Stool Samples
Actual Crap That Came From People's Mouths
At times we wonder what exactly the qualifications are for one to be labeled an “insider”. While we’ve never come across a doctrine explaining this inquisition, we can say that if rendering quotes that are absurdly stupid is a pre-requisite, ESPN’s John Clayton will forever hold his title of “NFL Insider”.
Prior to the divisional round bash between the Patriots and Chargers, Clayton flexed what has to be the early frontrunner for 2007 Bart Scott Quote of the Year. The award is named in honor of the Raven linebacker who, according to Tom Jackson, was the in line to win Rookie of the Year in 2006 – even though it was Bart’s 5th year in the league. Enough rambling, let’s get some brilliant insight from the professor.
John, how are the Patriots going to stop the Chargers’ rushing attack?
"I think what they're going to try to do is bring James Sanders up, or bring Eugene Wilson up try to keep 8 in the box and really try to force Phillip Rivers to win the game."
That’s right; the Patriots would use a guy who hadn’t played since October 22nd, and was put on injured reserve December 4th.
You folks in Boston have no idea how good you have it. Your football coach is such a brilliant genius that he’s able to confuse the media, as well as his team’s opponents.
Carry on…
Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"This is a guy (Chris Webber) who just knows how to play basketball." - Greg Anthony, ESPN
And that’s really a good thing because he plays professionally for the Detroit Pistons. The Pistons and their fans would be stunned if Webber grabbed the ball and ran without dribbling to throw down a thunderous dunk in his team’s own basket. Thankfully, that won’t happen because he knows how.
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"As far as (Kevin Garnett) takes (the Timberwolves) is as far as they're going to go." - Tom Tolbert, ESPN
Okay, so… let me process this real quick (*--brain is absorbing information--*): wherever they end up is where they’ll end up. Got it.
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“The big loss was steady starting pitcher Jeff Suppan, who was a mortal lock to win 14 to 16 games.” – Jeff Gordon, Foxsports.com
Suppan only won 12 games in 2006 and has only won more than 14 twice in his 12 year career. Not exactly a “mortal lock”.
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”Not often are you going to see a better catch that doesn’t count.” – Dan Dierdorf
Of course that means it’s not actually a catch, Dan.
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”That was some sensational piece of athleticism.” – Dan Dierdorf
The estranged cousin of “nice piece of hitting” everyone.
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”Let me speak for mainstream America…” – Jay Mariotti
If Mariotti actually spoke for mainstream America, then America would have blamed Ozzie Guillen for not starting Brian Griese this season.
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”For me it never has been about just being on TV. I'm about success." – Stephen A Smith
Success \sek-‘ses\ n 1: Extreme volume in the inflection of one’s brash voice 2: Use of multi-syllabic words 3: Combination of extreme volume, multi-syllabic words and redundant catchphrases
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”Way too much reverence (for athletes and coaches) on network TV." – Peter King
An interesting comment from a man yet to heed his own beliefs (see: Patriots, New England; Jeter, Derek and Favre, Brett).
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”(The Bears are) trying to get their swagger back on defense.” – Joe Buck
Reports suggest the Bears’ swagger is hiding out in the boiler room of Wrigley Field. Lovie Smith may want to scan the area.
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”(Rex Grossman’s) best game and his biggest moment.” – Joe Buck
Calling a 21/38, 1TD, 1INT performance his “best game” is a stretch even by Grossman’s standards.
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Media Rant of the Week – Blame Martyball
It really didn’t matter what happened in the Chargers – Patriots game this Sunday, the media had decided long before kickoff that if the Chargers lost, it would be Marty Schottenheimer’s fault. Forget the turnovers and stupid penalties the players committed, this one was going on Marty.
Schottenheimer certainly wasn’t without fault – he had a few mental slips during the course of the game that caused most of the football world to wonder what the hell he was doing - but pinning the loss squarely on his shoulders would seem to be a stretch. After all, if Marlon McCree doesn’t fumble back an interception at the six-minute mark, Marty’s team is probably waltzing into the conference championship game, right?
Well, unfortunately a story about how one or two bad breaks cost the Chargers a close game doesn’t fit into the neat little package that the media had already pieced together. What happened on the field was largely irrelevant – this game was being shoe-horned into the convenient “Martyball chokes to the genius Belichick” sublplot no matter what.
One of the first on the scene was ESPN.com’s reporter-turned analyst John Clayton. We shouldn’t have expected Clayton to follow up the game with any quality insight after listening to his pre-game analysis (more at the daily memo), where he claimed that the Patriots were going to bring safety Eugene Wilson into the box to take the run away from the Chargers (hat tip… Andy S.). Considering Eugene Wilson had been out with an injury since October 22nd and on IR since December 4, it was clear that Clayton had brought his A game to San Diego.
After the game he dropped knowledge…
“Sunday's AFC Divisional playoff game between the Patriots and Chargers was a clinic in why BelichickBradyball is a Super Bowl success and Martyball continues to fall flat in the playoffs.”
How so? Simple...
“The Chargers continued playing not to lose, while the Patriots just tried to make enough plays to be one play ahead of San Diego at the end of the game. That strategy is why the Patriots, who were outplayed and somewhat dominated by the Chargers early in the game, sneaked away with a three-point victory and a chance to go against their playoff rivals -- the Indianapolis Colts.”
See, that’s why Belichick is so successful and Marty is the coaching equivalent of a chimpanzee come playoff time – Belichick has mastered the strategy of trying to make more plays than the other team, or as he cryptically refers to it, “trying to beat them”. (On a different front, Clayton's argument suggests the Patriots abstained from handily outplaying San Diego, instead choosing to be "one play" ahead at the end.)
If one holds the opinion that Marty’s presence and game management was the definitive reason the Chargers lost the game, then so be it. All we ask is that you back it up with some concrete evidence instead of relying on lazy clichés that really have no meaning. Clayton never really expands on why he was so convinced that the Chargers “played not to lose” (whatever the hell that means) and at one point in the column actually says that they executed a “solid, conservative game plan”. The closest he came to actually citing an example to back his position is by criticizing San Diego’s decision to hand it to the league MVP 19 times on first down.
“Tomlinson was great on first downs, but the Patriots defense wasn't concerned as long as Tomlinson didn't bust long touchdown runs. Tomlinson wasn't going to beat them with 10-yard runs.”
Only Bill Belichick can be given credit for devising a game plan to allow an opposing running back to rack up 187 total yards and 2 touchdowns against his defense in a playoff game. And Marty Schottenheimer is one of the few who would take heat for continually feeding the ball to a guy who scored 31 touchdowns in the regular season.
“The Chargers played not to lose. The Patriots played to stay in the game and give themselves a chance to make winning plays.”
In case you didn’t catch that, the Chargers played not to lose while the Patriots played to win. Again we ask - how so?
We’re still not sure (and very confused, too).
Remembering Quite Frankly
In the event you hadn’t heard, ESPN has canned Stephen A Smith’s talk show Quite Frankly. At this time, we’d like to take a few moments to jot down and remember all the good things the program brought to the sports world during its 17-month existence….
Sean Salisbury is Limp for You
In response to the “allegations” by national columnist Mike Freeman/thebiglead.com/deadspin.com that Salisbury took a picture of his penis with his cell phone and showed it to some unassuming women, Senor Angry danced around the topic and talked from his ass…
"I work every day and do not pay attention or comment on on stuff like that. Deadspin is what it is and it does not concern me. Deadspin has been hurtful and wrong to many people. I have a father who is in Stage 3 cancer. You think that I really give that stuff any time?"
Our guess is yes, he does have the time, since, you know, he had the time to take a picture of his cha-cha.
This stuff is too easy.
Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig. They don’t ever want to look at Salisbury’s cell phone. Email them at info@joesportsfan.com