SOX OFFENDERS

SOX OFFENDERS
Know Thine Enemy: The 2006 AL East
By Red & Denton

Bronson’s gone. Wells is talking ragtime. Lowell’s looking like the lost cause we feared he’d be [at least through much of spring training]. And Schilling, it seems, can only strike out minor leaguers. No one said the 2006 Red Sox were gonna have it easy, what with so many new parts. But every team in the AL East has its own question marks to deal with, as we’ll see in this largely uninformed look at the competition within our division.

New York Yankees: This is where our eyes are inevitably cast because, well, in addition to being the Joker to our Batman, they’ve won the goddam division so many times it almost seems like their birthright. This is something we have to nip in the bud. Can we do it? It’ll be tougher this year than any other. On paper, the Yankees are an offensive juggernaut, whereas our offense is expected to take a hit this year. Also, if Johnny Damon can come anywhere close to the numbers he put up last year, he’ll quickly become a huge pain in our collective arse. But here’s the thing: When the Yankees signed Mike Mussina, they were supposed to win it all. When they signed A-Rod, they were supposed to win it all. When they signed the Unit, they were supposed to win it all. The point is, nothing’s cast in stone, and there’s no reason to conceded the East just yet. That said, if Beckett goes tits-up rather quickly, we may want to start warming up that Wild Card T-shirt press.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Oh, for feck’s sake, Eva Longoria will show up at my house to 69 me into the ground before the D-Rays take the East. That said, they play hard and they’re also a pesky bunch of fuckers who aren’t afraid to throw at batters or give second basemen the “spikes salute.” Particularly our batters and second basemen. I think, pound for pound, we’ve probably brawled more with the D-Rays in recent years than the Yankees, and there’s a lingering animosity that seems to spill out every time we head down south. Remember Gerald Williams charging Pedro a couple years back? Or the now-infamous “let’s kill Brian Daubach” routine? Seriously, they’re like a low-grade Yankees, without the talent but still feeling they’ve got something to prove. It’s the sort of mystique that makes them stand taller in September, when they’re already making autumn plans and we’re trying to line up our starters for the post-season. They’ve got nothing to lose by throwing at one of our guys, whereas we risk Papi on the DL for the ALCS. Surly, surly bastards, those D-Rays. Keep and eye on ‘em.

Baltimore Orioles: Let’s face it, excluding “The Ironman’s Streak” the O’s haven’t been worthy of mention in any sporting news in a very long time. They haven’t been a legitimate contender past Memorial Day since the Stock Market crash in 1997. That was when the winning combo of Mike Mussina, Scott Erickson and Jimmy Key dominated the hill. For the past eight years they’ve been the skinny kid getting beat up by the neighborhood bullies, namely the Yankees and Red Sox. And why should this year be any different? Sorry, Baltimore, it looks like you guys are in for your eighth fourth-place finish in the last nine seasons.

Consider the facts: a very young staff of starting pitchers being mentored by Kris Benson. That’s a recipe for a lot of tough losses and one very large sexual scandal. Keep in mind the comments the virtuous Mrs. Benson made a couple of years back. Something along the lines of she’d bang every player and coach on Kris’ team if she caught him cheating. Can’t you just see Kevin Millar’s wheels turning? Going out for a few shots of JD with Kris and “bumping into” a couple of young ladies, only to have Anna suddenly appear? Cowboy up!

They’ve got Miggy and Brian Roberts and Jay Gibbons, but things go downhill pretty quick after that. They’ve gone the juice route – Sosa, Palmeiro – to no avail. Short of bringing Cal out of retirement or having the “win a night with Anna Benson” drawing at the park, Camden Yards will be empty except for when they play the Sox.

Toronto Blue Jays: The trendy pick for 2006 to make a run at the AL East title. Why? The Jays are pretty well stocked in position players. Hinske and Overbay are a solid tandem at first. Troy Glaus, Shea Hillenbrand and Russ Adams round out the infield. Patrolling the outfield you’ve got Wells, Johnson and Catalanotto – not too shabby. But the pride of Canada has the glaring misfortune of being in the same division as perennial powers New York and Boston. Thirty-eight games against those two teams can really throw a hurtin’ on your season. Especially if you have less than stellar starting pitching.

Before Sunday, I guess the A.J. Burnett signing was considered a great off-season pick-up. But in a shocking turn of events – note sarcasm – Burnett left his latest spring training start with elbow soreness. There’s always Roy “Doc” Halladay, but he has to be considered a question mark after his season ended in July with a broken leg. A broken fucking leg. They shoot horses for that, you know. Gustavo Chacin had a great first full season in the majors in 2005, but would you bet the farm on a repeat performance? That leaves Ted Lilly. He’s shown flashes of lightning-like brilliance surrounded by dark clouds of suckiness. Good for ten or twelve wins, not much more.

A trendy pick: yes. A good pick: maybe for third place. The reality is, as it has been for a long time, the AL East is a two-horse race. The rest of the division simply cannot compete with the inflated payrolls of Boston and New York. Sure, we’ve seen the Anaheim’s and Florida’s steal a few World Series on relatively low budgets. But you’ve got to make the playoffs to get to the big dance. And Toronto doesn’t have the weapons to even sneak into the Wild Card spot.

So, from the mouths of idiots to your ears, here is the AL East prediction you haven’t been waiting for.
Boston Red Sox - come on, we tied the friggin' Yankees last year - why not?
New York Yankees - yeah, big surprise, but they'll always be hanging around.
Toronto Blue Jays - third, but not a close third.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays - fast, young players with big balls.
Baltimore Orioles - the "we want Cal" chant will begin in July.

Feel free to read more of this inane babbling at www.survivinggrady.com