SOX OFFENDERS

We’re more than halfway through the 2006 season and the Red Sox remain in first place in the AL East. So, if history is any indication, the late summer slide is soon to kick in. That said, although the Yankees have history on their side where the division title is concerned, they’re having just as many problems as the Sox. Unfortunately, like an Irish guy holding a pillow over his tiny pecker, they’ve been able to mask their shortcomings quite effectively, overcoming significant injuries with that fucking iron-clad, built-to-pummel line-up of theirs.

Still, we’ve got a couple games on ‘em as of this writing. But, looking ahead, it’s time to ask ourselves the billion dollar question: Is this a team that can go all the way? Bring us our second World Series trophy in three seasons? Or are they built to fall short, kinda like last year’s model? Well, Denton and I sat down with a couple 40s to discuss this very topic this afternoon, and we figgered we’d share the results with you. Basically, here’s how it breaks down: In my opinion, it ain’t gonna happen. Denton, on the other hand, is keeping the champagne handy.

WHY THE SOX AREN’T GOING TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES THIS YEAR: Folks, I try to be the eternal optimist, the yin to Denton’s yang, but I gotta tell you: Unless they’re somehow able to recruit Sub Mariner and Iron Man, this team will not advance to the final set, let alone take the division title. The main problem: pitching. In 2004 – using that championship season as a sort of comparison point – we had Pedro. We had Schilling. We had the bizarre critter that was Derek Lowe, whose scruffy, Spicoli-esque charm inexplicably flipped to all nails and guns-blazin’ seriousness in the playoffs (remember that incredible shutting down of the Oakland As in the 2003 ALDS?). We also had an effective Tim Wakefield to eat up innings or baffle the fuck out of batters with his knuckleball zaniness. In short, we had a staff capable of stopping the best, as illustrated against the Cardinals.

This year, we’ve got… Schilling. And Beckett Lite, because the Beckett we’ve seen to this point can either hurl a shut out or go tits up by the third inning; you never quite know what you’re gonna get. Same goes for Wakefield, who may not be back at all this season. We’ve also got Lester, who has certainly been serviceable but is not exactly a proven commodity. And when you consider that Schilling’s health is always a question mark, you realize just how realistic the possibility is of finding ourselves staring at the Blue Jays’ arses when the dust settles. We’ve got Papelbon to close things out, and there’s no reason to believe he’ll be anything but razor sharp for the balance of the year. But we gotta get to him first, and when our starters give us five or six innings and we gotta bridge the gaps with the likes of Julian Tavarez and Rudy Seanez, you can see just how Herculean a task that can be.

Now, we do have a trade deadline coming up. And Theo is known to work a phone line or two this time of year. But we’re gonna need something more than someone else’s fourth or fifth starter. We need something more, like a Dontrelle Willis or a Roger Clemens (hell, yeah, I’d welcome him back). Someone who can come in and chew ass and give us a sense of security if we lose Schilling or Beckett continues to wobble toward the finish line.

Of course, pitching may be our biggest problem, but it’s not our only problem. The offense is still questionable, especially now that guys like Youkilis and Lowell are cooling down. And what the fuck happened to Coco Crisp? Back in April, I figgered the guy would have his own talk show and record deal and be a regular fixture at mall openings throughout New England. Turns out he’s lucky he doesn’t get taken out and beaten for ordering double meat at Subway. His bat has been virtually non-existent, and his fielding – save a Spielberg-inspired snare from time-to-time – seems suspect to me.

Hey, the good news is that everything could change with a big trade or Mike Lowell getting belted by gamma rays. And I wait patiently for such opportunities.

WHY THE SOX ARE GOING TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES THIS YEAR:

How quickly the masses, including Red, forget the magic that was 2004. Are people really so brainwashed by the radio talk show fucktards that they believe it was a “once in a lifetime” event? Wake the fuck up, Boston. The 2004 championship came from the vision of an ownership willing to spend some money, put the right people in key spots, and let those people do their jobs. Larry Luchino, Theo Epstein - and I can’t believe I’m saying this - Terry Francona, are as much responsible for bringing a parade to this town as Manny, Papi, Schilling, Dave Roberts and the rest of the 2004 club. So, sports fans, here is why the 2006 club is built to win a championship.

The Lineup: Remember all of the heralded (no newspaper reference intended…or was there?) sportswriters saying how the offense wasn’t going to be as potent because of the hole in the lineup at shortstop and the train wreck playing third and the unproven guy playing first? Those miserable, limp-dicked doomsayers couldn’t be any more wrong. They have all the credibility of a weatherman when it comes to predictions. Runs per game and homeruns are down marginally from 2004, 5.86 to 5.59 and 222 to 210 respectively. Batting average and OBP are virtually the same as they were in 2004. With the warmer months still ahead, the HR’s and runs per game will get closer to the 2004 numbers. You heard it here at Barstool first!

The Defense: Do I really even have to get into this? Anybody with one good eye should be able to see that this club is, as my daughter would say, nasty when it comes to defense. And yes, that is a good thing. The Red Sox currently have a league-leading 0.99 fielding percentage. Let me break that down for those of you who might be mathematically challenged: they don’t screw up very often. They are only on pace to commit 60 errors this season, which would tie a record. Christ, Renteria made that many errors single-handedly last season. Before the All-Star break. And not only do they make the plays they should be making; they make a few they shouldn’t. Coco’s full-extension-horizontal-Spiderman-like dive a few weeks ago could be the catch of the year. Alex Gonzalez makes plays regularly that Nomar would wake up stuck to the sheets if he dreamt about them. Loretta has been Gold Glove eligible so far, Lowell has been fine, no downgrade from Bill Mueller at all, and Youk has been above average. Manny, well, I guess he’s been just been Manny.

The Rotation: The starters have not exactly been “lights out” but show me a team’s that has. Schilling has been the 2004 Schilling, not the hobbled mess that was the 2005 version. He’ll strike you out, call you out, and even knock you out to protect his hitters. He is not to be fucked with. Beckett has been alternating between the “1A” starter behind Schill we all wanted, and a home-run-maker with Wasdinesque skills. He is no Pedro Martinez, but he does still have 11 wins. Tim Wakefield has been what you’d expect, much as he was in 2004. He is the blue-collared working man’s pitcher. He’ll give you everything he’s got. Some nights it is enough, some it isn’t. Jon Lester has been a gift. Undefeated in limited starts, Houdini-like with some of the jams he escapes, but purely based on “stuff” the guy is for real. And the fifth starter…OK, it is a problem. Wells, Clement, Johnson, Habbard, they’ve all pretty much been a potpourri of suck or injury. Kyle Snyder may be able to keep the club in some games. The reality is, come October, the fifth starter goes to the pen for long relief or mop-up duty anyway.

The Bullpen: At times this has been an adventure, but of late, I’d put these guys up against the 2004 pen any day. And that includes not just pitching but a dance-off or steel cage match as well. Seanez and Tavares have been relegated to “we need a warm body” status. Unless it is a 15 inning game, don’t expect to see these guys on the mound if the Sox aren’t either winning or losing by at least 6 runs. The real bullpen is now made up of the young guns – Manny Delcarmen, Craig Hansen and Jon Papelbon – and the elder statesman Mike Timlin. Delcarmen gets better every time he pitches. He had a scoreless streak of 11 innings at one point, with 12 strikeouts in those innings. Craig Hansen is another strikeout-per-inning guy who could be a closer for any other team. Timlin is the Wakefield of the pen – you know what you’re getting night in and night out. But the real story of the 2006 bullpen has been Jon Papelbon. Twenty-nine saves, 50 K’s in 50 innings and a microscopic ERA of 0.54. This guy is a closer. Not some junk-throwing pussy, but a fireballer with attitude. He’ll shut you down faster than a preacher’s daughter. And he’ll do it a fuck-you game face and a fist pump to get the message across as you walk slump-shouldered back to the dugout. Batters are his bitches. All of them. And in his spare time, he and Lester co-created the “there is no h in Jon” foundation. With Terry Francona at the helm and Theo lurking in the wings as the trade deadline approaches, this team is as poised to win a championship as any other.