Sox Offenders

By Red & Denton

Halloween treats turned to tricks for Red Sox fans. It was reported in the Boston Globe on Sunday that Theo Epstein would sign a three-year contract extension worth 4.5 million dollars. Late in the day on October 31st (the same day Theo’s existing contract was set to expire at midnight) the Herald reported that Theo declined the Red Sox offer and is stepping down as General Manager. One of the main reasons cited was the story in the Boston Globe. According to the Herald’s Michael Silverman, Theo believed the article was written to favor Larry Lucchino, and that the information was probably leaked by Lucchino himself! The Globe’s parent company, the New York Times, owns seventeen percent of the Red Sox. Interesting. And who penned the offending article? None other than the Shank, the Curly-Haired Boyfriend himself, Dan Shaunessy. Instead of Theo having his dream job with enough money to put food on the table, and women of questionable moral fiber between the sheets for a few more years, the boy wonder is gone.

So, the 2005 baseball season is, mercifully, officially over. All I can say is “Thank God and Peter Gammons!” Once the Red Sox were out of the playoffs, we had nobody to root for. Once the Yankees were eliminated, we had nobody to root against. The result was a mind-numbing two weeks of boring baseball and inane commentary by the Fox duo of Buck and McCarver. Seriously, do they have pictures of Bud Selig sans pantalones with a goat? Or maybe in compromising and unnatural positions with that old troll who was in Throw Momma from the Train? There’s gotta be an explanation.

The World Series was the frosting on the shit cake that was the 2005 post season. No bench-clearing brawls, no rabid, steroid-fueled maniacs charging the mound, no fans leaping from the stands to piss their name on the infield dirt. Christ, I would have been happy with Morganna the Kissing Bandit coming out of retirement to plant one on Ozzie Guillen. Well, maybe not. I’m sure gravity and time have not been kind to her.

And just where the hell did the past year go? It seems like not that long ago I was stumbling around some nameless bar giving every female ass I saw a generous open-hand slap in celebration of the Red Sox winning the World Series. Next thing I know, there’s snow falling and the White Sox are world champions. I think I’d better lay off sniffing dry-erase markers for a while.

Now we find ourselves plunged headlong into the Hot Stove waters. As if there wasn’t enough on the “things to do before spring” list, now the front office finds itself without a GM to make the much-needed off-season deals. Granted, the young Epstein got a few black eyes in 2005. Bringing in the likes of Mike Remlinger, Matt Mantei and the two Chads was a far cry from his 2004 success. I won’t even mention the guy that played between third and second.

The first item on the “Good News” page is the signing of Mike Timlin. The Red Sox will definitely benefit from another year of his services. Being one of the few steady arms in the bullpen last season and of course being one of the twenty-five we will never forget, you have to like the signing. And there’s always the possibility of that some brash young punk won’t like Timlin trying to establish the inside of the plate and will go towards the mound to have a little chat with Mike. If Tek doesn’t take him down from behind, it will be Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura all over again. Good times for all.

There are known holes to fill as well as a lot of uncertainties to be addressed. Come, walk with me, we’ll look at this together.

First Base: It looks like it is a choice between Paul Konerko and a cardboard cut-out of George Scott. Olerud and his Magic Helmet will likely retire. Kevin Millar will be throwing down shots and coming up with catchy team slogans elsewhere. There’s always Raffy Palmeiro or Tino Martinez. Of course I’d rather dip my nuts in the garbage disposal than have either one of them in a Red Sox uni, but they are available.

Second Base: The position has been a patchwork since Mark Bellhorn forgot that he was actually expected to swing the wooden thing he was holding and make contact with the white thing that guy was throwing at him. Alex Cora and Tony Graffanino are just not long-term solutions in the Red Sox plans. If Dustin Pedroia is ready, bring him up. Grab a utility infielder to back him up and let the kid show his stuff.

Third Base: Sign Bill Mueller. Please. The guy did win a batting championship a few years ago, and he is a Gold Glove caliber fielder. If that doesn’t happen, Kevin Youkilis will most likely take over. If Mueller signs or the Sox find an adequate replacement, can Youk play first?

Center Field: Johnny Damon is doubtful to return. His eyes are on a long-term, big money contract and his agent is Scott Boras. Not a good combination when you’re dealing with the Red Sox. Not to mention he throws like a girl, will turn 32 this week and has the unusual hobby of running full-speed into center field walls. My vote would be Torii Hunter. Decent all-around player, good speed and bat, and a one-man highlight reel in centerfield. Then there are names lurking in Portland such as Durbin, Moss and Murphy…

Left Field: The recent “I wanna be traded” cries from Manny’s posse have ratcheted up to “trade me or I won’t report to spring training.” Way to raise the stakes, Manny. The words may have been music to the ears in the front office, who would be more than happy to dump the remainder of the albatross contract and spend the money on pitching. Left field might be a little easier to fill than center, but what about the hole in the line-up? Ortiz will have 300 walks if they don’t get a legitimate bat to fill Manny’s spot. See above: Paul Konerko.

Starting Pitching: Having Pedro and Schilling for a one-two punch in 2004 was like the glory days of the Celtics with Bird, McHale and the Chief: we didn’t know how good we had it until we didn’t have it. Looking ahead, there are a lot of question marks in the starting rotation. Curt Schilling, I fear, will never be the nail-spitting, bloodied-sock son-of-a-bitch that he was in 2004. He’ll still be a loud-mouthed SOB, but he’s pushing 40, had major surgery, and has pretty much accomplished everything a baseball player could accomplish. Will he ever be an ace again?

David Wells wants out. The Red Sox are very likely to comply with the cake-lover.

Matt Clement? Get a good April and May out of him and trade him.

The only guys we can look at and say with any confidence that we know what we’ll get out of them are Arroyo and Wakefield. And of course, Jon Papelbon. He alone is good reason to start planning for the 2006 playoffs.

Bullpen: We’ve got Mike Timlin locked up. And we have...uh…how about…damn! What a mess. Keith Foulke has been a whiny little bitch since he got here. Nothing can take away what he did in the 2004 playoffs. He should have been MVP of the World Series. But last year was a new experience in frustration for Red Sox fans every time he pitched and every time he opened his mouth. Time to go. Wouldn’t Billy Wagner look fetching in a Red Sox uniform?

And what about Craig Hansen? He didn’t look quite ready to jump into the closer role last year, but I’ll take a cocky young reliever that throws 97 in any inning Francona wants to use him. And Manny Delcarmen is another guy to look forward to. He had some control problems, but the stuff is there and he should be ready to contribute.

As it stands today, this team could go either way. Dump payroll, let the kids play and call it a rebuilding year. Or fill in the gaps with major league talent and try to win another World Series. Either way, every seat in Fenway will be filled, talk radio phones lines will be jammed, and Theo Epstein will not be a member of the Red Sox.