Sox Offenders

By Red & Denton

Just when we were starting to think that Yakov Smirnoff was at the reins of the Red Sox front office, the Josh Beckett trade comes along to make us realize that someone on Yawkey Way maintained a sense of focus throughout all the sturm und drang of the past month. Yes, it is a magnificent trade, and yes, if Beckett can somehow keep himself off the DL – one of his favorite vacation destinations over the past several years – the balance of power in the AL East has shifted our way, at least for now. Hell, the very fact that Beckett has shagged the spectacular Leeann Tweeden is reason enough to love the guy; that he gives us a young stud [at 25, he’s roughly 56 years younger than Curt Schilling] who can anchor our staff for seasons to come is just icing.

Since the trade has been announced, there’s been lots of talk comparing Beckett to Roger Clemens. And, it just so happens, Clemens is once again a free agent. So it doesn’t take an unusually large amount of prodding to get us to start wondering… what if. What if the Sox could somehow lure Clemens back to Boston? What if we went into 2006 with a rotation of Clemens, Schilling, Beckett, Clement and Wakefield?

As Denton and I are prone to debate [why, just last week, our heated “Who’s hotter: Ashlee or Jessica” discussion over Thanksgiving dinner led to gunplay], we decided to examine the Clemens question from both sides. Denton, as you’ll see, is in favor of a Rocket Redux. Myself, well… I have my reservations.

Bring Back the Brawn: Anyone against bringing Roger Clemens back to Boston is, as Rachel Dratch’s SNL character Zazu would say, retahded. The man is a fireball-throwing, ass-kicking baseball legend. The uneducated talk-radio-listening “fans” will espouse the many reasons why Clemens should be tarred and feathered upon setting foot in Boston; they are wrong and I will tell you why.

“He’s a traitor” Was Dwight Evans a traitor? Carleton Fisk? Orlando Cabrera? Why are these former Red Sox players adored while Clemens is vilified? They were all granted free agency and went their separate ways, just like Clemens. Clearly, he was not wanted back by Duquette and company (see “Twilight of his Career” in any dictionary) and was out to get top dollar for himself. Is he considered a traitor because he ended up in pinstripes? First, he was traded to the Yankees. Second, he is not from Boston. The rivalry that exists between Boston and New York is different for the fans than it is for the players. Get over it.

“He was out of shape and sucked during his last four years in Boston” Possibly the dumbest of the Roger-hater theories. The crux of this argument is that he only compiled 40 wins in 4 years. Look beyond the “W” and “L” columns at those years and you’ll see the real story. Clemens averaged 179 K’s in 186 innings over those years with a 3.77 ERA.

• In his injury-plagued (groin, elbow) 1993 season, he gave up just 13 total earned runs in his 11 wins. He also had 2 losses and 2 no-decisions where he gave up less than 3 runs or less.

• In the strike-shortened 1994 season he was in the top three in the American League in ERA, WHIP, hits allowed, strikeouts per 9 innings, and total strikeouts. He had 168 K’s in 170 innings and a 2.85 ERA, yet he only finished with 9 wins. He had 7 losses or no-decisions where he gave up 2 runs or less.

• In 1995 (also a shortened season) his ERA ballooned to 4.18 despite his 132 strikeouts in just 140 innings. In only one of his wins did he give up more than 3 earned runs.

• In 1996, his contract year, Clemens returned to his old form in every category but wins. He was first in strikeouts and strikeouts per 9 innings, fourth in complete games and shutouts.

Now I’m no rocket scientist, but this smells an awful lot like a bad bullpen and no run support. My apologies to anti-Clemens people everywhere for ruining their carefully constructed theory with a few facts.

“He hates Boston” Let’s see…he was ridiculed as being a dumb redneck while he was here (who can forget “The World According to Roger” in the Herald?), then lambasted by the fans and media for being a fat, lazy slob after he left. Even in his best years, he was criticized for not being “a gamer” or a big game pitcher. And he was told by Boston’s GM a full nine seasons before his career-best ERA performance that he was washed up. Feel the love. After he left in ’96, consider the starting rotation and what they accomplished the following year.

Aaron Sele 5.38 ERA, 13W, 12L
Tim Wakefield 4.25 ERA, 12W, 15L
Tom Gordon 3.74 ERA, 6W, 10L
Jeff Suppan 5.69 ERA, 7W, 3L
Steve Avery 6.42 ERA, 6W, 7L

Yup, a Rogerless 78-win team in all its glory.

The bottom line is this: Clemens has nothing to prove to himself, but maybe he has something to prove to Boston. A little unfinished business perhaps? Nobody should care that he played for the Yankees. He was a Red Sox first and it would be pretty cool if he finished his career here. He already has 192 wins as a Red Sox starter, not to mention a couple of 20-strikeout games under his belt. But there is no legend to tarnish. No Dave Roberts steal. No Fisk homerun, not even a Hendu homerun. For Clemens and Boston, the ending was left unwritten. I say let’s finish the story.

Let Roger Stay in Houston: Understand: I loves me some Clemens. Always liked his work ethic. Admired the fact that he never kowtowed to the Shaughnesseys of the world who mocked his bad grammar and general lack of refinement. Even thought he pulled a respectable turn as the angry hick in Kingpin. Would I love to see him in a Boston uni? Yes. But should it happen? No.

The book on Clemens in Boston was an amazing one to be sure. In 1986, the guy was nails; not quite the intimidator he’d become later in his career, but brimming with youthful confidence. When he was on the hill, you weren’t going to get a hit. And if you did, you earned the fucker, so enjoy. You won’t be getting one next time. Curiously, he could never quite conjure any of that piss and vinegar in the playoffs, unless you count his infamous meltdown against umpire Terry Cooney during the 1990 ALCS.

When he left us for the Toronto Blue Jays, it didn’t hurt that much. He was getting paunchy and the wins and strikeouts were slipping. But in his first game back at Fenway, he gave us what for. Showed us his new balls, all brass and polished up. Shut us down but good, with the crowd chanting his name by the fifth inning. And he didn’t miss a chance to give a nod to Dan Duquette in the Sky Box on the way out. We all knew he’d have showed Dan the Man his ass if he could have, but he didn’t need to. His performance proved to us all that the Rocket was back. And then he was gone.

And then he was a Yankee. And, as you can expect, persona non grata in these parts. He received a hearty boo at the All Star Game in Fenway that July, then an epic razzing vs. Pedro in the 1999 ALCS, one of the few times he faltered against us.

Then came 2003, the year he said he’d retire. And during his final regular season performance at Fenway, we welcomed him back into our hearts. A thunderous standing ovation. The Rocket tipping his cap. Grown men pissing their trousers and crying in their beers. It was a fabulous bit of reconciliation, and a nice reminder of just how proud he’d done us before he went all pinstripes on us.

Of course, what we didn’t know then was that we’d be facing Roger in the playoffs just a few weeks later. Suddenly he was an asshole again, standing between our boys and a trip to the World Series, on the mound during the infamous Pedro-tackles-Zimmer debacle. If life was like the movies, it never would have happened, leaving the memory of that standing O in our hearts and minds.

But it did, and it stands as a reminder of how you can’t go back. Come on, do we really want to see Roger duking it out with Shaughnessey and the other local scribes all over again? Want to see the Herald return to printing Roger’s comments verbatim – a lame move the paper pulled back in the day, as if needing to prove to us all that hey, this guy Roger ain’t so smart. Who gives a fuck? The guy can throw inside heat at 100 per and he lives on a 90 acre ranch in Texas with a hottie wife. He’s obviously doing something right. Even worse, what if Roger were to come back and just go tits up? Do we really want our last memory of the guy to be the image of his fortysomething ass getting dragged off the field by Terry Francona?

No, we don’t. The potential cons far outweigh any advantages here. Let’s let the memories stand. You wanna have Roger Clemens Day at Fenway? Fuck, yeah, I’ll get behind that. Even bust out the big foam hand and scream my nuts off. But let’s keep our nostalgia where it belongs.

Of course, everything I’ve said here becomes null and void if we discover that the Yankees are gunning for Roger. Then, hell yeah, we gotta get the man back.

Red & Denton run the half-assed website www.survivinggrady.com. Their book, Surviving Grady: A Diary of Unhealthy Red Sox Obsession During the Greatest Season Ever, makes a swell holiday gift.