Stool Samples
Actual Crap That Came from People's Mouths
Alright gentlemen, as you know, we have 4 fantastic nights of college basketball each and every week. We are the WorldWide Leader in Sports and that means we need to show first class creativity. Now, I need names. Something that says each night’s college basketball broadcasts is a cut above any other NCAA men’s broadcasts on our competitor’s networks.
What do you all suggest for the Monday doubleheader? We’re the only sports station in the country to have back-to-back marquee matchups in college basketball on Monday. That’s a pretty big deal, no? So, we need a catchy name.
”How about Big Monday?”
Yes; that sounds good. “ESPN Big Monday presented by Bud Light.” That is ingenious. Good work, Johnson. Now, Tuesday night is just as big as Monday. The scheduling of multiple Tuesday games should not be overlooked. Tuesday is just as vital to our networks long-term success as Big Monday. So, the floor is now open for suggestions.
”What about Bigger Tuesday.”
Bigger Tuesday? Hmmm…I like it. I like it a lot. It’s got some pizzazz. But that might depreciate the value of Big Monday. We don’t want our viewers to think Bigger Tuesday is a “bigger deal” than "Big Monday".
”What about Super-Fantastic Tuesday?”
Love it! But um, we’re taking Fantastic out of the name. It’s such a good superlative that we may want to save it for Thursday. It’s settled: “ESPN Super Tuesday presented by Lexus”. Wow; just wow - a brilliant idea all across the board.
”What about for Wednesday?”
I was just getting to that. You see, Wednesday is the night when we celebrate our obsession with Duke and the teams that play Duke in the Atlantic Coastal Conference. We need a name that really promotes Wednesday night basketball - something that screams “Must-See-TV”. It has to be something that DEMANDS the viewing audiences’ attention. And that’s why I’ve decided on the name already.
“What’s the name?”
Wait for it… … … “ACC Wednesday presented by Staples”
”… … … …”
I gather your silence is reflective of the total awesomeness of the name. Now then, Thursday night basketball needs a name, gentlemen. We could go with the previous suggestion of “Fantastic Thursday”. It’s got some originality to it; but I want a “T” word, something that will flow. Alliteration=Creativity.
”Why can’t we just call it ‘Thursday Night Basketball’?”
Excuse me?
Are you serious?
“Thursday Night Basketball?” Do you really think a name like that will draw viewers and increase ratings?
”No; I think the game itself will probably do the trick.”
Get the hell out of my office! Now, somebody get me a Thursday name.
”Throwdown Thursday Presented by IBM. “
Bingo. God, these names are brilliant.
Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
”Now you know why the Fritz Pollard Alliance and the Black Coaches Association often feel as if they're hitting their heads against non-padded goal posts. Here we are, only days removed from celebrating Tony Dungy's Super Bowl victory -- the first African-American coach to do so -- and then (Jerry) Jones hires (Wade) Phillips.” – Gene Wojciechowski
In Gene Wojciechowski’s mind, the Cowboys signing of a coach lacking “star power” who also happens to be white is a sure sign of racial problems in the NFL.
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”Westminster is like the playoffs in the NFL: As long as you win, you keep advancing.” – Watching Westminster Viewing Guide
In that regard, it’s a lot like the NHL, NBA, and MLB Playoffs, along with Jeopardy, the NCAA Tournament, and the Scripps Howard Spelling Bee. This is why the dog show is the hallmark each year in sports.
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“(Harry the Dandie Dinmont) loves to show. He walked in there, heard the crowd and it was like, ’Oh, I’m here,”’– Bill McFadden, Breeder
Really Bill? Harry was like “Oh I’m here”? That’s so not Harry. Normally Harry’s all “Let’s get this show on the road, I’m excited.” Maybe you should do a better job of connecting with your dog, Mr. McFadden.
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”If LeBron can somehow leap over Dwyane Wade to take that No. 2 spot among jersey sales, you can just imagine the fireworks that will ensue.” – Michael Ventre
Yes; just imagine the fire. We’re picturing the kind that resembles a flame on a citronella candle.
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“What he's doing is on par with what Tiger [Woods] has done in golf, what [Roger] Federer has done in tennis." – Missouri State coach Barry Hinson on Blake Ahearn possibly leading the nation in free throw percentage four straight years. (via Kieran Darcy, espn.com)
Hey, we’re big fans of free throws, but Barry may be taking things a bit far there in comparing a really good free throw shooter to Tiger Woods and Roger Federer, guys who have established a dominance over their entire sport that may never be matched.
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“If they don't sign me, sorry, but I must go. That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks." – Carlos Zambrano (who later called himself “Big Z”)
Sabermetricians recently created a statistic that proves that free agent pitchers who refer to themselves in the third person sign contracts that average 50% more than those who don’t.
Salisbury’s Monkey
In his moment of triumph knowing that Peyton Manning had just won the Super Bowl, Sean Salisbury alluded to the monkey finally leaving Peyton, albeit in a perverted tone…
“Well the monkey fell down to his waist after last (week)… still hanging on a little bit but now it’s completely gone.”
Along the lines of the Ray Lewis comment in the crap section, you’d think the angry benchwarmer who takes cell phone pics of Mr. Pickle wouldn’t revert to such questionable and sexual commentary. Henceforth, we declare that the monkey is still on Senor Angry’s phone.
Media Rant of the Week – Dr. Z and the Network # 1's
It’s probably safe to say that Sports Illustrated football writer Paul “Dr. Z” Zimmerman and the staff of Stool Samples don’t have a whole lot in common. While we’re laying on the couch watching Monday Night Raw (Imig) and Maui Fever (Bacott), Doc Z is probably ruffling through his charts, watching film to prepare for the 2008 season, drinking scotch and listening to old big band records (Disclaimer: we have no idea if he drinks scotch or listens to big band records, he may love Jager Bombs and techno for all we know).
As many are aware, last week marked the release of the ninth edition of Dr. Z’s TV Commentator rankings and with it came the realization that even despite our obvious differences in demographics, we can agree on one thing - most pro football TV analysts suck.
In his column, Z ranks the announcers from each network. His top team was the Monday Night Football back up, Brad Nessler, Dick Vermeil and Ron Jaworski, a trio that we praised on many occasions in public and private (mainly phone calls sparked by another Joe Theismann head scratcher).
The question as to why America gets subjected to the current MNF crew in place of the far superior Nessler/Vermeil/Jaws team is answered by one sentence – because ESPN is calling the shots.
A common theme through Dr. Z’s column was the universal distaste for network “#1” teams. The highest ranked of the lead network teams was Al Michaels and John Madden who saw five other less highly touted teams ranked higher. Towards the latter end of the rankings were Fox’s team (Buck/Aikman), CBS’s team (Nantz/Simms) and the trainwreck that was NFL Network’s use of Bryant Gumbel as the lead play-by-play man.
Coming in with an impressive zero stars was the current Monday Night Football group, Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Joe Theismann. Zimmerman saved the harshest criticism for Theismann and the “interminable guest-in-the-booth abominations.”
True, it’s only one man’s opinions, but the subsequent confirmation of the majority of those opinions across message boards and blogs around the web brings to light one simple question:
If crusty football vets who want only hardcore analysis don’t like these top announcers and the twenty and thirty-something casual fans who are probably watching the game because they bet on it or because it has some impact on their fantasy team also don’t like the top announcers, then who the hell does?
Is there anyone out there who enjoys constant fawning over the so-called “star” players that we see so often with these announcers? Are there still viewers who trust that just because an analyst played football, everything he says is to be considered accurate and insightful? Is there anyone – anyone at all – who thought that the in-game interviews with Christian Slater or the dude from Desperate Housewives on Monday nights brought anything to the table beyond loads of unintentional comedy?
It sure doesn’t seem like it, yet that’s all the networks keep giving us.
Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them at info@joesportsfan.com