Sox Offenders

by Red & Denton

In case you've been living in a cave for the past, oh, six years, you know that life on Planet Manny can be a strange thing indeed. It seems that ever since Manuel Aristides Ramirez showed up on Yawkey Way, he's been whining about setting up shop somewhere else -- New York, Anaheim, Mount Olympus, Bedrock, etc. Most of the time, said whining is just that; the meaningless prattle of an overpaid superstar. But this offseason, it's been particularly intense. Another demand to be traded. Yawn. Oh, but this time, he's going to boycott spring training if he's still with Boston. Whatever. Hey, he's serious this time. Or maybe not.

Tiresome, isn't it? But it makes for good talk radio, and gives us something to think about while folks like Mark Loretta and J.T. Snow file into town. So this week, Denton and I figgered we'd examine the Manny issue from both sides of the coin; Denton says cut him loose, already, while I say that letting Senor Ramirez walk would be like cutting off your berries to spite your twig. Or something like that.

KEEP MANNY: Dudes, I have to be honest: My man-love for Manny is immense beyond anything your puny human brains can contain. And I don't give a flying handshake if he sets up a bed and nightstand in left field, stops the game every inning to take a dump and read the latest Maxim in the secret bathroom behind the Monster scoreboard, or listens to The Little River Band on his iPod while a game is in progress. Okay, that last point would have me questioning his taste in music, perhaps, but not his ability to play the game. Or, more specifically, his ability to scare holy beejesus out of any opposing pitcher he faces.

You see, in Manny Ramirez, we have a truly rare beast: a player whose mere presence causes the other team to alter its style of play. Don't nobody want to be facing Manny in the bottom of the ninth with the tying run on first, and most teams will do whatever they can to avoid such scenarios. Well, that's power, man, and it's not the sort of thing you cannot take lightly. Manny is, without question, one of the most amazing and prodigious and ridiculously talented hitters of our time, and his absence in our line-up would resonate far more painfully than anyone seems willing to acknowledge. Because if they truly did understand the void we'd be left with, they'd be saying, "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" everytime the subject even came up.

Who cares if the guy can't find it in himself to remember how many outs there are per inning? When you're Kevin Youkilis, and your offensive contribution is limited to striking out with the bases loaded once per game, then, yeah, such behavior a crime. But if you're Manny? Christ almighty, I don't give a fuck if the guy forgets to wear his goddam pants to the ballpark.

And we're not even mentioning what the guy brings you in sheer entertainment value alone. His goofy grin, airheaded mugging and incessant pointing at the camera after every homerun is one of the things that make him and this team so goddam endearing to the masses. Dumb as a box of hammers? Maybe, but who gives a fuck? There's a reason we pay $500 to wedge our asses into undersized seats and gorge ourselves on warm beer and greasy hotdogs. And that reason is watching Manny tear the hide off the ball. If we're gonna harbor any illusions of hanging with the Yankees and Blue Jays in 2006, we gotta keep the guy around.


TRADE MANNY: Not all of the sometimes-faithful Red Sox Nation is as Manny-happy. Superhuman production year in and year out does not excuse the lack of respect for fans, teammates and for the game of baseball itself. The Manny incidents include:

• Perennial trips to the Dominican to attend the funeral of a dead grandmother (7 to date)
• Trips inside the Green Monster during games
• Refusal to run out ground balls (average of once per 15 at-bats)
• Demanding to be traded
• Days off to take the United States citizenship test
• Bouts with the deadly Pharangitis affliction
• Intercepting the throw to the infield
• The tweaked hammy

For many fans these deficiencies are forgotten as soon as Manny delivers a tape-measure blast to the Mass Pike, runs out to the field waving an American flag, or gets a seeing-eye single to win a game. But there are others, including myself, who see these actions as an affront to the integrity of the team and the game. And from that faction, the message is clear: trade the 20-million-dollar man.

The way I look at it, Manny will have the same impact as any other superstar: kids will want to emulate him. Do you really want to go to your son or daughter’s game, and see some hotshot Manny-wannabe jumping behind a tree in left field to take a piss? Or have the final out of a game come on a grounder to short that gets bobbled, picked up and thrown to second even though there was nobody on first running to second, and finally thrown to first on three hops where the “runner” is out because he or she is already back in the dugout practicing sunflower seed spitting? I’m not saying he’s as bad as the wife-beaters and steroid-users that adorn the game, but he ain’t no role model.

Manny’s contract has matured to a point where there are suckers, I mean, takers out there who can afford him. Besides the Yankees. First of all, Manny for Tejada is like going to bed with Barbara Streisand and waking up with Barbara Bach. You know, back when she was Daisy Duke hot. Sure, we’ll throw in Clement. And you’d like a happy ending following each game? Done. Shortstop problem solved, Big Papi protected, everyone’s happy.

Filling the defensive spot in left is really not like electing a new Pope, the way the Manny-lovers would have you believe. Here’s a newsflash: there’s a 30-something-foot wall behind you! If you don’t get to actually catch the ball, it will bounce back to you. I don’t know about you, but I spent a lot of time playing “off the wall” as a kid. It really isn’t splitting-an-atom difficult.

I say “Adios, Manny.” As with all of the 25 who brought a World Series to Boston, I will always remember and appreciate what he did to make it happen. But that doesn’t give the guy a lifetime pass to play half-assed. Personally, I don’t have another 85 years left and I would like to see another Series in my lifetime.

For more illogical rants and non-sensical opinions, visit Red and Denton at www.survivinggrady.com