Stool Samples

Sports networks have historically tried many a thing to be “innovative” and bring the fans “closer to the game.” We’ve had epileptic seizures as FOX debuted the ‘critically acclaimed’ glowing hockey puck, which turned red when a slapshot exceeded 90MPH. We were frightened and confused when the same network introduced hockey-playing robots on the TV scoreboard.

After exhaustive research, it was discovered both those ideas were stupid. Since the networks still believed talking about sports wasn’t enough, it was time for analyst demonstrations on the mock playing field. Football was the first casualty, with baseball and following soon after, hockey (yes, we actually saw Bill Clement glide towards the camera at Rockefeller Center’s ice rink).

Nowadays, if Jeff Brantley wasn’t ridiculous enough sitting behind a desk, he’s on a plastic mound with glove in hand. For the record, we won’t be satisfied until Brantley is wearing acrylic uniform pants and the NFL crew wears shoulder pads and helmets for these demonstrations.

That leads to one of the newer and more subtle trends one can find on the TV highlight show: the anchorperson standing while holding a ball. Stuart Scott seems to be the biggest perpetrator, as you’re normally hard-pressed to see him introduce a football story without “toting the rock” (ha, that’s Stu slang). It’s certainly not a serious issue, but it’s one that makes us ponder a few questions.

Why is he holding that ball?

Okay, so it was only one question – and your guess is as good as ours. But if sports fans are to be subjected to a stand-up performed with ball-in-hand, there needs to be consistency across the board. For hockey highlights, hold a stick and likewise, a bat for baseball. And for the off the field issues the networks love to pump, how about holding an item that corresponds to an athlete’s crime? If the past is any indication, any of these suggestions may come true in due time.

Just know that if you see Stuart Scott pointing a gun at you through the camera, you shouldn’t be alarmed – it’s probably a story on Maurice Clarett.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
”When they try to finesse you, they allow penetration.” – John Madden on the Patriots

Get your mind out of the gutter, Madden.
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“Chris Simms is polite, accommodating, works hard and plays hard. He puts in the work. So when he got off to a slow start this year, it was a bit of a shock.” – Pete Prisco, sportsline.com

It was a shock…to Prisco. The only shock was how head over heels the national pundits were about a quarterback who, going into this year, had 12 career interceptions to 11 touchdowns.  But hey, he sure is polite. 
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“When you look at evil, it’s the (Bears’) defense” – Sterling Sharpe
 
You think it was a coincidence Dr. Loomis hunted down evil in Haddonfield, Illinois?  Not too far from old Soldier Field. 
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“That doesn’t do much, but Michael Vick shows you he has touch.” – Joe Theismann, on an incompletion to Alge Crumpler
 
Vick’s newfound “touch” must have averted him on the other 19 incompletions on the day. 
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“The field has taken away the speed of the Atlanta Falcons.” – Joe Theismann
 
Yet somehow, the Saints had no problems adjusting in their first game on the field rushing for a combined 146 yards.  For the record, Theismann talked up the “field problems” 7 times (that we documented).
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"If you're traded, and you're a quarterback who's had success, people would expect you to make a difference right away. Anything short of a Super Bowl would be a disappointment.'' – Brett Favre via Peter King, SI.com

Trust us Brett, no one expects you to win the Super Bowl regardless of where you’re playing.
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“Best third-round pick in the league this year: Falcons running back Jerious Norwood.” – Peter King, SI.com

Some analysts say it takes up to three years to truly evaluate an NFL draft. Peter King thinks three weeks is plenty.
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”Tonight’s matchup between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Jacksonville Jaguars is truly a treat for a football fan. It’s a rock ‘em, sock ‘em, put the kids to bed early game. This is the type of game the kids don’t need to see.” – Chris Carter, Yahoo Sports

Rest assured that if any of you let your children watch Monday Night Football, you are a BAD parent.
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“You’ve gotta bloody somebody’s nose.” – Mark Schlereth on what it takes to be a successful playoff team in the “National Football League”

Bonus points if the act of bloodying your opponents’ nose is a result of said athlete playing punch-you-in-the-mouth football.
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"Do you still have a fever?” – Michelle Tafoya to Ben Roethlisberger

Michelle later administered a throat culture to Roethlisberger, and offered some grape flavored Dimetap to make him feel better.
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“Do not judge Michael Vick on his passing!” – Sterling Sharpe, NBC

Only those who truly don’t understand how football is played would dare judge a quarterback on his passing. You wouldn’t judge a pitcher in the Major Leagues by his throwing would you? Wait…never mind that…Vick rules!

Stool Samples Columnist Controversy
There is no controversy. Josh Bacott and Pat Imig are still the Stool’s starting columnists. Quit trying to create a controversy. NO, NO, NO, NO! Bacott and Imig are the undisputed starters and that’s final. So you can put that in your papers.

Anything else?

No?

We’re out of here.

Media Rant of the Week – The Legend of Bill Maas
The date was Sunday, September 25.  The place: Cardinals Stadium in Phoenix, Arizona.  The football world’s premiere mutant took center stage.  He’s been crafted by Stool Samples gods; he’s part Theismann, McGuire, Sharpe, Nantz, Ventre, and Bradshaw.  When he’s not talking, he’s thinking of his next comedic line - or deciding how to convey the simplest of thoughts to what he perceives as his mentally inferior viewing audience.  He’s Bill Maas.

Sixty minutes of football with Maas is the equivalent of a 15 page Mike Celizic column.  While it might be entertainingly awful for a while, by the end it’s shear torture.  

Now then, let’s revisit Bill Maas at his finest hour a week ago this past Sunday.

No shit comments
Hey Bill, what’s your take on this challenge by the Cardinals?
“It’s going to be the official’s call.”
 
How many men are in the box trying to stop Steven Jackson?
”You have six men in the box.  Here’s the box, with one, two, three, four, five, six.”

It’s 3rd and Goal for the Rams; what do you think they will do?
”Well, you’d like to see them punch it in.”

Snappy Lines Galore
William, I’m a complete moron incapable of understanding things.  Explain this “men in the box” scheme again.
”All this talk of men in the box is not about Hannibal Lector’s lunch pale.”

Tell us a funny joke…
”What’s on the Dockett?” 
What?
"Darnell!” 

Woe!  Did you just see that hit on Antrel Rolle?
”He got ‘Rolled’!” 

Gosh, Larry Fitzgerald is awesome.  He must have great hands.
“Fitz got mitts!

Blossoming Comedian
That FOX studio show sure is fun.  They love to talk, don’t they Bill?
“They’ve got more chatter than a dolphin by a fish bucket.”

Man, the emotions are high in this game.  Look at the Rams and Cards jawing at one another!
“I told ya, more chatter than a dolphin next to a fish bucket!”

How do they get the grass to look so good in this stadium?  It is Arizona, after all.
”The only grass that grows in the desert is called fairways!”

That in-game highlight of Mike Patterson running back that fumble for a 98 yard TD seemed like it took forever…
“What did they time that with a sun dial?”

Theismann and McGuire Style Commentary
“Watch (Bertrand Barry) on this play.  Watch this.  Watch him pursue.” 
Well there’s really no other alternative than to watch when you’re showing us a replay of Bertrand Berry.

“(Edgerrin James is) only at 16 carries for 87 yards.”
No William; that was the touchdown drive for the Cardinals at 16 plays for 87 yards.

“Look at him shoot the gap between the tackle Brown and (guard) Timmerman.”
The tackle is Barron, not “Brown”.  You’re starting to piss us off.

”You still have two timeouts!” 
No.  No.  No.  The Rams only have ONE timeout left.

”(Steven Jackson) will flat truck you like an 18 wheeler!  He can truck ya!”
Thanks for repeating yourself, bizarro Theismann.

No Freaking Idea
”That look right there (on Leonard Davis) will curl the spaghetti around a fork without a spoon!”
Ummm….

“Tony Fisher is everything you don’t want and everything the coaches want on gameday!”
Our heads are severely spinning right now.

“O.T.(FOX post-game show): is that ‘out of tuna’?”
That’s it, we’re mailing our Congressman.

You guys might want to keep an editor close by
This is a prime example of the pursuit of a snappy line gone wrong. Meet Yahoo Sports’ NFL columnist Christopher Harris. In his weekly “Damage Report” column, Harris tried to be a little too clever with the following Week 2 title:

”Damage Report: T.O. Fingered.”

To the credit of Yahoo Sports editors, the title was changed to “Damage Report: Banged-Up Bengal.” It should be noted, though, Harris’ Week 1 Damage Report was subtitled “Joe Blow”, so maybe he's the columnist version of Neil Everett – offering up subtleties and innuendos involving booze, drugs and perversion.

Stool Samples is written by Pat Imig and Josh Bacott.
They swear this stuff is real.
Email them @ info@joesportsfan.com