Sox Offenders

Hard to believe we’re already halfway through the 2006 baseball season and Julian Tavarez still hasn’t killed anyone with his bare hands. Of course, the second half is ripe with such possibilities, but rather than dwell on what might occur, we’re gonna spend this week’s column reviewing the things that have happened throughout the first half of the season – some surprising, others not so much.

David Ortiz is Immortal. Okay, not really, but has there been anyone who can change the course of mighty rivers – not to mention a ballgame – quite like Big Papi? There have been some moments during the first half of this season where I’ve had to remind myself that I wasn’t imagining his awesomeness. When we need a big hit, nine times out of ten, he delivers. When we need any sort of contact that enables a tying or winning run to cross the plate, he’s the guy. This is even more remarkable when you consider that for years we endured a revolving door of DHs that included the likes of Bernard Gilkey, Rob Deer and Dante Bichette. Now we’ve got a guy who’s truly bigger than life, smashing home runs with one hand, and endearing himself to the masses with the other. He’s the cloest thing we’ve got to a bona fide dieity in Boston sports, and he’s a big part of the reason we’re currently enjoying the greatest possible time to be a Red Sox fan in the history of Earth. Period.

Mike Lowell can hit. In March, he was the guy we had to sign to get Josh Beckett. Now, less than four months in, he might even be more valuable to this team than Beckett. Not only has Lowell given us sterling defense, he’s also kept the ol’ BA above .300. When he steps to the plate, you’ve got confidence that he’s gonna get something done, and he’s currently on pace for about 30 homers and 60 doubles. And through it all, he maintains that glorious G.I. Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip beard. That’s smashing!

So can Kevin Youkilis. Youk is another guy we pegged for nothing. We figgered the only thing he’d give us is a couple memorably bad plays at first, and an automatic out in the line-up. But the guy’s proved us wrong – he’s been born again hard, consistently getting on base and setting the table for the big guns. To look at the guy, you wouldn’t know if he eats with a fork or can perform simple math – he has that sorta Neanderthal thing goin’ on. But when he puts on the uniform, the guy represents. We say it proud: Youuuuuuuuk!

And how about A-Gon. When Alex Gonzalez was acquired by the Sox, he came in a bright red box labeled: “Good with glove; nothing with the bat.” And we were fine with that, because he flashed some seriously impressive leather for most of the first half. The pleasant surprise has been the bat: Dude is flirting with .300 and has provided us with some impressive bottom-of-the-order power.

We can now safely admit it: Matt Clement sucks. When we decided not to pick up Pedro’s contract in 2005, the front office assumed – perhaps prayed, even – that Matt Clement could pick up the slack, providing that critical second starter and combining with Schilling, Wake and Wells to provide a fairly potent rotation. Thing is, although he started off reasonably well in 2005, Clement has sucked mightily, barely conjuring the sort of performances befitting a fourth or fifth starter, let alone a guy you’d peg for the number two spot. Granted, he’s taken a couple balls of the coconut, but he was chartering midnight flights to Shitsville long before the first one struck. If anything, it probably exacerbated his descent. Now, with each passing day, it seems less likely that the guy will be back this season, and you’d almost have to ask if we really want him back. Problem is, they haven’t quite been able to plug up the hole he’s left in the rotation. Kyle Snyder was serviceable in his spot start, but do we really want to be relying on a Royals cast-off in the heat of a pennant race? And God knows the Jason Johnson era has brought us nothing, unless you count ending our most excellent twelve-game win streak with a pants-shittingly bad performance. In a best case scenario, Wells comes back and Clement is relegated to mop-up or bullpen duties until he can prove his worth. But I don’t see Wells breaking any healing records, either. That means if there are any deals to be done before the end of July, they’ll have to be for a reliable starter. And to paraphrase David Ortiz, “Dontrelle Willis ain’t goin’ to no Red Sox.”

Jonathan Papelbon is amazing. Okay, so in the last game before the All Star break, he coughed up a lead. To that point, he’s been 97% nails, giving us a sense of confidence that a one- or two-run lead in the eighth might just hold.

Jason Varitek is lost. In 2004, Tek defined that ballsiness that propelled the entire team. To hell with history, they said, we’re perfectly capable of bringing home a World Series trophy. Christ, that photo of him feeding A-Rod his full day’s supply of Vitamin Glove became the goddam mission statement of the 2004 team. But somewhere along the way, the Captain got lost. Now he’s like a shell of his former self. The closest thing we’ve got to an automatic out in the line-up. And his much celebrated je ne sais quoi when it comes to taming wild pitchers hasn’t seemed to help Beckett settle in to the American League. This is not a lost cause, people. The Captain can regain his glory. But the clock always seems to have aging catchers by the short and curlies. Let’s hope that’s not the case here.

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