – Paul Page

“First off Sadarahu Oh is a fraud, okay.  Gedde Watanabe is a true Japanese hero. He’s the guy who played Long Duck Dong in Sixteen Candles.” – Rich Shea

“Is (Kobyashi) really, …pardon this… the under-DOG?”– Paul Page

“(Patrick Bertoletti) ate 46 to qualify, that’s two hot dogs for every day Paris Hilton spent in jail and he’s dedicating the contest to Nicky Hilton.”– Rich Shea

“I don’t know if you’ve ever had your wisdom teeth removed, but I’ll tell you, it's a pain like a Peyton Manning cell phone commercial.” – Rich Shea

“If he can hang on, you Google ‘American hero’ tomorrow and you’re gonna get Abe Lincoln, possibly Neil Armstrong, Taylor Hicks and then this man, of course, Joey Chestnut.”– Shea

“For Kobayashi to come out here and eat like this is a singular instance of valor.  It is nothing short of amazing.” – Shea

“This would be the greatest moment in the history of American sports if Chestnut can bring the belt back home to Coney Island.” – Shea

We think we finally found the announcers who could make Arena Football interesting to watch on TV. 

Well At Least He Got a Phone Call

The face of tennis on NBC, Bud Collins, has apparently been fired after 35 years of employment.  We tend to be indifferent to the matter, considering we’re not exactly tennis fans.  However, upon learning Collins was “fired” via his voicemail, we’re beginning to think the executives at NBC Sports might be a little callous and aren’t exactly catering to their fans’ needs, what with Brett Hull’s release a month ago.

However, after it was pointed out to us that Bud Collins was Chris Berman before Chris Berman [USA Today says, his “best-known trait has been creating colorful nicknames for players, such as "Basel Dazzle" (Roger Federer) and "Fraulein Forehand" (Steffi Graf)], we’re thinking we’re going to leave a message of our own on Bud’s voicemail.

Hey, no matter how old he is or unfair his firing was, there is no excuse for trailblazing the path for Boomer.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com