Stool Samples
In the event you cared what Snoop Dogg has to say regarding the Kobe Bryant saga in Los Angeles, consider yourself lucky. Foxsports.com ran a video exclusive to their Web site in which Snoop Doggy Dizzle (**bonus points for hip writing**) sounded off on the plight of Kobe Favre’s indecisiveness:
“I totally agree with him as far as the people up top not making him happy. He’s the best player in basketball. You already gave up the number two player which is Shaq, now you want to give up number 1? Let’s keep Kobe, y’all, let’s get it back together. I think that was the only move he could pull to get their attention. I know he doesn’t want to leave. He’s a Laker by nature, he bleed purple and gold.”
While we’re a bit befuddled as to why Snoop Dog’s opinion counts as “sports analysis”, especially when he suddenly became a Golden State Warrior fan during their brief playoff run, and we disagree with Snoop’s rankings of the #1 and #2 NBA players, but we admit that there is something inherently entertaining about the D-O-Double G (**more bonus points**) offering up basketball commentary.
It can’t be any worse than Kruk, right?
Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"I think you and I and the rest of the NFL world is more concerned about the situation than Michael Vick is. He has not conducted himself like a guy who is nervous about the outcome of the investigation." – Michael Smith, ESPN
Translation: “Michael Vick is an a**hole.”
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"There are Hall of Famers with a lower completion percentage and lower career quarterback rating than what Michael Vick has." - Michael Smith, justifying Vick’s on field career as more successful than some believe
Believe it or not, Smith is accurate with his assessment. He does fail to mention, however, that every one of the 9 Hall of Fame quarterbacks with a lower career passer rating than Vick played before or during the “Dead Ball Era”, the period from 1966-1977 featuring the stingiest scoring defenses and most inept offenses in modern NFL history.
But if we were to play along with Smith’s analysis for what makes Michael Vick “better than they say”, we’d point out to him that Aaron Brooks, Jay Fiedler, Jon Kitna, Erik Kramer and Bobby Hebert all have higher career passer ratings than Vick. Hey, we’re just saying.
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”To me, Roger Clemens is the third greatest pitcher in the history of baseball behind Walter Johnson and either Cy Young or Lefty Grove, however you want to look at it.” – Tim Kurkjian, ESPN
Well, Tim, regardless of how you look at it, if you think Roger Clemens is the third best pitcher in the history of baseball, you can’t have three listed ahead of him.
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"How did you feel Draft Weekend; the first three picks all went defensive?" - Trey Wingo to Marc Bulger
What Marc should have said: “Well Trey, I’m not sure how to respond to that because we took a running back with our second pick. Considering this is a taped interview and you and the production crew at NFL Live failed to catch the error before airing is kind of silly.”
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“Bryant is bitching about his supporting cast? Check out the garbage James has to work with in Cleveland, Kobe. Shut up, Kobe.” – Gregg Doyel
We’re never afraid to dish out accolades to media members when they make a great point – even when it’s Gregg Doyel.
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“A coach can only test himself if he has the opportunity to do his best. What Donovan will discover is that the Orlando Magic will not give him that. Realistically, it’s a long shot for Donovan to lead his team into the league’s elite. Donovan will fail in NBA, just like Pitino.” – Michael Ventre, msnbc.com
Something tells us Donovan reads Ventre’s columns. Otherwise he would have kept his job. If Ventre says it than it must be true.
To Criticize LeBron or Not to Criticize LeBron
Moreso than in any other major sport, NBA’s young stars are instantly lined up with a historical counterpart – and no matter whether it is warranted or not, they are constantly compared throughout the early stages of their career. LeBron James couldn’t just be LeBron James, he had to be the next Magic, the next Jordan.
After he elected to dish to Donyell Marshall instead of taking the final shot in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals two weeks ago, media members were tripping over themselves to claim that LeBron wasn’t fit to be compared to Jordan. Jordan would have never passed that ball they claimed.
Now, it’s a totally different story. After LeBron went on his historic rampage in Game 5 and led the Cavs to their first NBA Finals, now he is so totally like MJ…
"Can you believe that we ever questioned (LeBron James’) heart, competitiveness, drive, willingness to be the man, take the last shot, his ability to takeover games -- and we did all that within the past 10 days." - Jim Rome
"LeBron James performs as heir apparent to Jordan legacy" - Outside the Lines
“LeBron last night was Jordanesque -- that's about the highest compliment I can pay.” – John Hollinger, ESPN.com
“This was Michael Jordan scoring 63 against Boston in the Garden in the 1986 playoffs.”– Gregg Doyel
”Although not even the Elias Sports Bureau could crunch the numbers (this was a stat no one had ever heard of), the NBA believed that no one – not Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Bill Russell, Larry Bird, Oscar Robertson, no one – had ever done this.” - Dan Wetzel, Yahoo Sports
”Now THAT was like Michael Jordan. Maybe better, because Jordan never quite did anything like what LeBron James did to the Detroit Pistons here Thursday in his Cavs taking a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference semifinals with a 109-107 victory.” – Sam Smith, msnbc.com
“An absolutely Jordanesque performance!” – Charley Rosen
“This game was better than Michael Jordan’s 63 at the Garden.” – J.A. Adande
”This is what we’ve been waiting for from LeBron James …Jordanesque? Yes it was.” – Woody Paige
”Woe there about transcending Jordan, I need to see LeBron win a championship first, but this was Jordanesque. Best of all, he shut up all his critics, ourselves included. I never thought I’d see the stuff that I watched Michael Jordan do back in the ‘90s.” – Jay Mariotti
Stuart Scott Might Soon Wear an Eye Patch
This past winter, we noted that Fox NFL Sunday’s Jimmy Johnson stepped onto an ESPN set for a pre-Super Bowl interview. What made the occasion so special wasn’t the fact that a FOX talking head was conversing with an ESPN personality; rather it was that Johnson was sponsored by Sam’s and MasterCard.
The odd turn of events left us with this thought,
“Just when you thought advertising couldn’t get a stronger grip on the sports world, media members are now being bought and paid for… By this time next year, the suit coats of NFL analysts will resemble NASCAR hoods, and John Madden’s eyebrows will be sponsored by Chaquita.”
Well friends, media members are no longer the only ones being bought and paid for because baseball highlights have entered the fold. On what seemed like your typical Thursday night SportsCenter, viewers were thrown for a loop when the highlight package for the Pirates and Cardinals transcended into a theme fit for Pirates of the Caribbean (since the latest movie “At World’s End” debuted Friday across the country).
The head-scratching cross promotion left the audience with a buffet of snappy lines attempting to intertwine pirate lingo and baseball highlights, including:
“The Pirates will sail into Cincinnati.”
”So Taguchi looks like he got shot out of a cannon.”
The bases being loaded with "Mateys" (or however the hell you spell the plural of ‘Mates’).
A home run described as “We’ve got a ball overboard.”
And the worst display of the highlight segment, ”Yadi-ARRRR Molina”
Whether this cross promotion is a sign of the future has yet to be determined. We are sure, however, that the previously mentioned segment would have been awesomely bad had Scott Van Pelt dressed up as a pirate. And would it have been asking too much to have Steve Levy wear an eye patch?
Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them at info@joesportsfan.com