SOX OFFENDERS

Let’s get something straight before we get started. We’re Red Sox fans. That means after every win, WE’RE going to the World Series, but after every loss, THEY are a bunch of overpaid losers or it’s time for a new manager or GM. So when WE win the opening game, sports radio phone lines will be jammed with out-of-work landscapers, Frialator jockeys can-collectors who will be prognosticating an undefeated season. The difference between us and those who dwell in their mom’s basement is simple. We have facts to back up our bold predictions. Look no further than a few Barstool issues ago for your proof. We are the Nostra-frickin-damus of the baseball world.

We mentioned in our February 22^nd article that we would need every ounce of Curt Schilling’s ankle, steel balls, and bigger-than-life ego to have a shot at winning anything. We saw a healthy dose of all of that in the first seven innings of the season. A Nation held their collective breath in the fourth when Schill went to cover the first-base bag on a close play. It’s an ankle injury waiting to happen for a young, healthy pitcher. For Schilling it would be the difference between a good summer and Mayor Menino selling tickets to leap in an orderly fashion from your choice of the Tobin or Zakum Bridge. But Schill made the play and went on to victory, pitching seven strong. Is there a batter out there who really wants to face Schilling? He’s like Nolan Ryan, waiting patiently for some stupid Robin Ventura type to challenge him, then calmly kicking his ass. No, he is definitely not to be fucked with.

There are only two words needed to describe Coco Crisp: Johnny who? Crisp had a hit in the opener but made what could have been the play of the game, and the catch that saved Keith Foulke’s life. There is no doubt Damon would have smashed ass over face into the wall and make a game out of it in the ninth. Crisp has a chance to be the most-chanted name at Fenway this year. Not only will the fans love his onfield performance, but the man can actually talk. No more post-game interviews with a retarded caveman and every other word being “umm” – this guy has charisma.

Do we even have to talk about Big Papi? No, we don’t have to, but we will. Ortiz gets better every time we see him. Come on, the guy is on pace for 162 home runs, 486 RBI and a .600 batting average. Should be enough for a triple crown…unless Manny gets hot. Completing the outfield is the original Dirt-Dog, Trot Nixon. The only thing tougher this season for him than avoiding injury will be avoiding the trading block. There are a couple of guys named Stern and Pena waiting in the wings. And those guys know a little bit about baseball themselves. Wily Mo has all of the potential to be the next Big Papi. Just think about that for a minute.

Two of the biggest ’06 wild cards are Mike Lowell and Alex Gonzalez. Everybody knew about their gloves, but you can only have one DH so these guys still have to swing the lumber. Lowell is a guy who went from averaging 27+ home runs a year between 2002 and 2004, to a dismal 8 home runs in 2005. Just a horrendous, season-long slump, or something cough-steroids-cough else? Too early to tell but he’s now just seven short of tying last year’s mark for long balls. And to be honest, anything we get out of Gonzalez at the plate is baseball’s version of the Happy Ending. Mark Loretta batting second is the perfect bridge from Coco to the Weapons of Mass Destruction batting 3 and 4. A .301 career hitter and a doubles machine. Expect 100+ runs scored from him this year. And finally, Jason Varitek, El Capitan. As dependable as the ice cream man on a hot summer day.

Granted, there really isn’t a perfect season, or a perfect team for that matter. Cases in point – Kevin Youkilis and Keith Foulke.

Denton’s prediction for Foulke: “My money’s on someone other than Keith Foulke pitching the 9th by the All-Star break.” If opening day was any indication, Foulke won’t make Patriot’s Day before being yanked from the closer role and given a post-game blanket party by a few adoring “fans” – a couple who look suspiciously like Tito Francona and Theo Epstein.

Red’s assesment of Youk: “A rally killer of the highest order whose presence in an already weakened line-up represents another free pass to the opposing pitcher.” I think 0-4 with a strikeout backs that argument, don’t you?

As you can see, we’re not the kind of guys who jump to any conclusions one game into the season. We know the Sox will lose a few games and even the superhuman powers of Manny and Ortiz might run into a little Kryponite once in a while. Hell, even Shill might walk two batters in a game and not make it into the seventh inning once or twice. But make no mistake – this team has “it” – chemistry, heart, whatever label you want to use. There are very different faces and a very noticable lack of “idiots” but this team is eerily similar to a team that played here in 2004. And that worked out pretty well.

Red and Denton can be found screwing off daily at www.survivinggrady.com