Stool Samples

Jamal Mashburn, Allan Houston, and Kiki Vandeweghe are now a part of the ESPN/ABC family, as the three will be performing studio work for the networks’ NBA coverage beginning this week.  The move means the uncomfortable-to-watch B.J. Armstrong is without a job (tears well up, sniff, sniff).  While he was only around for a short period of time, B.J. made a profound impact on the Stool Samples family.  That said, it’s time to celebrate all the good times we shared with the 6th Man.

BJ, enlighten us.  How are the 76ers playing?
"The Sixers playing basketball the way you’re supposed to play it.”

Ooohhh, Allen Iverson just had a wicked cross-over.  What of it?
”There’s A.I. making an A.I. play.”

Hey, the Lakers just lost Game 1 of the playoffs against the Suns.  They’re probably doomed, right?
”This is not a missed opportunity.  This is a confidence booster.”

Finally, B.J., what do you think of LeBron James?
“Maybe he’s just a second tier player who will be a star, and not a superstar.  

Christ.  How can anyone say that above quote with a straight face?  And, oh, before we go, Armstrong’s former colleague Paul Silas is also done with ESPN, which means no more insight from the coach.  How in God’s name are we going to know who’s going to make the playoffs without insight like this…

”(The Wizards) understand how to get there (the playoffs).  They understand how to win”

Thanks for the memories, fellas -- and the fantastic insight.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“If this was the almighty NFL, and the St. Louis Rams were playing the Detroit Lions in the Super Bowl, no one would say a word.” – Ken Rosenthal

Actually, everyone would be talking about it because 2 NFC teams would advance to the Super Bowl. This is why Rosenthal covers baseball and not football.
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”The National League's best team was toppled by its sixth- or seventh-best team, giving us Fox's worst nightmare of a World Series -- and a pretty sizable mismatch to boot.” – Keith Law, ESPN.com

The obsession over “big name” matchups to appease TV networks is starting to get to the point where the idea of refs and/or the league influencing the games isn’t that far fetched.
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“By the way, why aren't the media calling Pujols a non-clutch choker after his one-RBI performance in the NLCS? Why aren't people arguing that the Cardinals would be better off if they had traded him?” – Keith Law

We’ve got a few theories on that. Maybe it’s because throughout the series Pujols had two at bats with runners in scoring position or because, despite his perceived poor series, he still maintains a .302 average and a .992 OPS in the postseason. Perhaps it’s that Pujols batted .318 and left only five men on base in the NLCS, while Law’s obvious comparison (A-Rod) managed to go 1-14 with zero RBI and 10 men left on base in his four game series. Not exactly comparing apples to apples here, Keith.
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“The Detroit Tigers are going to be the world champions. That should be obvious to anyone who has been paying even cursory attention to the baseball postseason. They are, for lack of a less fatigued sports cliche, the team of destiny” – Peter Schmuck, Baltimore Sun

It’s one thing to come out and say you think the Tigers are going to win, even sweep maybe. But when the basis of your prediction is because they are “a team of destiny”, then you’ve just flushed your credibility down the toilet.
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“Athletes think they’re invincible.”
“Hopefully there’s a lesson to be learned here.” – Tom Friend, ESPN, on the Cory Lidle tragedy
 
According to Tom, athletes shouldn’t fly planes – even if they have a license to do so.  He also thinks this should teach a lesson to everyone out there who has a license: don’t fly an airplane.  Thanks, Tom.
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“I try to challenge both myself and the reader. To get them to do their research by purposefully leaving something out." – Scoop Jackson, ESPN.com
 
Um, Scoop: it’s your job as a “journalist” (loose use of the term) to do the research so we as readers can get the answers.  This isn’t a game of Matlock.
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”I don’t consider him a rookie.” – Joe Theismann on Matt Leinart
 
And why should you, Joe?  After all, he has played 2 entire games as an NFL starter.  Plenty of experience.
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“A simple delay really doesn't matter because this NLCS, when you get right down to it, is a sideshow anyway. Everyone knows that these two teams are playing for second place in this postseason.” – John Donovan, SI.com

If we were John Donovan’s editors and had previously printed stories where he predicted the Yankees to sweep Detroit, San Diego over STL in four, the Twins over Oakland in five… then predicted the A’s in six over the Tigers in the ALCS and the Mets to take the NLCS in five games, we’d probably ask him to hold off of the boastful prediction columns for the rest of the postseason. But hey, he did nail that Mets - Dodgers series.

Media Rant – Kenny Rogers’ Poop Hand
One week ago Sunday night, Major League Baseball, the sporting equivalent to a crooked Fortune 500 company, once again followed its “Guide to Dealing with Controversy” step by step after Kenny Rogers’ pitching hand turned up loaded in the first inning of Game 2 of the World Series.

Step 1: Ignore.
Step 2: If it won’t go away, try to confuse everyone by denying and offering up nonsensical responses to inquiries.
Step 3: Hope like hell it goes away.

Bud Selig’s bunch worked it to perfection on Sunday, sending umpire supervisor Steve Palermo to the postgame podium to diffuse the incident. His formal response had more spin than Rogers’ juiced up curveball claiming that the substance was dirt and therefore the umpire did what he could in asking Rogers to remove it. That was their stance – it was dirt. Really shiny dirt.

"The umpires were very proactive,” Palermo said, “and they asked that Kenny just clean that dirt off so that there wouldn't be any question as to him with any foreign substance or dirt or whatever it may have been on the ball."

Proactive? Asking someone to wash his hands before he gets caught cheating isn’t proactive.

The interesting subplot in this matter has continued to be the role of the media. The Stool Samples is first in line to rip the national press for blowing things out of proportion to create a story, such as the Albert Pujols comments on Tom Glavine in the NLCS, but its been proven time and time again that, when it comes to the integrity of Major League Baseball, the only way Bud Selig will take initiative is if his hand is forced. In baseball, there is a direct correlation between the amount of media attention to the issue and what type of action is ultimately taken by the league.

Fox deserves credit for bringing the suspicious discoloration to national attention during the game. ESPN took the lead role in pressing the league after the game by presenting pictures of Kenny Rogers’ hand during his starts in the ALDS and ALCS, which clearly show the same substance, in the exact same spot on his palm. There’s photographic evidence to show that this wasn’t some random mixture of dirt and rosin as Rogers claimed it was. Other media outlets across the country have jumped on the story and their coverage to this point, while tiresome at times, has been warranted.

Meanwhile, on any MLB sponsored website or publication, there is complete silence. Like nothing ever happened.

If the League is to take any kind of action on a clear cut case of cheating in the World Series (and the playoffs in general), it will not be because they do so of their own accord – their track record has demonstrated that they have no interest in that.

Game 2 is long gone and the season is over. Not much can be done about that now.

But it still doesn’t change the fact that Kenny Rogers repeatedly cheated on the largest stage in the game and there should be consequences. And the only way this issue gets investigated further by the league, is if the media does it for them.

For once, we didn’t mind.

Sean Salisbury is Angry at You
All you people out there (and you know who you are), stop unfairly using Brett Favre…

”People, STOP with the Favre comparisons!  Let (Tony Romo) play!!!”

And if you don’t stop, Sean will tie you to a tree and bloody you with a tennis racket.

Stool Samples is written by Pat Imig and Josh Bacott.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them @ info@joesportsfan.com.