Stool Samples

A little over a year ago, Stool Samples discussed a growing trend in playoff baseball broadcasts – the third wheel.  In a few short years, it has become an October tradition on par with Halloween and Yankee playoff meltdowns, and quite frankly, for sheer entertainment purposes, we don’t want it to stop. 

Flush with a new crop of potential analysts thanks to the 22 teams who’s 2006 seasons came to a premature end, networks such as ESPN and Fox turn to active players for some additional playoff insight.  Though sometimes, we don’t get insight so much as well… comments such as this one documented by Fox third wheel Kenny Lofton last season about Reggie Sanders:

“The biggest thing with Reggie, he’s a gamer.  In the postseason, he plays.  He plays the game the way it’s supposed to be played and he does well.”  

We certainly don’t mean to pick on Kenny, who recently became a broadcasting free agent due to his Dodger team getting swept in the NLDS, but his analysis is common to the third wheel – instead of worthwhile insight we typically get clichés and meaningless mumbo jumbo.  

This year, Fox has brought in Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins to assist Kevin Kennedy and Jeannie Zelasko while ESPN acquired the services of Vernon Wells, Eric Byrnes and Eduardo Perez to help with their studio coverage of the LDS series.   One week later, FOX broadcasting scouts were obviously impressed with Byrnes and decided to give him an LCS start, along with the services of the likeable, fuzzy AJ Pierzynski.  The fine folks in Bristol did them one better offering the sports world Dusty Baker, who dropped this insightful nugget explaining why Kenny Rogers has been so effective this postseason, “My thoughts are, this guy knows how to pitch.”

***We interrupt this column to present the following breaking news: Steinbrenner to fire Torre

In the play-by-play booth, Luis Gonzalez has joined Joe Buck and Tim McCarver while Lou Piniella partnered with Thom Brennaman and Steve Lyons.  Fox wisely decided against sitting Piniella next to McCarver realizing that, had they done so, millions of people would have become noticeably less intelligent due to their collective inane ramblings -- and the future of our nation may have been in jeopardy.  

For that we thank them.

***Report: Lou Piniella to replace Joe Torre

The verdict is still out on this year’s crop of third wheel analysts, but rest assured, the idea of supplementing national baseball coverage with a player who has no experience on television is alive and well.  

Hey, they can’t be any worse than McCarver, right?

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“It’s sort of like Shaq going back to play the Lakers and Kobe for the first time.” – Brian Baldinger on the Eagles/Cowboys ‘game of the year’
 
An apt comparison Brian, considering most sports fans were sick to death the overkill hype before the games even started.
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 “It’s proper in postseason play to take a step back instead of a step forward.”– Tim McCarver
Oh sweet Jesus.  McCarver quotes are becoming synonymous with postseason in Major League Baseball.
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“It’s easier to throw when the ball is up because that’s where your arm is.” – Tim McCarver on throwing out baserunners
 
You can certainly tell McCarver was a catcher with brilliant anatomical analysis like that.
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“If I had a vote, I’d split.” – Joe Morgan on the NL MVP race

And this is why we’re thankful Joe, you don’t have a vote.
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”That’s not an efficient use of your home runs.” – Joe Morgan on Chris Duncan’s HR to RBI total
 
Duncan should know better.  How dare he hit home runs when he has no control who gets on base ahead of him.
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”(Albert Pujols) will get you the big stolen base.”– Thom Brennemann
 
An interesting take on a player who averages six stolen bases per season.
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”This kid is some kind of pitcher.” – Thom Brennemann on Chris Carpenter
 
That 31 year old kid is indeed dominant.
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“One good thing: St. Louis starters are stingy in allowing home runs, no doubt a product of their environment, namely a spacious new ballpark.”– msnbc.com, Padres – Cardinals Series preview

FYI, the Cardinals gave up 193 HR’s this season, good for 8th in the Majors and worst amongst all playoff teams.  Those fact-checkers are doing a bang up job.
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“The absence of Shaun Alexander, who apparently has a broken foot, will hurt for Seattle if he’s out.” – Jay Novacek

Let’s review - last year’s leading rusher, MVP and all time record holder for TD’s in a season is out and that will hurt his team.  You know how Novacek can predict that?  He used to play professional football, that’s how. 
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“(Craig Biggio) belongs in the conversation with Bonds and Griffey as among the best non-pitchers of the 1990s” – Eric Neel, ESPN Page 2

We don’t even have the energy to get into why this comment is so ridiculous. 

The Favre Apologists in Action
Hey Brian Baldinger, what did you think of that incomplete deep ball Favre just threw in to triple coverage (against the Rams)? 

Well, it’s a good shot!”
 
Most quarterbacks are reamed for such stupid decisions.  Favre is lauded.
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Hey, Joe Theismann, what do you think led to Favre throwing his first interception (against the Eagles)?

”Donald Driver dropping that ball had a domino effect.”

Theismann also believes Driver telekinetically forced the ball out of Favre’s hand into and into the hands of LaJuan Ramsey.
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Hey, Quarterback Groper Theismann, defend Favre’s second pick that was horribly inaccurate…
“He’s been very patient.  It was just a bad throw.”

To be fair to Favre, Eagles DB Michael Lewis was wide open and Favre threw an accurate strike to him.

How to Beat the Yankees According to Filip Bondy
“This is how you beat the New York Yankees, that famous lineup of murderers’ row, and Robinson Cano…You lurk in the bushes for your chances, load up the bottom of your lineup, take advantage of almost every scoring opportunity.  You get the big outs, control the damage, eliminate their big innings. You throw strikes…get clutch work from the bullpen.” – Filip Bondy, msnbc.com

Are you taking notes, Major League managers?  The way to beat the Yankees according to Mr. Bondy is simple – score every time you get the chance, get big outs, don’t let the opposition score lots of runs, throw strikes and have a good bullpen.  Frankly it’s ridiculous that no one else thought of this before Filip.  

***This Just In: Torre not in New York today, still the manager

You Are Invited to a Party!
Host: Josh Bacott and Pat Imig
 
Location: The World Wide Web
 
***It’s all but done.  It’s been published in newspapers and online so it must be true.  Piniella will take over - at least, we’re pulling for it at this point.

When: Friday, October 20, 2006
 
Who: Anyone with an Internet connection
 
What: The Stool Samples Coming Out Party.  
The Jaguars had their coming out party on MNF three weeks ago, and Philip Rivers had his during Week 5 in San Diego so we figured now was our time.  After a year of fiddling with mediocrity, Stool Samples is ready to make a statement.  Sure we’ve been here all along but we need that one defining moment that gives the media clearance to proclaim our official arrival – because we won’t be held down any longer! 
 
RSVP: info@joesportsfan.com, No phone calls, please.

***In Column Update: Jeter wants Torre to stay.  We will probably kill Jeter.

Sean Salisbury is Angry at You
If you’re one of the people who think the Jaguars are getting enough respect across the board, Sean strongly disagrees:

"How about some respect folks! And even though Jack (Del Rio) won't ask for it, we need to give it to him."

And as far as respect goes, Sean has no problem with yelling at you

"I don't have a problem with getting in someone's face - as long as it's respectful!"

No kidding.

***False Alarm: Steinbrenner is going to keep Torre.  DRATS!

Stool Samples is written by Pat Imig and Josh Bacott.
They swear this stuff is real.
Email them @ info@joesportsfan.com