Sports Movie Quotes For All Occassions

Last week, the American Film Institute released its list of the 100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All Time. The choices were predictable, with the usual drivel like “Love means never having to say you‘re sorry” and “Toto, I don’t think were in Kansas anymore” and ”Here’s looking at you, kid” that the movie industry loves to congratulate itself over.

From the time I first heard of this list, I knew what the top pick would be the dreadful “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” from Gone with the Wind. If you’ve never seen this movie, consider yourself blessed. I once had the misfortune of sitting through it with my mother. And while I cherish every moment I ever spent in the presence of this sainted woman, I never understood why she or anyone else held this piece of claptrap in such high esteem. If you haven’t seen it, let me save you four hours of your life. That quote is the highlight of the movie. No kidding. If you’re wife or girlfriend ever tries to get you to watch it, take my advice and fake your own death to get out of it. Then e-mail me with your thanks.

Of course the purpose of AFI’s list was to start arguments, and in that they’ve succeeded. At every water cooler, bar room and internet message board in America, people are picking apart AFI‘s choices, weighing in with their own, and basically butchering every worthwhile movie quote ever scripted. I of course, am no exception.

The problem with a list like this is inherent in the list itself. How can anyone say which movie quote is “best?” Who can say that the #2 quote on list, “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse” from the “The Godfather” objectively better than “Leave the gun…Take the cannolis” or “In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns” from the same movie?

The point is that what makes a great movie quote is the context in which its used. Not in the movie, but in the way the quoter uses it. Take “the Godfather.“ It’s unlikely you’ll ever have to choose between a handgun or a crème-filled Italian pastry. But someday you will be at a wedding talking to the bride's father, and it’s great to be able to have “I hope their first child be a masculine child. I pledge my ever-ending loyalty” ready when that moment comes.

I make it my life’s work to memorize quotes from sports movies for use in the right situation. I can honestly say that I’ve never played 18 holes of golf without at least one “Caddyshack” reference. Even when my wife’s dad, the retired judge would take me out to his country club, I’d slip in a “Your honor…Your Honor.” just for my own amusement.

This past winter, I got duped into coaching a youth basketball team. Since they’re third and fourth graders and just learning the game, there’s not a hell of a lot you can teach them, so whenever possible, I would throw in a “Hoosiers” quote. “We’re gonna run the picket fence on ‘em…just don’t caught watching the paint dry” was one of my favorites. As was the immortal “I believe you’ll find those are the same measurements as our gym back in Hickory.” The players, of course, had no idea what I was talking about, but they seemed to like it anyway. Some of the maniacs coaching the other teams were actually trying to teach eight-year-olds to set picks, so I guess indulging my nonsense wasn’t such a bad deal for them.

It’s not necessary that your listener knows the movie you’re quoting, but it helps. Last week, I was coaching baseball when one of the parents used “Losing…is a disease” from “The Natural.” So I shot back with “Look, Pop, I didn’t come here to be put to sleep by some two bit carney hypnotist. I won’t do it.” It turns out we’d both seen the movie a hundred times, so it didn’t get ugly.

My proudest Fenway Park moment was the time in the men’s room when I realized the guy next to me in the tuxedo was the same guy who had just sung the National Anthem. When he walked away from the urinal I said to the guy on the other side “Hey! It’s Enrico Palazzo!” (“The Naked Gun”). Again, I was lucky; the guy got the reference.

Last year in training camp, the Patriots were running gassers under the August sun until Richard Seymour (doing his best Mike Eruzione in “Miracle”) yelled out “I’m…Richard Seymour…and I play…for the New England Patriots!” Legend has it that Bill Belichick liked it so much he called off the rest of the practice.

The point is, these moments are going to come up in your life, and you’d better be ready with the right quote or you’ll regret it forever. As a service to our readers, here are some sports movie quotes for any occasion. Clip and save them for later use.

You’re trying to motivate a team:

“The name on the front of the uniform means a hell of a lot more than the one on the back!“

-Herb Brooks, “Miracle”

Someone feels sorry for himself:

“You're 5 foot nothin', 100 and nothin', and you have nearly a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football team in the land for 2 years. And you're gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this life, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody but yourself.”

- Fortune, “Rudy”

Your boss gives you a lousy assignment:

“I’m gonna flash ‘em, Joe. I'm gonna open up this faggot robe and wiggle my d--- at em. And do you know why? Because I want you to have a heart-attack and die so we don't have to do this s--- anymore. You and your f------ fashion shows.”

-Johnny Upton, “Slap Shot”

Your boss asks you to do anything:

“Son, in 35 years of religious study, I have only come up with two hard incontrovertible facts: there is a God, and I'm not Him.”

-Father Cavanaugh, “Rudy”

It’s “Big Speech” time:

“We’re way past “Big Speech” time here, fellas.”

- Norman Dale, “Hoosiers”

You’re trying to psych somebody out:

“Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst. Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.”

-Big Ern McCracken, “Kingpin”

You’re trying to psych somebody up:

“You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!”

-Mick, “Rocky”

And finally, one that you can say on almost any occasion and feels good about yourself:

“Hey Yankees... you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ass!”

-Tanner Boyle, “Bad News Bears”