Stool Samples

It’s amazing what a few bad games can do to slam the brakes on the Media Express.   

Just a couple of weeks back, when the Chicago Bears were rolling through the league like Madden through a three foot sub sandwich, the media had found their new darling. He was young, he was winning and for some reason, he reminded them all of Brett Favre.  Rex Grossman was the golden boy.  

Witness the following comments fueled by an impressive start:

“I think, at some point right before training camp, Rex Grossman had an arm transplant from Dan Fouts.” – Peter King after Week 2 

“The Bears have a legitimate top-level quarterback in Rex Grossman” – Vic Carruci, 10/1

“Rex Grossman really impressed me.  Grossman played with confidence.” – Shannon Sharpe 9/24

Given that Grossman was only starting his 15th game in the NFL entering Sunday, it seemed logical to withhold the lavish praise and the crowning of him as a “top-level quarterback”.  But if the media had the ability to view things logically, you wouldn’t have Stool Samples to read on the crapper every two weeks.

Like most young QB’s tend to do from time to time, Grossman had a rough day a week ago Sunday, tossing 3 interceptions and fumbling once to the Dolphins in the Bears first loss.  Suddenly the tune from the same three analysts took a sharp turn.  
 
”Until Rex Grossman learns to take care of the ball, this is not a Super Bowl team.” - Peter King, 11/6

“Maybe Rex Grossman's Monday night nightmare against Arizona wasn't such an aberration after all.” – Vic Carucci, nfl.com, 11/6

“With all due respect to Grossman, he hasn't been in many situations where he had to right the ship mid-game.  He has not built up the mental toughness yet to overcome adversity.” – Shannon Sharpe, 11/5

And just like that, Grossman was knocked from his perch atop the league by the same people who placed him there.  Since there is no middle ground with most of our television and print media friends, one has to expect that, if he plays a few quality games on the Bears road trip (Jets, Patriots), he’ll be hailed once again – if he hasn’t been already.  Keep your eyes and ears peeled for another media flip-flop due to Sunday night’s win against the Giants.

The media giveth and the media taketh away.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“(The Dolphins) have played a real football game.” – Dan Dierdorf
 
It wasn’t one of those fake ones that sissies play.
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“T.O. doesn’t need to apologize.  It’s the rest of the Dallas Cowboys that need to apologize!” – Sterling Sharpe
 
Sharpe has proven to be the most over-the-top loudmouth Stephen A Smith wannabe for the 2006 season.  That’s saying quite a bit.
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”(a fumble) Is out when it’s on the way out or is it out when it’s out and when it’s on the way out, it’s out.” – John Madden
 
We don’t know about you, but our brain just made a sound like a balloon deflating.
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“I like what I saw out of David Carr at the Meadowlands, but I do NOT like young kids who haven't done anything in the game yet mocking the mannerisms of a much better team.” – Peter King on David Carr’s mocking of the NYG jump shot celebration
 
According to King, you can only celebrate doing what you are paid to do if you’ve played in the league for a really long time.  It makes us think King does CPR to his keyboard after typing a column.
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”This is a home game.  This is where you finally get to play at home.” – Joe Theismann on Seneca Wallace’s MNF debut
 
Every time Joe Theismann opens his mouth, we lose a little respect for the academic stature of Notre Dame.
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”When he comes, he really comes…  That is big!” – John Madden on Bob Sanders
 Leave it to Madden to utter the funniest quote of the 2006 NFL season.
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”Can we please STOP comparing them to the ’85 Bears?” – Chris Berman
 
Sure Chris, it can be stopped.  It’s just that we’ll have to tell you and all of your colleagues at ESPN and other sports outlets to do so.
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”Jim Haslett has done a great job over there.” – Joe Theismann

If you call fielding a defense that gets trampled by pretty much every running back from LaDanian Tomlinson to Noah Herron a “great job”, then yeah Haslett’s defense has looked really great. 
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”Peyton Manning looks like he's ready to win the big one to me. I'm not saying the Colts will necessarily.” – Peter King
 
Thanks for throwing yourself out there, Peter.
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”And it’s hard to entirely embrace a community that would even now embrace Mark McGwire.” – Ken Davidoff, Newsday on why the St. Louis Cardinals didn’t get much national support as an underdog.

Three reasons why this is stupid:

1.) Pretty much everyone supported Mark McGwire during his march to the homerun record, not just St. Louis.

2.) While St. Louis may be cordial when he appears at the stadium, it’s foolish assume that the community “supports” McGwire, because that’s not entirely true.

3.) Whether Ken Davidoff chooses to admit it or not, every single person who follows baseball at some point or another has supported a steroid abuser.  To believe anything else is naïve.

Don Banks Has Some Questions For Us
In a column where he is supposed to be giving opinion and insight on the previous week’s NFL games, SI.com NFL writer Don Banks decided the best way to break down the games would be through ample use of rhetorical questions. 

Tell me it's not true, and that we aren't all looking at the Chicago Bears a whole lot differently today than we were at this point 24 hours ago?

Reggie Bush, 11 carries for minus-5 yards rushing? 
 
Is it time to renew the debate about Bush being big enough to handle every-down back duty in the NFL?

Could someone please explain to me why the face-mask penalty called on Dallas guard Kyle Kosier on Sean Taylor's return of a blocked field goal was a 15-yarder rather than the less-flagrant five-yard variety?
 
Why does it always seem like when you go for the deuce too soon -- and fail -- it invariably comes back to bite you in the butt?
 
Tell me again how Charlie Frye plays with so much poise for a young quarterback? in D.C.?

On a similar topic, is that over-staffed, over-qualified collage of assistant coaches in Washington really working?

Is that too many rhetorical questions in one column?

Questions Joe Theismann Wanted to Ask Christian Slater One Week Ago in the MNF Booth
“When you signed on to star in “Kuffs” were you aware that it would be widely regarded as the best movie of the 90’s?”

“You starred in Young Guns 2.  Who do you think was a better gunslinger, Billy the Kid or Brett Favre?”

“When you were filming Hard Rain, did you find the excessive moisture made it hard to grip a football?”

“I had lunch with Kevin Costner at a celebrity golf tournament 17 months ago.  How awesome was he in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves?”

“Tom Brady is hot isn’t he?”
 
Sean Salisbury’s MVP Race
Following Week 9, Salisbury heightened the MVP suspense…

“Manning is the MVP.”  
 
”Best player on the best team.  Yeah you've got Steve Smith and Drew Brees out there... MVP Manning, no-brainer!
 
“(Drew) Brees is in the MVP talk.”
 
”Steve Smith can be in it and Larry Johnson and LaDainian Tomlinson (but Manning’s) the MVP no-brainer!”
 
So to recap, Peyton Manning is the no-brainer MVP, but Drew Brees, Steve Smith, Larry Johnson, and LaDainian Tomlinson are involved in the “MVP talk”, which is a convenient way for Salisbury to  say “I picked him earlier in the year” should any of the other 4 win the award.  Don’t forget Tom Brady, Donovan McNabb, Rex Grossman and Michael Vick as people lingering on the outside of “MVP Talk”, as predicted by Sean during the first 8 weeks of the season and during the summer months.   Oh, and Sean also dropped this comment about LaDainian Tomlinson,
 
”The best player we have in this league – but Peyton Manning may have something to say about that.”
 
Oh, man; he just opened up a whole new Salisbury race.  Heaven help us all.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them @ patrick@joesportsfan.com