Stool Samples

It was a week ago Thursday night; millions of men and women all over the country were oozing testosterone (yeah women were oozing testosterone too) waiting for the official opening of the 2006 NFL season in Pittsburgh.  NBC was back in the spotlight for their first NFL broadcast after several years of being forced to show bullriding opposite the nation’s most powerful sport. 

After all the hype, all the pregame shows, it was finally time for some real football.  Cue up the NBC intro starring…Pink?

Yeah, Pink. 

A washed up, anti-establishment female “rocker” with pink hair was the best NBC could come up with for their opening montage for the NFL kickoff.  As out of place as Pink’s appearance seemed, it was merely an example of a more common issue – the spreading phenomenon that is the football opening montage. 

Somewhere along the line, it was mandated by the lords of football that all big games must be preceded by a music montage featuring intertwined cuts of highlights and a washed up musician jamming.  Thursday it was Pink.  Saturday on ESPN College Gameday it was Big and Rich blaring “We’re coming….to your city” for the 5,000 time.  For Monday Night Football it is staple Hank Williams Jr. and his new sidekicks Cheap Trick and Little Richard. 

Take a look at that lineup:

-Pink
-Big and Rich
-Little Richard
-Cheap Trick

Someone out there really has their finger on the pulse of football nation.  Frankly, we’re not going to be satisfied until Journey gets in on one of these. 

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
“They’re a little bit like the Dallas Cowboys were built in their heyday. I don’t want to make these guys into Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin – but they’re trying to be like that with the receiver, quarterback and tailback in place.” – Steve Mariucci, NFL Network on the Miami Dolphins

Those Cowboys of the 90’s really broke some ground when they employed that wildly creative strategy of having a good quarterback, receiver and tailback.   Kudos to Miami coach Nick Saban for identifying that and building his team the same way.
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“The Chargers have a difference maker at tight end and, no, I’m not talking about Antonio Gates.  I’m talking about Brandon Manumaleuna.  This guy is going to help them in the passing game.” – Michael Smith, NFL Live

Make no mistake, Manumaleuna is a force in the passing game.  Look at these numbers from last year – 66 receptions, 648 yards receiving, 6 TD’s…wait, those are his career numbers?  And he’s played since 2001?  News to Michael Smith – there’s a reason the Rams cut this bum loose and filled his spot with a combination of two rookies.  And that reason wasn’t that he was especially good in the passing game – blocking or receiving. 
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“If you watched this game and never looked at the scoreboard, you would say the Giants had won the game and that’s why the Giants came out of this better off than the Colts.” – Bob Ryan, Around the Horn

It’s perfectly within reason to say that a team outplayed its opponent in a loss; however reason gets tossed out the window and run over by a Mack truck when you say the team that is 0-1 is “better off” than the team that is 1-0 after the game. 
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“You don’t have to be a football analyst to understand this.” – Chris Collinsworth on the “Manning Bowl”

And you also don’t have to be a football analyst to understand football -- though most analysts would vehemently dispute that.
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”When you look at the Pittsburgh Steelers, this is a football team that knows what it wants to do.” – Mark Schlereth

Of all the “this-tells-us-nothing” analysis we’ve documented in our day, this may take the cake.
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”(Tony Stewart) knows how to do it.  He knows how to get it done.”  - Rusty Wallace, ESPN

Okay, maybe THAT comment takes the cake.
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”I think he’s (Tom Brady) going to be the MVP of the league this year.” – Sean Salisbury

In June 2006, Salisbury said this of Larry Johnson, “He is this year’s MVP.” 

Two down; 414 MVP candidates to go.
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“There’s no trickeration.”  - Tim Ryan, FOX, on the Bears offense

True, Tim.  Probably because “trickeration” is not a word in the English language.

Monday Morning Overreaction
One of the longstanding traditions from the first week of the NFL season is the wild overreactions of the sports media. Last year’s first week brought us snap reactions such as Around the Horn’s Bill Plaschke definitively telling the world that the Chiefs were a Super Bowl contender because of their defense and Ron Jaworski proclaiming that, even though he’d seen only one game, the Patriots would not miss Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis. 

This year is no different.  With the NFL and college football getting under way, it’s high time for a plate of overreaction with a heaping side of hyperbole. 

“With the Lions scoring six points and totaling just 251 yards of total offense, it's difficult to see how Detroit is so much more explosive with Mike Martz as offensive coordinator. That used to be a decent quarter for Martz in St. Louis.”– Don Banks, SI.com

It’s difficult to see because it was one game out of a 16 game season.  Now, Martz may turn out to be a huge non-factor in Detroit but judging him based on one game against Seattle is the equivalent of us concluding that Don Banks shouldn’t have his own column on SI.com after reading the first 4 lines of his article.  It takes at least a few paragraphs to come to that conclusion.
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"If the Seattle Seahawks make the playoffs, that could be the play of the year…This one maybe saved Seattle's season"– Sterling Sharpe, NBC on a fourth quarter reception by Darrell Jackson

Calling a first down reception in the first game of the year a play that “saved” the season is quite a stretch even for this bunch.
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"They have not proven since losing Edgerrin James that they can run the ball."– John Madden, NBC

Maybe a bit harsh from Madden considering he made the comment 2 1/2 minutes into the second quarter of the season opener.  That means Joseph Addai and Dominic Rhodes had approximately 15 minutes to establish the run in Madden’s eyes…and they failed. 
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“All those Chiefs fans who ripped me to shreds this spring when I wrote that Steven Jackson would lead the league in rushing, what do you think now? The Chiefs fans insisted Larry Johnson would be the rushing champ. Jackson ran for 121 yards against the Broncos, while Johnson had 68 against the Bengals.”  – Pete Prisco, sportsline.com

Allow me to speak for Chiefs fans and anyone else who might think it’s idiotic to start gloating about your preseason pick for the rushing title after week 1 – pipe down, Pete, we’ve got 15 games to go.

Manning Mania by the Numbers
Family Members – 5
Commercials – 5
Archie Manning Pre and Post-Game TV appearances– 6 (that we know of)
Shots of the Manning family during Manning Bowl – 876, 675
Ridiculous Comments (that we documented) - 3

“We’ve been waiting for this since April.”– John Madden

”It lived up to the quarterback hype!”– Sean Salisbury

”It was great for the nation to see.”–Tony Dungy

And that, my friends, is how you manufacture a seemingly normal game into extreme overkill rendering it annoying and unbearable to watch.  Kudos to all parties involved for making the Manning’s the most hated family on television.

Brought to you by Commercials
One thing has stood out to Stool Samples during the first two weeks of the NFL: commercials starring players and coaches – it seems more prevalent now than in the past.  That said, here are some fun facts the Samples crew dug up (read: information that is more than likely FALSE) on a few hand selected commercials you have likely seen through two weeks of viewing.

Nike Gridiron Team w/ Michael Vick and Matt Leinart (among others) – The starter/backup combination of Michael Vick/Matt Leinart in the Nike commercial leads all number one and two starters in combined venereal diseases.  Though it’s tough to find room for individual improvement, Leinart is being tutored by an All-Pro and has the tools at his disposal to supplant Vick as the undisputed VD starter.

Eli, Peyton, and Archie Manning on NFL Shop – During several outtakes for the commercial, Archie pummeled a cameraman after he confronted Archie with reality: he was a terrible professional quarterback.  Archie was informed that Aaron Brooks had a better career passer rating in Saints history.  Angered by that (which we promise, is true), Archie threw a punch at the cameraman, but it was intercepted by another crew member.  That would figure because Archie threw 48 more of those than touchdowns in his career. 

Gatorade Rain w/ Peyton Manning – Upon Peyton’s birth out of the magic amniotic football, the voice over guy says, “Introducing the rebirth of cool”. 

That would only be true if your definition of “cool” is “maddeningly nerdy and annoying”.

Coor’s Light w/ Dick Vermeil - Vermeil closes out his press conference in the commercial saying, “You have to learn how to handle it, okay.  You have to handle your intensity.”  That’s ironic in the sense that Vermeil could never handle his emotions at press conferences or in the locker room.

MasterCard w/ Peyton Manning– In the grocery store spot, Peyton asks a worker named Teddy if he’ll sign his melon.  Teddy acquiesces.  Not surprisingly, the signed melon is worth more than Manning’s game-worn Super Bowl helmet.

Stool Samples is written by Pat Imig and Josh Bacott.
They swear the media is this absurd.
Email them @ info@joesportsfan.com