Sox Offenders

Almost two months into the 2006 season and the Red Sox are tied for first place in the AL East. It hasn’t been a cakewalk, and at times they’ve played some truly ass-ugly baseball, but they’ve shown a bit of gusto. So, rather than waste valuable space complaining about Curt Schilling or wondering aloud why Willie Harris can’t be drugged and bound and dropped onto a banana boat to Central America, we decided to offer our meager thoughts on the 2006 team to this point in the season, starting with the starting pitchers.

Josh Beckett: Man, he’s good. And we knew he was gonna be good. And except for that absolute meltdown in Cleveland, he’s lived up to expectations. But he needs to be a little bit better. He struggles waaaaay too much in the early innings, and is fully capable of giving up 2 or 4 runs before “settling down” and finding that all-important “comfort zone.” Write this down: He will spark at least one major Yankees fracas by hitting A-Rod in the ass.

Curt Schilling: When we talk about the Schilldog in 2006, we’re talking about two different people. There’s the April Schilling, who won three games and held a microscopic ERA, and then there’s the May Schilling, who gives up homeruns like a Jersey girl doling out hummers. If we can get Mr. April back, we should be in pretty good shape. But that might be a pretty big “if.” Especially when you consider the fact that the dude’s in his forties, with an ankle that has more pins and bolts than R2-D2. In fact, the more I think about how much is hinging on Schilling’s health, the easier it is to give in to absolute batshit panic. Good thing we’re above that.

Tim Wakefield: The rap on Timmy is that he’s typically better than his record reflects. I’m not sure that’s necessarily true this season thus far, but the fact that the Sox had to go retrieve Doug Mirabelli, for whom Wake has been a long time meal ticket, from San Diego shows just how dire the situation had become. In the blink of an eye, he can give up seven runs. Or he can absolutely baffle the piss out of opposing batters. Thing is, you never know which Tim is gonna show up. We’ll give him a mulligan for the Josh Bard era, but we wouldn’t mind seeing a four- or five-game win streak outta him.

Matt Clement: I wasn’t a big fan of Clement last year, and the jury’s still out in my book. When we picked him up, we thought he’d be a good number two guy behind Schilling. But it turns out that, at best, he’s a good fourth or fifth starter who will either give you some quality innings or knock you right out of a game by the second inning. He may have a brilliant game here or there, but I simply don’t think we’re gonna see any incredible stretches out of his arm this season. If Roger Clemens ever comes back, I’d think Clement would be the guy they’d try to move to make room. His beard, however, is endlessly fascinating and I’d advise the front office to try to cut a deal that will keep it around, even if Matty gets shipped.

Lenny DiNardo: Understand: Lenny seems like a nice enough guy. He plays guitar, we think, because we’ve seen him at some of those Hot Stove concerts. He’s also quite a gamer, stepping up while we wait out the latest chapter in the David Wells saga. But let’s be honest: The guy belongs in Pawtucket. And when/if Wells comes back, we know that’s the first place Len’s gonna be shipped. In the meantime, his every start is a bleeding ulcer waiting to happen, so I tend to drink prodigiously beforehand, allowing the sweet, sweet alcohol to rescue me from the pain.

Bullpen: Here, we simply need to utter two names: Papelbon and Timlin. If it weren’t for these guys, we’d have long since jumped off the Tobin Bridge. To a degree, Foulke has made considerable advances in restoring the luster to his name. But everyone else – yes, I’m talking to you, Seanez and Tavarez – has been something of a trainwreck. Tavarez in particular seems to be channeling messages from outer space whenever he takes the hill, as if receiving his orders from the Imperious Leader. I don’t quite know why the Braintrust has seen fit to saddle us with the Z Guys, but something must be done at once, before they can inflict further damage on this team. Tavarez is especially a menace, seemingly so upset at his own incompetence he can’t stop taking it out on other people. Must he punch another phone or try to bite a hole in the Green Monster before we understand the need to have him sedated and thrown to the eels?

Analysis: Based on what we’ve seen over the first two months, I think there’s considerable room for panic. Beckett has been good, but not pants-shittingly awesome. Curt has hit the skids. Clement and DiNardo and Wake are essentially rolls of the dice whenever they take the mound. And only 50% of the bullpen is reliable. So why are we smiling? Because the offense has been quite, quite good. And that’s what we’ll focus on next issue.

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