Sox Offenders

by Red & Denton

Let's face it, after the masterpiece that was the 2004 Red Sox season, anything was gonna feel lame by comparison. Looking back on the 2005 season, it's like "Return of the Jedi" or Van Halen's "Diver Down" or that other Duff sister. Not quite as good as its predecessor, but still pretty damn squeezable in its own right.

Now, on the cusp of the 2006 season, everything seems weird. Johnny's gone. So's Millar. And who the fuck is this Loretta character playing where Mark Bellhorn's supposed to be? Whatever the case, while some have been wringing their fists in angst, we're gonna take an opportunity to point out all the things that could actually go right for the Red Sox in the upcoming season.
Maybe Mike Lowell Won't Suck: The general consensus is that Lowell just ain't good anymore [coughsteroidscough], and that we're gonna be carrying dead weight at third all year, especially since we just handed off top prospect Andy Marte to the Cleveland Indians [see what happens when everybody knows you need a centerfielder?]. But, what if Lowell finds his form? What if Fenway brings out the best in him, and, responding to all this negativity, he reaches deep down inside himself to pull out one his most productive seasons ever? Yeah, of course it's not going to happen, but, come on, it's cool to at least imagine it, right?

Schilling Can Only Get Better: Actually, he could get worse. But somehow, I just don't see that. Here's a guy whose ego rides shotgun with him down route 109, and frequently runs up larger breakfast tabs than his entire extended family. I don't think he wants the 2005 season to be his legacy, and I've got a good feeling that ego's gonna push him to at least match his 2004 record. And if you think Schill-dog hasn't spent the off-season replacing his bum ankle with stainless steel robot parts... well, you just don't know the man.
We Might Still Get Roger Back: Maybe. Possibly. I mean, we need some kinda feel-good splash before the season starts, right? I mean, Coco Crisp isn't it. Right?

Manny and Ortiz: Another year of watching these two leave grown men pissing their pants in terror? You're damn right I'm excited about it. We knew Manny wasn't going anywhere, and with the line-up looking like it does right now... we honestly can't afford to lose him.

Kelly the Ball Girl: Authorities, I laugh at you and your ridiculous "restraining orders." So long as I've got my third-base line seats and an active imagination, she's mine. All mine.

Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss: Theo's back. Or maybe he never left? Either way, the man who architected the 2004 team is at the helm. Sure, some fans and media ripped him after his great escape on Halloween. Some had the absolute fucktardedness to give credit to Dan Duquette credit for the 2004 team, while laying blame on the Boy Wonder for 2005. The reality is, Boston has not yet begun to see the results of Theo's work. The minor league clubs are filthy with young talent. Guys like Lester, Hansen, Papelbon and Pedroia are on the verge of breaking into the bigs. So get your heads out of your asses and appreciate young Theo.

Stealing First: Remember when Kevin Millar stopped making up slogans, quit doing stupid commercials, and busted out of his slump? Me either. That being said, anyone not named Kevin Millar playing first base for the Red Sox has to be considered an upgrade. Sure, I'll miss the near-gay man-love Millar had for Manny, but let's face it, a cardboard cut-out of George Scott would have made more plays than the Karaoke Guy.

Close The Deal. Please?: With just over three weeks until pitchers and catchers report to sunny Florida, the Red Sox closer is still Keith Foulke. In October of '04, he sent opposing batters walking back to the dugout shaking their heads. In 2005, he brought Red Sox Nation nearly to tears with his limp-armed pitching and his "My name is Keith Foulke and I'm a whiny little bitch" attitude every time he was interviewed. We can hope he sacs up this year and returns to his 2004 form. Yes, we can hope.

Bringing It Home: Indeed, Johnny Damon is gone. So are many others who helped make the Red Sox World Series Champions. The two guys that make being a member of the Nation will be back: Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo. Nothing says summer better than a little RemDawg and D.O. banter, a few bouts of hysterical laughter, and a long, comfortable silence as they try to regain composure. What is better than a 5-run Red Sox lead to get the RemDawg wound up? Next thing you know, everybody's wearing do-rags and Wally is doing something just a little inappropriate.

There you have it, sports fans. Out with the old, in with the new. Edgar Renteria's short reign is over, Mota and Marte never had the pleasure of donning a Red Sox uni, and vets like J.T. Snow and Mark Loretta will join forces with the Red Sox youth to make a run. Maybe not as cool as grabbing Scarlett Johansson's boob on nationwide television, but close.