Stool Samples

For all the faults the mainstream Web sites have (clutter, overzealous video, etc.), at least some of them are attempting to adapt to the blog style of writing.  We’re not referring to the blog structure so much as the voice and content.  A perfect example is Page 2’s A.M. Jump, normally penned by SportsPickle.com founder DJ Gallo.

Each morning, the folks at Page 2 recap a handful of happenings from the previous night’s events.  Throw in some daily odds and a few other quick hitting segments, and you’ve got a pretty solid dose of information and entertainment (depending on the day, of course).
 
Over at msnbc.com, the online hierarchy has decided they need to change with the times, and have attempted to improve an otherwise overwhelming, cluttered mess by adding a quick hitting segment of their own.  Now, before we go any further, we’d like to point out that MSNBC deserves a minor dose of accolades for attempting to add something new to their online arsenal. 
 
Now that we’ve got that out of the way...  
 
Whether it’s the answer to Page 2’s AM Jump, or just a horribly miscast writer penning an even more horrible idea, the simple fact is that “Trash Talk” w/ Michael Ventre is a must read for all the wrong reasons.  
 
For those unfamiliar with Ventre, he made his Stool Samples debut last year around this time, with the tired and clichéd comparison of Kobe Bryant to Michael Jordan.  He followed up the stellar performance 2 months later, when he wrote the exact same column, only replacing Kobe with Dwyane Wade as the “new MJ”.  (And for the record, he wrote a column 5 weeks ago titled “Kobe is the 21st Century Wilt”, speaking of Chamberlain; thus succeeding in his quest to compare marquee NBA players to past greats). 

We urge you to go on to msnbc.com and take note of “ Trash Talk”.  Take note of the fact that next to the trashcan logo and the segment name, the subtitle reads “Sports commentary with attitude from Michael Ventre”.  Absorb the fact that, even though it’s 2007, the online editors at MSNBC’s sports page think it’s 1994.  
 
If Trash Talk is hell bent on attitude, then by all means, add JT the Brick to the fold.  That way, when readers scroll on to it, they’ll be reminded of how out of touch some mainstream sports outlets still are.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"It's embarrassing!!!  Kevin Garnett needs to look in the mirror!!!" - Stephen A Smith
 
If Garnett doesn’t look in the mirror, Stephen A. will continue YELLING.  In other words, we’re all screwed.
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"Foul ball off Bengie Molina's Tootsie. It hit him right in the Tootsie!! Ha Ha. Now he's doing a Tootsie Roll..." - Mike Shannon, Cardinals’ radio announcer
 
It’s our dream that some how, some way, Mike Shannon broadcasts the All Star game with Harry Caray.  That would give people a reason to tune in.
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"He's the closest thing to Charles Barkley — quick, opinioned, funny, smart, a show-stopping type." - ESPN Executive Producer Jay Rothman on Keyshawn Johnson
 
For the love of God, please, stop.  It was bad enough when Michael Irvin was compared to Barkley, and even worse when Brett Hull got the same treatment.  For the final, final time, no one will duplicate the originality of Charles Barkley.
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“When do you start treating him like Bonds?” – Karl Ravech on A-Rod

Simple answer: when the Yankees start protecting him in the lineup with Pedro Feliz.  

More Crap about A-Rod
“What happens if this continues?  Eighty or Ninety homers?” – John Kruk

“A-Rod and some of these (Yankees) hitters are hot.” – Joe Morgan

“If (Alex Rodriguez) can continue that in October, he’ll have a good postseason.” – Rick Sutcliffe

”The fact that (media members) have gotten so whipped up over Rodriguez’s performance thus far in 2007 – there is still a week to go in April, remember, which means his marvelous month still has a chance to go awry – is part of the problem… A-Rod’s legacy won’t be measured by his Aprils, but rather by his Septembers and Octobers.” – Michael Ventre

To recap, John Kruk thinks A-Rod could do this all year (which, we admit, isn’t entirely impossible), Joe Morgan thinks A-Rod is “hot”, and Rick Sutcliffe thinks hitting a bazillion homeruns in the playoffs is a good thing.  Oh, and Michael Ventre thinks A-Rod’s achievements are pointless unless they help enhance his “legacy”, which oddly enough, is generated by people like him.

Media Rant – Wednesday Conversation w/ Tiki Barber
One of the two new cogs to the ’07 version of NBC’s Football Night in America, Tiki Barber, made his network TV debut 2 weeks ago Monday on the Today Show.  To ensure Today viewers would welcome Tiki into their living rooms with open arms, NBC published a Tiki Barber puff piece online.  
 
After slamming our heads against our JSF Corporate monitors, we managed to pull some of the more ridiculous quotes and have managed to craft them into our own conversation with the perfect man.  
 
JSF: Tiki, please tell us why you chose to retire when you did.
 
Tiki: "[Fans wonder] how can I throw away making a ton of money, being a popular sports figure, to do something else?  It’s confusing because they don’t have the answer.”
 
JSF: Mainly people want to know why you feel the need to gush about yourself at every available opportunity, any explanation?  

Tiki: “I want to be a Renaissance Man.”
 
JSF: You mean, you want to read all the intellectual books you boast that you hold in your home library?  Stuff like the Harry Potter series, “Moby Dick” and Barack Obama’s “The Audacity of Hope? 
 
Tiki: “It’s a great responsibility to me, so I have to work to get to that same point as I was as a football player.”
 
JSF: Reading Harry Potter books is definitely an arduous task, isn’t it? 
 
Tiki: “That’s the challenge in it. That’s why I love it, because I love a challenge.”
 
JSF: And how about that Sudoku?  That gave you fits for a long while, didn’t it?
 
Tiki: “I never failed because I never stopped trying.  These failures that came along, they happened to me, but I didn’t let them conquer me, so I never did fail.”

JSF: But after Sudoku you shifted your focus to Jenga, why?

Tiki: “It got to the point where I couldn’t reinvent myself any more…When you hit the top, what do you aspire to?”
 
JSF: And reinventing yourself is held very dear to your heart.  I guess that helps explain why you dressed up as a Dragon for this interview, no? 
 
Tiki: “My entire career, from the time I was a rookie to 10 years later, my goal was to constantly reinvent myself into something powerful.”
 
JSF: What can football fans (those of us with inferior minds) expect from Tiki Barber on the set of Football Night in America - with or without the Dragon costume?
 
Tiki: ”If I have an opinion, I’m going to tell you.  And I’m going to keep telling you until you shut me off, and that’s really what telling stories is about.”

JSF: Wow; you will fit in just fine with so many of your fellow mainstream colleagues with that philosophy.  Do you really think the object of your man-crush, Matt Lauer, would approve?

Tiki: “Getting to know Matt and seeing Matt do what he does and having a trust and a confidence about himself in delivering the room whether it be putting on a silly Halloween costume or interviewing the president, he’s the kind of person that I want to be.  I’m honored to be able to learn from him a little bit and direct my path.”
 
JSF: So if he asked you to take part in bondage and role-play 5 minutes before the Today Show, you’d have the courage to broadcast wearing nothing but steel wool underpants?

Tiki: “Eventually I want to be able to do anything.”

Mel Kiper Awards Chris Berman “F” Draft Grade
Within 15 seconds after Roger Goodell officially announced that the Raiders were on the clock, Chris Berman succeeded in ruining our personal viewing experience.  Boom reeled off the following about the 2006 Raiders, “They were Raiders of the lost ark.” 

Sure it didn’t make any sense, but that’s never stopped him before, right?  And that was just the beginning of an arduous television experience.  Within the first 13 picks, Berman dropped the following crap.

”Counter Trey Wingo”

” (The Falcons) traded Matt stump the Schaub.”

”The Miami Dolphins are on the clock.  Is this the time for the Mighty Quinn?”

”Parsley Sage Rosenfels and Thyme.”

”Carriker has character.  Say that three times fast.”

Nothing screams football more than the beautiful intertwining of a Simon and Garfunkel album with Sage Rosenfels.  On a side note, we would have tabulated all other Boomer-isms, but that would have caused our heads to explode.  Since Berman hosted all three rounds on Day 1, our draft nickname experts projected the Salami to execute a minimum of 46 nicknames during Day 1.

Just in case you forgot how much Chris Berman sucks.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them @ info@joesportsfan.com