SOX OFFENDERS

By Red & Denton

Now that the Red Sox have finally settled all this “who’s the GM” business, handing the reins to the two-headed beast of Ben Cherington and Jed Hoyer, we figgered it’s as good a time as any to set forth our list of demands for the rest of the off-season, cleverly disguised as a Christmas List. Yeah, that’s right, we said “Christmas.” Come get us, ACLU.

1. A season that actually opens at Fenway. Okay, yeah, this should probably be sent to the powers that be at Major League Baseball. But can we just ask when the last time the Sox actually started a season at home was? I’m not sure I can even remember, although I will admit that I’ve long since lost most of my ability to retain superfluous data due to Jaegermeister consumption. At the very least, there should be a rule that you shouldn’t have to open the season with an away game for two years in a row, and I’m sure that the Sox’ 2006 opener in Texas will mark at least the third straight year they’ve kicked off a season on the road.

2. Sign Miguel Tejada. But keep Manny Ramirez. Here’s how ya do it: Give the Orioles a nice package of prospects and young’uns: Maybe Kelly Shoppach and Manny Delcarmen and Bronson Arroyo. Or throw in Matt Clement and Kevin Youkilis. And Joey Cora for that matter. But the thought of a line-up that features Ramirez, Miggy and Ortiz at its center is unstoppable awesomeness. If you simply can’t get this done, see #3.

3. One Angel: In the infield. Named Orlando Cabrera. The short, yet storied Edgar Renteria era has come to a close. With his parting words, blaming the Fenway infield and his previously unrevealed injuries for his 2005 suckiness, he officially severed ties with the few fans who were giving him the benefit of the doubt. That leaves a gaping hole at shortstop, well, slightly more gaping than when Renteria was there anyway. What better way to fill it than with one of the 25 who helped Red Sox Nation win the championship in 2004? Not to mention Cabrera’s miniscule error total of 7 last season. Edgar would tally up that many during a home stand. And of course, who has cooler handshakes than OC?

4. Keep Kevin Millar. Okay, maybe not as a player. But perhaps something else. A bench coach? Bullpen gadfly? PR man? There’s got to be someway to keep his indefatigable spirit floating through the clubhouse without actually having to give the guy a bat and send him to the plate. Work with me on this.

5. More Kelly the Ballgirl. I think this speaks for itself. Maybe her own pre-game talk show? A seventh-inning stretch where she gets up on the Sox dugout and sings? What about a dance squad made up of Kelly and a few of her college pals? I know I’m stretching here, but anything to avoid further stalking charges.

6. Keep David Wells: I know Boomer wants to leave. But last year, he was our most reliable starter [which is a scary enough thought in and of itself]. He’s also one of the game’s premier “characters,” and outside of that mid-July stretch where he went absolutely batshit – screaming and bumping some umpires, earning a lengthy suspension, then pretty much threatening Bud Selig during a press conference – we really didn’t get the sort of lunacy I’d been hoping for. I think one more season in town and we’ll finally get the “found pantsless at Daisy Buchanan’s” stories we’d been dreaming of since his signing.

7. Seats built for humans. I’m 6’2” and 220 pounds. So trying to wedge my pale, white Irish ass into a grandstand seat at Fenway – seats that were built during an era in which men wore straw hats and spent much of their spare time discussing Grover Cleveland – ain’t no kinda fun. And once I’m finally in said seat, I know I’ll have to drink myself blind to relieve the pain of my knees pressed into the unforgiving wooden seat in front of me. It’s like some sort of medieval torture device, and the fact that I’m paying close to seventy bucks for the opportunity to ensure it still seems bizarre to me. I appreciate the charm, history and “aura” of Fenway Park. But I’d also like to watch a game without having to reinflate my sack every other inning.

8. One Vintage Rocket: You know the one – about 6’4”, 240 pounds? The ageless one is still throwing 95 MPH heaters by major league batters. Like a fine wine, he seems to get better with age. He’s a perennial Cy Young contender who might just have a little unfinished business in Boston. Almost two hundred of his wins took place while wearing a Red Sox uniform. A year or two back in Beantown to end his illustrious career, and he goes into the Hall with a Red Sox cap.

9. The Gift of Youth: Lester, Papelbon, Delcarmen and Hansen can all contribute in 2006. Papelbon is a lock. In 2005 he exhibited his desire to be heir to the “balls of steel” throne currently held by Mr. Schilling. Delcarmen and Hansen got limited big league experience, but they have the stuff to be impact players at some point in the season. And Lester is a fireball-throwing lefty. Do I need to elaborate?

10. One Box of Cereal: The dude’s name is Coco Crisp. Who wouldn’t want him on their team? Let Johnny Rock Star follow in the footsteps of Bernie Williams – growing old and feeble in Yankee Stadium. Damon would be 35 entering the fourth year of his next contract. His speed is gone, his arm was never good, and the nagging injuries from his frequent full-tilt runs into the wall do not bode well for graceful aging. Check out his splits from last year: Before the all-star break he hit .343 with a .386 OBP and a slugging percentage of .473. After the break, he played in just 67 games and his numbers plummeted. Batting average dropped 61 points to .282. OBP was down 43 points to .343, and his slugging percentage took the biggest dive, down 76 points to .397. Durable – yes, invincible – no.

11. One GM: Was Theo really such a great GM that it takes two men to replace him? Is Larry the Steinbrenner-like demon the media is making him out to be? Do Sox fans want guys named “Ben” and “Jed” running the franchise? Does any of this matter, or is Theo the man behind the curtain, the great puppet master, pulling the strings on all of the off-season deals? So many questions, so few answers from the front office. Give us Theo back as GM and put an end to the drama.

12. More of Gisele Bundchen throwing in the first pitch. Hell, make it a nightly event. On the off-chance that she has something better to do, keep a stable of back-ups on-call. Jennifer Garner, Charlize Theron, you get the picture. Maybe mix it up a little with bikini night or girls drink free night? Good, clean fun.