Stool Samples

By now, most everyone is aware ESPN has axed Joe Theismann from the MNF booth and replaced him with the fan favorite, Ron Jaworski.  The move will give viewers the chance to watch a football game on Monday without gouging their eyes or feeling nauseous.  If nothing else, Jaws won't be what Joe Theismann is: full of himself.  All in all, he’ll be a positive addition to the booth.

But where does that leave Joe Theismann? 

With Emmitt Smith replacing Michael Irvin, there doesn’t seem to be a need for Joey T. on the studio shows (though, to be fair, there’s rarely ever a need for Theismann).   As for the 22 hour Monday pre-game show, the usual Sunday crew will be featured, as well as Steve Young, whom we hope will feather us with more of those cutting edge “Young is Restless” segments.

In addition, ESPN has added Bill Parcells and his milky man breasts to the Monday Countdown show, meaning the chances of Theismann getting any airtime on Sundays or Mondays is very slim – and for that, we’re thankful. 

Assuming he’s still contractually obligated to work at ESPN (and it appears he’ll stay with the company), we’ve come up with some suggestions for our aunts and uncles in Bristol on what to do with Joey T.

--Reunite Joe with Mike Patrick and Paul MaGuire for college football telecasts, and watch ratings plummet to record lows.

--Reunite him with Mike Patrick and Paul MaGuire for the ESPN Classic telecasts of the old American Gladiators re-runs, only no one tells them it’s taped. 

-- Keep him in the MNF booth by having him masquerade as the publicized guest.  (Seeing Theismann dress and attempt to act like Sylvester Stallone or Christian Slater would be quality entertainment.)

-- Create an EOE reality game show in which Theismann hosts and his contestants vie for a date with Brett Favre or Tom Brady.

-- Spice up “4 Downs” by having Theismann spar and disagree with both John Clayton and Sean Salisbury.  (If Theismann’s history in the booth is any indication, he’ll find a way to give something other than a true or false answer.)

-- Three words: STUMP THE THEIS.

He’s a know-it-all.  He loves telling people why he’s smarter than them.  And he’s currently one of the least enjoyable color analysts on television.  It fits perfectly.

We see no reason why this shouldn’t happen.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
”The Angels are fortified with a large enough inventory of pitching to allow starters Bartolo Colon and Jered Weaver to slowly work themselves back into shape.” – Tom Verducci

When you use the phrases “large enough inventory of pitching” and “work back into shape” and you’re talking about the guy pictured to the right, there’s no way you’re convincing us that it wasn’t done on purpose.  
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”The majority of the Cardinals' fans still would like to you to believe Mark McGwire isn't a tainted slugger.”- Jose De Jesus Ortiz, Houston Chronicle

We’re betting that if we walked around Busch stadium on any given day and asked adult Cardinals fans whether they thought Mark McGwire did or did not use steroids at some point during his career, 8 out of 10 would choose the former.  The ironic part of this comment is that it’s coming from a newspaper that resides in a city where Jeff Bagwell and Roger Clemens have become baseball legends.  And to be clear, we are insinuating that both of them have used steroids too.  
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“The Hoyas were fourth in the nation on defense, allowing 56.8 points per game and they not only don't let you score, they are intimidating if you even try.” – AP

Those Buckeyes from Ohio State better not try to score, otherwise they’ll wet their pants out of fear (and note the brilliant use of double negatives from our AP friends).
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”Get better (in college).  You don’t get better anywhere else.” – Len Elmore, CBS

Len believes kids who spend time practicing every day at the gym and playing amongst NBA competition are wasting their time.
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”If ESPN wants to take a chance, it could pair Kornheiser with Bill Parcells or Emmitt Smith, recently signed as studio analysts — each would bring star power to the MNF booth.” – Michael Heistand

Not sure how many times we have to go over this, but star power doesn’t provide good analysis.  If it did, Joe Theismann and Sterling Sharpe would still be employed.
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"I didn't spit, I just let it go down, but anyway it's not a big deal.”– Sergio Garcia (via USA Today) on spitting in the cup after missing a putt

We feel you Serg, we hate it when we’re typing and saliva forcefully spews out of our mouth onto our keyboard.
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”Yankees fans who are college sophomores haven't seen their team win the World Series since they were in middle school. What happened to the Bronx Bombers' supposed birthright?” – Foxports.com column intro

You have no idea how much hazing goes on in college strictly based on the fact that you were in middle school when the Yanks last won the Series.  It’s an epidemic really.
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“(Mark Hairston) has a nice package down low.” – James Brown

We’re left to assume Brown’s born-again play-by-play duties have given him access to see nude athletes in the locker room.  Otherwise the word ‘package’ may be something James need to eliminate from his vernacular. 
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”(Mike Conley, Jr.) can jerk it.  He can do it with his left hand or his right hand.” – Bill Raftery

It might be a good idea for CBS to start monitoring their broadcasters.

We Just Got Off the Phone With Peter King…
Since he’s in Phoenix covering the NFL owners’ meetings, we figured now would be a great time to ask SI’s lead football journalist a few of the issues facing the Oakland Raiders. 

Peter, what are the chances Al Davis gambles on Brady Quinn?

”I think you should not count Brady Quinn out of silver and black. Remember where you heard that first.”

Clearly no one else in the football world has mentioned that possibility over the last 3 months, so we’ll definitely remember.  Anyway, are you saying most people think Oakland will draft Brady Quinn instead of JaMarcus Russell?

”I think no one at these meetings really knows what the Raiders will do with the top pick a month from now. Including them.”

But… never mind.  So spell it out for us: who will be the quarterback in Oakland next year?
 
” I could see Daunte Culpepper in Oakland.”

Thanks for the clarity, Peter.

Media Rant of the Week – Writing Under the Influence
As you’ve no doubt heard by now, this week Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence in Jupiter, FL, an incident that, as expected, triggered significant media coverage.  

While we concede that the private lives of these sports celebrities get dragged out into the public eye too often, we certainly can’t criticize the media for that, since this site often does the same.  Good or bad, fair or unfair, it’s become part of the modern day sports landscape.  

What we can criticize is when certain media members, decide to use their forum to grandstand on a social issue and sprinkle into their columns tidbits that are nonsensical, irrational and sometimes just plain idiotic when pontificating on the matter.  LaRussa’s arrest led to plenty of each.  

First up was a blog written by the Houston Chronicle’s Jose De Jesus Ortiz who felt the need to bring LaRussa’s status an animal right activist into the discussion.

If you ran over a dog with no regard in front of La Russa, he and the rest of the PETA folks would think less of you. And if he did commit this crime, he proved that he puts the threat of running over a dog above the possibility that he could have killed some poor child by his recklessness. If that's not hypocrisy, I don't know what is.

When The Stool Samples crew compiles the stupidest quotes of 2007 for the end of the year Craptacular, this one will be on the short list.  In case you weren’t following Jose’s logic there it looks a little like this: 

Man dedicates time and money to Animal Rescue Foundation + Man gets a DUI = Man would rather run over a child than a dog.  

But De Jesus Ortiz wasn’t alone in his over-the-top coverage of the LaRussa story.  Alongside we had old friend Keith Law of ESPN.com, Carol Slezak of the Chicago Sun-Times and Bryan Burwell of the hometown St. Louis Post-Dispatch making giant leaps in logic in order to make their point…

“In the Cardinals' first game after La Russa's arrest, he received a standing ovation from the crowd. So it appears that engaging in a reckless and stupid activity that kills thousands of people every year is not only acceptable but also makes you some sort of folk hero” – Keith Law

If there’s one thing the sports media does well, it’s take a situation and strip it of any and all common sense in order to better serve their point (we’re guilty of it at times too). Is it more reasonable to view the “standing ovation” as a show of support to a well-respected guy that the crowd felt made a personal mistake?  Or is it more reasonable to assume that fans were supporting the act of drunk driving and making him out to be a “folk hero” because he passed out at a stop light? It isn’t like they were shooting off fireworks and holding up signs that read “drunk driving rulz”.

“I can think of a couple of things (LaRussa) could have said. He could have made a point of addressing impressionable young baseball fans across the country who one day will turn 16, get their licenses and think they can drive drunk because La Russa did.” – Carol Slezak

If you’ll allow us to borrow from the FireJoeMorgan.com arsenal for a moment: if a 16 year old baseball fan gets a DUI, the list of people to blame should look something like this:

1.) the kid
2.) the person who sold the kid beer
909,414.) Tony LaRussa

“The only difference between a fortunate La Russa and a vilified Leonard Little was the firmness of La Russa's right foot on the brake pedal of his Ford SUV.” – Bryan Burwell

Actually that wasn’t the only difference.  There was one other difference – Leonard Little killed someone.  Tony LaRussa did not.  Worth mentioning.

No one here downplays what LaRussa did.  It was stupid and dangerous and these writers were presumably trying to say as much.  We just wish we didn’t have to rummage through so much grandstanding and preaching to get to it.