Sox Offenders

While the so-called “hot stove” is still warm, we’re tired of waiting for Manny to be signed and we’re boldly going where no man has gone…yet. No, this has nothing to do with previously unexplored parts of Pamela Anderson’s anatomy (if there are any left); we’re talking predictions, Junior, AL East predictions. Our notes from last season seem to have been misplaced, but I’m sure we were pretty much dead on, and will be again this year. So mark it down, call your bookie, hang it on the fridge under your SpongeBob magnet, whatever. Just remember you heard it here first.

BostonRed Sox (99-63) – Yeah, yeah, we’re homers, right? Wrong. We’re well-versed baseball aficionados who know a championship team when we see one. The Red Sox won 95 games with a one-handed Papi, a wounded Mikey Lowell, a half-crazed Manny, a not-right Josh Beckett (in this case physically, we know he’s not quite right in the head all the time), not to mention end-of-lifers Mike Timlin and Jason Varitek.

They have added strength in the bullpen, a low-risk, high-reward Brad Penny to the rotation and their young arms are a year older and more experienced. The healthy return of Lowell and Ortiz are better than any free agent acquisition. All that’s left is to grab a catcher, hopefully trading away Lugo to make it happen, and we’ve got ourselves a division title.

New YorkYankees (99-63) – Spending six trillion dollars on a few free agents should at least get you second place, right. We’re going with the Sox to win the division based on the head-to-head tiebreaker. Pretty ballsy, but that’s how we roll. The Yankee formula of trying to buy a World Series has not worked in a while. Not this entire century, as a matter of fact. While they went off the charts, even by their own standards, this year isn’t going to work either.

They have a bunch of over-paid mercenaries combined with a bunch of unproven youngsters. After consulting with several sports psychologists, we agree that there can be no consistency, no cohesive team unit. Sure, they will win 99 games, but what team of all-stars couldn’t? They’re like the fucking Harlem Globetrotters of baseball, except they won’t win when it counts. Oh, and we really didn’t talked to any psychologists, but we think they’d agree.

TorontoBlue Jays (86–76) – What can we say about this team that hasn’t been said every year? They start every spring as the media darlings, showered in accolades about how improved the team is and if only they didn’t have those injuries last year. Then they suck again, and get injured again. You can set your fucking watch by it. This off-season they lost Burnett and signed…nobody. Third place, enjoy it.

TampaBayRays (80-82)– Can you say “fluke?” This team had a bunch of scrappy young guys and a couple of scrappy veterans that met in the perfect storm of a baseball season. They were fun, exciting, and came up clutch when needed. Well, until the World Series, that is. They were never really as good as they looked or as their record showed. It was a summer-long magic show, all smoke and mirrors. By May, we’ll be proven correct. 

BaltimoreOrioles (65–96) - They should really consider bringing Cal Ripken out of retirement. It might be the only thing to get more Oriole fans than visiting team fans in the stadium. This team sucks, top-to-bottom. They sucked last year, and what have they done in the off-season? Gotten worse. Daniel Cabrera is gone, replaced by Mark Hendrickson. They lost Ramon Hernandez and have no catcher. “Cowboy Up” Kevin Millar hasn’t signed, nor has Jay Payton. To the basement again, O’s.

There you have it, sports fans. They’ll still play the season out, but you’ll have the upper hand ‘cause now you know how it finishes. We’ll still be here, talking shit, making stuff up, screwing around the way we have been for years. But this shit, this is like Nostradamus shit, it’s a lock.

Breaking news, Red and Denton have their own website: www.survivinggrady.com.