Stool Samples

CBS has never been one to shy away from promoting network programming during their televised sporting events.  The NCAA Tournament is no exception.  Not only are we subjected to a surplus of television spots in which each commercial makes up a category so that said show can rank #1 (seriously guys; the “#1” label loses its luster when a show is referred to as the “#1 new crime show on Friday”), the CBS broadcasters aren’t afraid to do a little cross-promoting for the good of the ‘company’, either. 

Two years ago, Jim Nantz managed to pimp Ray Romano as the second half was coming to a close and UNC’s Raymond Felton stepped to the free throw line, “It’s getting late, and everybody loves Raymond.”  Nantz’s partner, the ever popular Billy Packer, did his colleague one better last year while describing Villanova guard Allen Ray, “That’s how Ray has been playing… Without a Trace.”

We’re guessing this explains why Nantz and Packer remain atop the CBS college basketball broadcast pecking order.  This week, the CBS cross promotion juggernaut rolled on to sportsline.com and gave us access to the tournament brackets filled out by the stars of CBS programming! (!!!) 

The list includes Frank from CSI Miami, 5 members of How I Met Your Mother, the Early Show crew, and some reality show hosts (names not worthy of printing).  As of Tuesday morning, Bob Barker was also on the list, but as of press time, he is no longer.  (Someone on sportsline.com’s staff or one of the celebrity bracketeers has not done their part to control the pet population, or so we haven’t been told.)

For what it’s worth, Doogie Howser and Alyson Hannigan (How I Met Your Mother) have the exact same teams in the Elite 8 (Kansas, UCLA, Oregon, Florida, North Carolina, Georgetown, Ohio State and Texas A&M).  An outsider might think Doogie and his female cohort were sleeping together on-set, but that’s highly unlikely.  Frank from CSI Miami, notable only because he works alongside the single worst actor in Hollywood not named Nic Cage (David Caruso aka Horatio Cane), went a little bit of a different route for the Elite 8, but did have Kansas, Florida, Georgetown, Ohio State, and Texas A&M in common with the previously mentioned actors. 

So for those of you who were waiting to fill out your brackets until you got to see what teams CBS’ all star casts were going with, you’re good to go. 

And don’t be surprised if during the course of an Elite 8 contest, Billy Packer musters something along the lines of, “Doogie Howser from How I Met Your Mother accurately predicted Kansas and UCLA for this round.  It’s been quite an Amazing Race for all the celebrities, with Frank from CSI Miami’s chances disappearing Without a Trace.  And boy, this Kansas team is some Unit, which can be seen Tuesday at 9 on CBS, America’s most watched network.”

Totally unscripted of course.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"When you can play defense in the NCAA Tournament, you give yourself a shot." - Stacey King, ESPNU

There’s a reason these men are paid top dollar for their insight. 
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“How can ESPN not find an ex-player or current NFL beat writer / national writer to make commentary on this?” – Steve Czaban ripping ESPN’s Michael Smith being positioned as an NFL expert.

We’d like to think that, via these pages, we’ve done a solid job of disproving the theory that ex-players and national writers make the best “experts”. 
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“You talk about (Vanderbilt’s) Derrick Byars, he had to be in the running for Big 12 player of the year.” – Hubert Davis, ESPN

Don’t sweat it Hubert.  You’re on TV, lights are flashing, information is flying around everywhere, no one can blame you for one slip on what conference someone plays in…

“I’m really surprised that Illinois is in the tournament.  They were 9-7 in the Big East.” – Hubert Davis on Big Ten at-large team, Illinois

Okay, someone get Hubert lists of what teams play in what conferences.  He’s clearly having problems.
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“I’ve been giving you Kansas for a month now.” – Bill Plaschke, Around the Horn

You mean, a team that has been in the top 5 for the majority of the year could make the Final Four?  Thanks for the tip, Bill.
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“For those who take their brackets seriously, at least you can be assured one of these teams advancing to Round 2, but which one?” –Clark Kellogg on the Butler – Old Dominion game

If you don’t take your bracket seriously, neither of them are advancing. 

Crap that actually came from Jay Bilas’ mouth
“Half the teams lose in the first round.” – Jay Bilas

Bilas laughed at this statement a few seconds later, but only after he was mocked by his colleague Digger Phelps.  That’s the equivalent of being mocked by Paul McGuire.
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”(Georgetown is) good enough to be a number one seed, but there are other teams in front of them – Ohio State, Florida, North Carolina, and UCLA” – Jay Bilas (before the seeds were announced)

See there?  Georgetown is good enough to be a number one seed, even though there are only four number one seeds and Bilas believes four teams are better or more deserving (never mind that Kansas ended up replacing UCLA).  Makes perfect sense.
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”I’m telling you one thing, Brook Lopez from Stanford, a freshman, we’re going to be talking in five years that he’s going to be creeping up to Greg Oden.  That’s how good this kid’s going to be.” – Jay Bilas

Let’s see; Lopez is a freshman and in 5 years (1…2…3…4…5…6), his sixth year in college basketball, the world will be placing him in the same conversation as fellow 6th year senior Greg Oden. 
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”In order to beat Boston College, you've got to have mental and physical toughness.  This is going to have to be the toughest mentally that Texas Tech perhaps has been all season long because they're playing away from home where they've struggled a little bit.” - Jay Bilas

Forget scoring points, it will be the team that out-toughs their opponent that will win this one.

Media Rant of the Week – The Real Sleepers
When it comes to an event like the NCAA Tournament, the nature of today’s sports media is to produce as much information and opinion as quickly as possible.  Writers and talking heads are laying out their picks and discussing teams and matchups minutes after the brackets are revealed and continue to do so throughout the week. 

That demand for instant analysis and the need to shoehorn that analysis into pre-packaged formats, inevitably results in some annual Stool Samples fun (truth is, we don’t even blame the analysts so much as the format in which they’re forced to present their opinions) – this year, the concept of picking the “sleeper” or the “Cinderella” took center stage.  

As far as we know, there’s no real stated criteria for what makes a “sleeper”, but one would think you probably want to focus on those teams seeded #6 and lower.  It shouldn’t be a shock for any team seeded higher than #6 to make some noise (and by “higher” we mean 1-5 just to clarify).  That goes without saying, right?   Not according to many media members.  It looks like just about anyone can qualify for the role.

Perhaps out of sheer habit, the Southern Illinois Salukis were selected by several as a Cinderella despite being a #4 seed, theoretically placing them amongst the top 16 teams in the nation.  Jeff Goodman of Foxsports.com acknowledged that they’re too high to be a sleeper…and picked them anyway,  “I know the Salukis are a No. 4 seed, but they will still be a Cinderella story if they make it to Atlanta because they hail from a mid-major conference.”

ESPNU’s Stacey King agreed with Goodman - "Southern Illinois (is the West Cinderella) ... when you look at their team, they are a defensive oriented team, which their defense creates offense."

Sportsline.com’s lightning rod Gregg Doyel pegged #4 Texas, featuring likely player of the year Kevin Durant, as his “Dark Horse Pick” in the East.   Not much of a dark horse if you ask us, but some pundits even felt that #4 seeds were too risky.

One of our favorite college basketball scribes, SI.com’s Grant Wahl went with #3 seed Oregon as his choice for the most “underrated” team in the Midwest Region. A #3 seed underrated?  ESPN’s Jay Bilas thinks that’s totally reasonable,  “watch out for Oregon, the number 3 seed.  Oregon could wind up in the Final Four…  That's a really good basketball team.”

So for those looking for that extra edge in their office pool, the experts have laid it out for you – Oregon, Texas and Southern Illinois may win a few games.  But before you fill out those brackets, Digger Phelps has one more tip, “Georgetown is the one team that can sneak up to a lot of teams and end up in the Final Four.”

We didn’t think a #2 seed could “sneak up” on anyone, but then again, we’re not the experts.  

Linda Cohn – Successor to Peter King
In the event you missed it two weeks ago (and you’re REALLY missing out if you did), Cohn has her own hockey column on espn.com.  In addition to writing with snappy lines galore and occasional namedropping, she has a fascination with music references.

This go around, the column theme included the notion that it would be so freaking cool if hockey players had an E-Harmony type site that would match them up with the perfect soul and skate mate (we don’t know, don’t look at us that way, we’re just the messenger) to build up the relationship between Vincent LeCavalier and Brad St. Louis.

Even more notable is that Cohn references Journey! 

"Sounds like words straight from a Journey ballad. It would be fitting, because the '80s group is Vinny and Marty's favorite band. Their favorite song: "Don't Stop Believin'." Lecavalier and St. Louis won't be going their "Separate Ways" any time soon. Good friends, great teammates and, perhaps, future Hall of Famers.

Dr. Phil, you're not needed here."

Oh boy… and her tagline promises a “gluttony of glove saves in her weekly column”. 

Christ.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com