Um, Still Not The Bellagio...

Some of you may remember last year I wrote an article called “Um, This Isn’t the Bellagio” where I broke down the pros and cons of a weekend stay at The Orleans - a sketchy, off the strip hotel where the rooms cost $42 and Air Supply was the featured band of the month.  Well last week I made my not-so-triumphant return to the Nevada desert, this time to the Hard Rock, also located off the strip.  And as you’ll see, despite the most ridiculous pool of all time, still not the Bellagio…

“The Casino”

Before we get to the good parts, let’s get the disaster part out of the way. 

First of all, its going to be hard for me rate any casino where I got absolutely slaughtered in a positive way. From a gambling standpoint, this trip was the worst I’ve had in 6 years.  To use a historic analogy, it was basically a neon version of Little Big Horn -- with me playing the part of Custer.  Worst of all, because I lost my money so quickly, I only earned a mere $30 in comps to go towards the $300/night rooms.  That said, with no poker room and a sportsbook the size of my kitchen, the Hard Rock casino was clearly NOT designed with your average degenerate in mind.  Slutty girls and meatheads – sure.  But not your average degenerate. 

In terms of square footage, the Hard Rock’s casino might be the smallest in Vegas.  Many of you may have wandered through the ring-shaped casino floor at some point and wondered, “Is this it?  Is this the whole thing?”  Yes.  That’s it.  They’ve got the bar in the middle, but that’s it.  I counted 4 craps tables, 4 roulette wheels, War, and a variety of blackjack games, including “Super Fun 21” where I saw 2 chicks making-out on a Sunday afternoon.  A first in casino history.   

Other soul-torturing games the Hard Rock offers include: Let-it-ride, Caribbean Stud, 3-Card Poker (a.k.a. “The Devil’s Game”) and the new Texas Hold Em’ game in which Ace-Jack off-suit pays a better bonus than pocket 9’s.  I didn’t understand it then and I still don’t now.  All I was able to determine was that even though you “just” have to beat the dealer in a battle of 2 blind hands; nobody did.  I can see this game as a good tool for people just learning Hold Em’, but other than that, it’s a total cash cow for the house. 

Anyway the officially rating I’m giving the actual Hard Rock casino is a 5.  Major negative points for the size and lack of poker; the girls making-out at the “Super Fun 21” table was the only thing that boosted it to a level of respectability. 

(As a side note, how they STILL don’t have poker there is beyond me, supposedly it’s “coming soon”.)

“Entertainment”

Well the Entertainment was certainly a step up from last year’s Air Supply concert.  This summer at the Hard Rock includes Bill Maher, The Killers, Steve Winwood and Lindsey Buckingham – the latter two sure to attract a big cougar contingent.  During our stay, Third Eye Blind was there, and as tempting as the live version of “Do-do-do, do-do-do-doooo” would have been, none of us were willing to shell out the cash. 

Other entertainment included the Hard Rock's signature night club “Body English” where Cameron Diaz and “Mindfreak” Chris Angel were spotted, and on Sunday nights they take a page out of the nudie bar and dress all the bartenders up in catholic school girl outfits.  And whether or not this counts as entertainment I’m not sure – but the bar in the middle of the casino is all hookers after 3 a.m.

“Food and Drinks”

As I mentioned earlier, the Hard Rock caters towards the younger, beer guzzling, spring break-type crowd.  So tip #1 of this article is DO NOT BRING YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN.  In one of the angriest rants I’ve ever witnessed personally, a father was screaming at a security guard because according to him, “Somebody pissed on my kid!!”  Yes, you heard him. 

Apparently some meathead was drunk off his ass in one of the elevators when nature obviously called.  But what he failed to realize was that unfortunately, he was urinating on a small child.  I’m still blaming 50% of this incident on the parent here because there’s no way a 2 year old should’ve even been allowed inside the Hard Rock.  That said, “The Pink Taco” restaurant/bar is always a good place to hangout, we went there before dinner one night and almost saw a fight breakout in the hallway. 

And yes, this would’ve been the second casino first in a matter of hours after the “Super Fun 21 incident”, as none of us had ever seen a non-gambling related brawl in a casino. 

Other eateries at the Hard Rock include AJ’s Steakhouse and the place where I ate 8 of my 9 meals in a 3 day span – “Mr. Lucky’s Diner” --  a 24 hour joint that serves breakfast all day, which is tremendous.  But also note: there's no buffet at the Hard Rock, which sucks. 

Okay, so we’ve gotten the downsides of the Hard Rock out of the way – no poker, too many meatheads, Third Eye Blind, no buffet.  Onto the good parts… per usual, we saved the best for last.

“The Pool”

Quite simply, this is the best pool scene in the history of Las Vegas.  It has to be. I’ve been to more than a few in the past 7-8 years and the Hard Rock BY FAR has the best collection of girls I've ever seen.  75% of them in thongs. 

Just to go from last year at The Orleans' pool when it was me, 3 old ladies (not in thongs) and the simulcast feed from Churchill Downs, to this, was amazing.   In fact, I challenge anyone who doesn’t believe in God to spend a day at the Hard Rock pool in Las Vegas, Nevada.  I go back and forth with the whole “God thing” now and then, and let me tell you, for the 3 days I was at the pool last week, I was a believer.  

Let’s start with the waitress who was serving me chicken finger order after chicken finger order – complete Hayden Panettiere look-a-like.  Just perfect.  If I had a camera phone I’m sure I would’ve broken it trying to figure out how to use it.   Drinks cost $16 but who cares – you just charge it to your room and let the chips fall where they may.   Again, not the most degenerate-friendly scene, but remember, they do have swim-up blackjack if you’re interested, but blackjack only pays 6-5 in the pool.

“Rehab”

Monday – Saturday is pretty ridiculous, true, but Sunday at the Hard Rock pool they have a thing called “Rehab” – which is an all day spring break-esque pool party that’s “THE” place to be on Sundays in Vegas.  

While a bunch of Boston area scrubs were lounging around, not knowing how they even let us in, the DJ announced to the drunken sea of debauchery that none other than Floyd Mayweather was in the house - who apparently wants to be called “Money” now instead of "Pretty Boy".  We know this because the DJ made it a point to continually introduce him as “Money” at least 20 times. 

Anyway, all the Vegas “industry people” go to this thing, including strippers, and as you can imagine, the thong rate goes up to about 90%.  And other than “you have to be hot to enter past this rope”, there’s no rules either; I’ll leave it at that.  Admittance was free if you’re a guest of the hotel; $30 if you’re not, and as you can tell, “Rehab” was clearly the highlight of my stay at the Hard Rock and definitely helped eased the pain after a 3 day slaughter-fest inside.

Well that pretty much describes this year's stay at the Hard Rock, as best I can recall.  Would I stay there again?  While most of my buddies probably would, unless they brought in poker, I probably would not.  The rooms are expensive, the meathead population is higher than most people might like – but what are you gonna do – the slutty girls in thongs certainly aren’t there to see you. I don't know, I guess I could be convinced... 

So if you do decide to stay there, say hi to the ATM machine for me, and make sure you don’t checkout until Monday.

www.hardrockhotel.com