Sox Offenders

If we’re not talking about Red Sox around here, we’re probably shitfaced or talking about hot chicks we have no shot at. Otherwise, we’re probably crapping on the Yankees. And to prove all is right in the world, the Baseball Gods have bestowed upon us a gift. That gift is the news that A-Rod tested positive for banned substances in 2003. Anybody not looking at the world through pinstriped glasses had to suspect him, but now it’s confirmed and we couldn’t be happier. So, in preparation for some vigorous Yankee-hating this season, let’s take a look at what a douche A-Rod is since becoming a Yankee.

July 2004 - Face, Meet Glove: When A-Rod got plunked by Bronson Arroyo, he probably should have quietly taken his base. Instead, he ended up jawing at Tek, who promptly applied leather to the blue-lipped Yankee, igniting a bench-clearing brawl. The Sox went on to win the game in dramatic fashion, going on a huge run to get back into the playoff race and set up a showdown with the Yankees in October. The picture of Tek shoving the mitt in A-Rod’s face became the icon of the 2004 championship season.

2004 ALCS - The Birth of Slappy: On his way to hitting .258 in the ALCS, A-Rod turned desperate in Game 6. About to be tagged out running to first, A-Rod opted to slap the ball out of Bronson Arroyo’s (Arroyo again!) glove in an attempt to cause an error. It was ruled interference and sparked a winter-long campaign of Photo shopping the picture of A-Rod’s slap. That series marked the beginning of A-Rod’s post-season chokes, which continues to this day.

May 2007 – Mine!: In a move that would push the limits of bush-league to new heights, A-Rod played the starring role. With two outs in a game against Toronto, Posada hit a routine, infield pop-up to Howie Clark. Just as Clark was about to make the catch, A-Rod (who was running towards third) yelled “Mine!” Clark thought teammate McDonald made the call and pulled off to let him make the catch. The ball dropped to the ground and everyone was safe. Tempers flared but there is no rule against being an asshole, so the play stood. A-Rod later claimed he yelled “Ha!”…cause that makes sense?

May 2007 - Stripper-Gate: Not a good month for the Rod. Rodriguez is seen frolicking with a blonde stripper in Toronto, the same stripper he was spotted with a few weeks earlier in Vegas. So begins the Joslyn Morse affair. Another stripper is quoted as saying A-Rod likes “the she-male, muscular type,” once again putting his sexual preference in question. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. When the Yankees come to town in early June, hundreds of Sox fans showed up wearing blonde-woman masks. A-Rod goes 0-2 with a strikeout.

July 2008 – Material Girl: The highest paid player in the game who could probably have just about any woman he wanted…and he picked Madonna. About 20 years late to that party. I can’t even go on with this one.

February 2009 – The Juicer: The man who was going to save the homerun record from the stain of Barry Bonds is now “one of them.” The so-called confidential results of the 2003 drug tests became not-so-confidential when A-Rod was named as testing positive (possibly ratted out by other players). A-Rod admitted to using something, though he was sufficiently vague and played the “everyone was doing it, I was naïve” card. I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to protect him from a rejuvenated chorus of boos and insults at every away venue. Probably at home too, when he starts sucking.

Gotta love the rivalry.

Join Red and Denton during the 2009 season at www.survivinggrady.com.