Sox Offenders

Any time you hear the beautiful words “the Yankees are ten games back” you have to think the Red Sox are running away with the American League East Division. Not so in the brave new bizarre world of 2008. On September 15^th, the Tampa Rays cling to a one-game lead over the Sox. Equally strange is the Yankees are in fourth place looking up the ass of the Toronto Blue Jays. Maybe next year they’ll take the “Blue” out of their name, it worked for the Rays. But I digress, 2008 has not been your typical season for the Sox. Let’s review. 

Domo Arigato

The Red Sox did not open the season in Fenway, or North America for that matter. They opened in Japan, as the league attempts to “expand the market” by fucking over a couple of teams to start the year. There was speculation that the trip would be a detriment to the Red Sox (nobody really considered the impact to the A’s, cuz, you know, they suck). The travel didn’t seem to bother the Red Sox at all (as the Yankees claimed it did in 2004 when they played in Japan and spent most of April as a .500 team). Nevertheless, playing official games in Japan, then playing Spring Training games, then traveling back to Oakland, then to Toronto before coming home was certainly not your average April.

Mannyless in August

No dead grandmothers, barking hammies or Pharyngitis. This was the real end of the line for the Manny era in Boston: the trading deadline move. After a tumultuous mid-season, even by Manny standards, Theo finally pulled the trigger and sent Manny packing. While Jason Bay has been no slouch, and the Sox have seemed to play better as a team, Manny has raked in LA, helping the Dodgers take over the division. All he’s done in 41 games is hit .385 with 14 homers and 41 RBI. He also stole a couple of bases just for the hell of it.

MVPedroia

Rookie of the Year? Sure. But batting champ and possible MVP of the league? Impossible. Or so we thought. But here we are in September and the little guy with the big swing is leading the AL in batting average (.327), hits (200) and runs (113). He has also hit 17 homers, stole 17 bases and made just six errors at second base. No sophomore slump for this guy.

No Bullpen for Old Men

Make plans now to attend the Mike Timlin Retirement Party. Boston fans will always love this guy for his contributions to the 2004 World Series and everything he’s done for the team, but the guy is cooked. He still swaggers out to the mound oozing confidence. He still looks in for the sign with the expression of a man contemplating not what pitch he’s going to throw but what gruesome method he’s going to employ to dismember the batter. But then he throws the pitch. That’s when you know it’s over. His 6.09 ERA and 1.63 WHIP should keep him off the postseason roster and free up plenty of time for fishing and hunting.

Curiously, No George

Love him or hate him, and I think you know where I stand on that, George Steinbrenner was a Yankee icon, if not a baseball icon. While the rivalry between the Red Sox and Yankees thrive, it’s certainly a different dynamic without King George. Other then the “Weekend at Bernie’s” lap around the park he did in the golf cart during the All Star Game, George has been non-existent. Thankfully, sonny Hank has stepped in. He’s like a little George, minus the class and the brains. And the winning. He opens his mouth and stupidity flows, fueling Red Sox Nation.

Clutch-Rod

Perhaps the biggest anomaly this season is the emergence of A-Rod as a clutch hitter. JUST KIDDING! He still puts up the gaudy season numbers, but his splits tell the real story. He’s hitting .246 with runners in scoring position and two outs and .143 in the late-inning press with runners on, and .200 in extra innings. All that for a mere 28 million dollars!

Two weeks left to go, and it’s on. I can’t help but predict a Division win for the Sox, setting up a potential 7-game showdown with the Angels. But what do I know; I bought a Beta VCR and predicted the Internet would go the way of the CB radio.

When not in protective custody, Red and Denton can be found at www.survivinggrady.com.