Stool Samples

Internal Conversation – 4:00 Saturday April 7th

Finally, it’s relaxation time.  The grass is cut and the car has been washed - time to sit down, have a cold one and watch some sports.  When it comes to watching games, nothing beats a Saturday afternoon in April.

The only question is how to choose between all the stuff that is on.  Thank god for Tivo. 

Let’s see, Fox is showing the Mets – Braves game, Smoltz versus Glavine.  Two Hall of Famers and former teammates going head up for the teams likely to battle all year for the NL East title.  Tough to pass up.

ABC is showing some MLS – DC United versus Colorado Rapids.  Hey, I’ m not a huge soccer fan, but there’s something to be said for the season opener in any sport.  

Man, how can you pass up the Masters on CBS?  Like Nantz says, it’s a tradition unlike any other.  And anytime Tiger is lurking near the leader board it makes for good TV.

Hell even NBC is getting in on the action, showing a big time Kentucky Derby prep race in the Santa Anita Derby.  If there’s anytime to be watching horse racing, it’s probably now.

All that to choose from and we haven’t even gotten to the Worldwide Leader yet.  ESPN has to be showing an NBA game or something solid…looks like they have some boxing on, sweet.  Wait, what the hell is this? Evander Holyfield is still boxing?  Hold on, it’s Saturday afternoon in April with all these sports kicking into gear and ESPN is showing a 1995 boxing match between Evander Holyfield and Ray Mercer?  

They must have just finished with some coverage of a big time baseball game or something, let’s take a look at the guide…well, looks like if I would have tuned in a few hours earlier, I would have been able to watch Oklahoma football… spring practice.  Maybe they secretly switched out ESPN with ESPNOklahoma, otherwise who in the hell would want to watch that?

Maybe ESPN 2 has something on.  Nope, just another rerun of American Gladiators.  Hey, if I was in the mood to watch a mulleted bodybuilder named Malibu shoot tennis balls at people, I’d be down, but I’m not feeling that today.  Guess I’ll switch back to the Masters.    

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
”Dice-K was Ice K. He was also 10 K. And Special K.  Maybe even a Japanese Pedro. Or a Pocket Rocket.” – Dan Shaugnessy Boston Globe

Keep ripping on bloggers Dan, with humor like that, it’s clear you’ve got this writing thing all figured out. 
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"We're good friends, but we both know what we have to do. We're in a game of gladiators, and we have to do what we do best, which is execute and gladiate." – Cory Spinks

Uh, Cory, why don’t you let your manager do the talking from now on. 
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“I'm looking forward to a lot of teams playing well and a lot of players playing well.” – Joe Morgan in response to the question “what are you most looking forward to this season?”

This marks the first of many times that we’ll ponder whether Joe Morgan actually watches baseball when he’s not broadcasting it. 
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"Stay in school." - Bill Plaschke, Around the Horn on Kevin Durant

Sure, we had a blast in college, but if there was approximately $40 million waiting for us outside of school, we’d leave early.  Come on, Bill.
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"John Maine was sharp." - Brian Kenny

When did 104 pitches and 6 BB in 4.2 innings qualify as “sharp”. 
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"The game has cheated Barry (Bonds); Barry has not cheated the game."- Bonds' agent Jeff Boras

[Collective frustrated gasp with serious head shaking].
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"I might send (Barry Bonds) a telegram and that would be it."- Hank Aaron

The fact that Aaron wants no part of a Barry Bonds 756 celebration is great, and the fact that he thinks telegrams are still a popular method of communication is even better.
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"(Al Sharpton is) a Civil Rights leader.  That's not the same." - Michael Smith explaining that Sharpton’s past racist comments are acceptable and Don Imus’ are not

If Smith honestly believes that racist commentary is okay if it comes from a ‘civil rights leader’, then that’s kind of scary.
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"(Dice-K) looks like a baseball player out there." - Orel Hershiser

Just some of the top notch insight from our friends on ESPN Dice-K Tonight.

Jim Rome and Steve Phillips are Hip and Cool
"I'm a huge J-Rol guy.  I love his confidence.  I love his swagger." - Jim Rome

"Look; it's hard not to get with Brad Lidge.  He's a stand up guy." - Jim Rome

"(Braden Looper) was nails today." - Steve Phillips

Rome is so “tight” (notice our attempt at hip) with Jimmy Rollins that he calls him by his personal nickname, and much like Peter King, thinks the world of Brad Lidge.  Steve Phillips thinks Rome’s show is dope, by the way.

Power Rankings – Overzealous Announcers and the Stupidity that Ensues
5. Sean Salisbury – When he isn’t showing pictures of his wee-wee to the ladies of Bristol, he’s nickel, diming, and jewing the airwaves.

4. Billy Packer – We believe that Billy had no ill will when he said “fagging out”, but the fact that he guaranteed to use it again and described “the elbow” as Gerald Henderson “going for the ball” keeps him in the heart of stupidity.

3. Michael Irvin – In late November, Irvin unveiled his theory that the ancestors of Tony Romo hit up an African American “stud” to explain Romo’s athleticism.  And even when he isn't being controversial ("grabbing another man's arm") he finds himself in controversy.

2. Colin Cowherd – Seriously?  You’re going to have people temporarily destroy The Big Lead for no reason?  You are what we in the blogging world call a “douchebag”. 

1. Don Imus– Frankly we think the worst part of any controversy surrounding Don Imus is that we have to see multiple pictures of Don Imus. 

Media Rant – The Baseball Tonight Lineup
With the baseball season midway through Week 2, we decided to once again play fantasy baseball owner and piece together a lineup consisting of nothing more than Baseball Tonight analysts.  The ’07 roster has a different look and feel than that of the ’06 squad.  1B Tino Martinez, 2B Harold Reynolds and Closer Jeff Brantley are gone, while Dusty Baker and Fernando Vina represent the only notable hot stove acquisitions. 

 1.) Fernando Vina – 2B – Leading off is a former Major Leaguer who has the innate ability to state the obvious…and to make his goatee look like it was drawn on with a Sharpie.

2.) Buster Olney – SS – Buster is an ideal number two hitter for a number of reasons.  First, the man is intelligent and studies the game very well.  His knowledge is in the top three along with counterparts Gammons and Kurkjian.   He's also very consistent, especially when fawning over the Yankees.  Finally, his name is Buster and that alone would equate to at least a half dozen standing ovations in St. Louis.

3.) John Kruk – 1B – At this point it’s a tough call to determine whether it would be harder to shoe horn Krukie into his nightly Baseball Tonight suit or a polyester baseball uniform.  Either way, two things we see our three hitter needing is a career .300 average and a killer mullet.  By the looks of it, Kruk is going back to the latter, which we are 100% supporting.

4.) Peter Gammons – C – Every team needs that one calming presence on the field and in the clubhouse and Gammons is just that.  And if anyone can salvage this random collection of irrational and inconsistent analysts, it’s Peter – even at 80% health.

5.) Chris Berman – DH – Berman’s primary role on the team will be to annoy the piss out of all opposing batters by screaming at them from the dugout when they come to the plate.  Just the sound of his voice would be enough to throw off a hitter’s timing.

6.) Orestes Destrade – 3B – Orestes got the call from the minors last year (ESPN Deportes) and proved to be serviceable in his rookie season.  

7.) Jayson Stark – LF – The obvious weak spot in the BT order is the outfield.  While Jayson Stark put together a valiant Jose Valentin-level mustache for a few years, his recurring column on espn.com called “Useless Info” pretty much sums up his contribution to this team.  Plus he appears to never shower.

8.) Karl Ravech – CF – Sitting next to Kruk and Reynolds for years greatly increased his production in the all important “dumb comments” stat line.  In centerfield, Ravvy can be a defensive liability, and his outright refusal to wear a hat over his toup…er… hair has become a problem, but he’s a leader in the studio. 

9.) Tim Kurkjian – RF – To borrow a line from Mark Schlereth, Kurkjian is the “savvy” veteran.  The fact that he weighs 90 lbs and can’t throw or hit limits his contributions on the field, but man can he lay down a sacrifice bunt.

Starting Pitcher – Orel Hershiser – The man threw 59 consecutive shutout innings at one point, so we know he can pitch.  But can he make consistently confusing or incorrect statements over the top of baseball highlights?  That’s how we’ll know if we’ve got a star. 

Closer – TBD – With the exit of Jeff Brantley, the BBTN studio is looking for someone to come in and close the door.  Perhaps the returning Steve Berthiume can fill the void, but we’re in favor of spot relief from a highly intoxicated Rick Sutcliffe.

Manager – Dusty Baker – Baker has the unforgiving task of utilizing his co-workers without burning them out, something he miserably failed at in Chicago.  Orel Hershiser has no idea how many long hours he’ll be working.


General Manager – Steve Phillips – Apparently ruining a major MLB franchise is now valid criteria for holding your own mock press conferences and speaking on behalf of all Major League teams. 

Synopsis– They failed to fill some gaping holes from last year – namely shipping Berman off for some prospects – but what can you expect?  That’s what happens when Steve Phillips is running the show.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com