Sox Offenders

At the quarter turn for the 2006 season, things certainly aren’t what they appear. Leading the AL East by a couple of games over the dreaded Yankees, most would look at the three and four spots to be leading the charge; not stopping at beating up opposing pitchers but then visiting their homes for relations with the pitchers’ wives and eating all the processed meats and Twinkies in their cupboards. Not so, sports fans. There have been flashes of brilliance from the Weapons of Mass Destruction who wear numbers 34 and 24, but the consistent attack has come from some surprising and unlikely sources. Let’s have a look.

Coco Crisp: A fan favorite before ever setting foot in Fenway wearing a Sox uniform. Handsome, well-spoken, charming and talented, not to mention a cool, catchy name, Coco Crisp was poised to rival Papi and Schilling for the Sox most popular player. Five games into the season, he was still on that pace. A broken finger, Kidney stones, and forty-two games out of the line-up, Crisp has a long way to go. With Youk filling in as leadoff hitter beyond anyone’s expectations and Wily Mo helping out in center, Coco beware.

Mark Loretta: Anyone who bitched about the Loretta pickup based on last year’s injury-plagued season should reach for the nearest meat tenderizer and give themselves a firm poke to the grapes. The guy is a career .300-hitter and has a career OBP of .370. In his last healthy season (2004) he hit .335 with lots of doubles. Yeah, lots. I didn’t feel like looking it up, OK? Strong defense, solid clubhouse guy, and he can hit in the two-hole. At the moment (May 29) he has a 14-game hit streak. He stays healthy, everybody’s happy.

David Ortiz: Big Papi is off to a great start with the power production. Yet his average is oddly low. What gives? I had this year penciled in as the year of the Papi. You know, sandwiches names after him, everybody showing up to Fenway emulating his finely manicured facial hair, Big Papi action figures, maybe a “So You Think You Can Be Like Papi” reality show. It still could happen, but the man has got to do more than hit homeruns. He seems befuddled by the overshift. Play 2005-style and drop a bunt down the third base line. Mix it up a little.

Manny Ramirez: Manny got off to a s-l-o-w start but he has been very Manny-like recently. The average and the power numbers are back in the Manny zone. His hair has dropped a few style points but no doubt he’ll change that up too. Lately it has been like Manny and Ortiz have been sharing one bat. Manny goes cold, Ortiz heats up. Ortiz struggles, Manny lights it up. We’re waiting patiently for the days when they get in sync. Pitchers take note: this day is coming. And you will be humbled. You will see them admiring their ridiculous homeruns as you head to an early shower.

Trot Nixon: Nixon’s made his name by being a rough-and-tumble sort. The original “Dirt Dog,” he characterizes everything we like in our players: Not afraid to run into walls, always the first one out of the dugout for a donnybrook, and possessing a slightly Neanderthal edge. Thing is, outside of a few spectacular catches in the outfield, he’s never quite lived up to his potential, and he also tends to spend extended lengths on the DL, which is why this is likely his last season in Boston. For the rest of this year, while I don’t think his bat necessarily hurts us, it really doesn’t help us all that much either. Count on Trot for the occasional big hit, a smattering of home runs, and some gut-wrenching pop-outs in key situations. Then wish him well in September as he makes his way out the door.

Jason Varitek: Tek is the team leader. The “go to” guy. The person you want on your side when A-Rod starts talking shit or Dmitri Young charges the mound. Though I’d swear he struck out in every key situation last season, the record will show that he hit .281 with 22 home runs, a fairly respectable line. So far this year, he’s around .235 – definitely not the place we want him to be.

Mike Lowell: Seeing as how he batted a robust .236 in 2005, and considering the “buy one, get one” package deal the Marlins put together to slide him out of town with Josh Beckett, it was pretty easy to write off Mike Lowell as an embarrassment waiting to happen. Surprisingly, he’s been one of this year’s big stories, clubbing a phenomenal 22 doubles over April and May – previously, the most he’s ever hit over an entire season is 44 -- and keeping his average in the .320 zone. Maybe it was the change of scenery that done him good, maybe the fear of 15,000 drunken contractors from Southie at every home game. Whatever the case, Lowell has been this season’s most pleasant surprise, and if he can keep it up till September, he’ll have earned his own show on NESN.

Kevin Youkilis: Here’s another guy I expected the worst from. When Coco went down and all eyes turned to Youk to lead off, I figgered I’d be hooking myself up to a Maalox IV every game. But Youk has been an absolute monster, batting a good .320 clip for much of this young season and, more importantly, flashing some impressive leather. There’s been nothing in his past performance to indicate this sort of output, so I live in constant fear that it will all dry up with the flick of a switch, transforming him into the white Darren Lewis. But if he can somehow keep the magic alive, the thought of this power deep in the line-up – where Youk will be relocated once Coco’s back in the fold – is the stuff that October dreams are made of. And pardon the cliché, please. I’m smashed.

Alex Gonzalez: I once joked that if A-Gon could bat his weight, I’d be happy. But the fact is, he’s 202 pounds, and he wasn’t even hitting that for a while. So now I’m aiming a bit higher. If he can remain somewhere in the neighborhood of .250, I’ll be a happy camper. This is not impossible; he’s a career .244 hitter who batted .264 last year. And while his glove work has been stellar, I like to see a little offense from time to time. If we're not asking too much.