Sox Offenders

 We are just tearing through the 2008 season like a fat kid at free cupcake night. June is already sweeping up, getting ready to shut down in favor of July. That means mid-season and the All Star break. Seems like we were just watching the Sox in Japan. Oh well. It’s been an interesting ride so far, and things should really heat up in the AL East once the trading deadline gets closer. This brings us to our point…or all five of them.

Are the Rays for real?

OK, it was nice back in May when the Rays were in first for a while. It was like seeing the middle school nerd make a nice catch during a kickball game. You feel good for him for a few minutes, then he’s getting hung up by his underwear and the world is back to normal. But it’s late June, and the Rays are still hanging around. This isn’t cute anymore. In fact, it’s getting pretty fucking annoying. They are just a game-and-a-half behind the Sox and playing like major leaguers. Granted, the Sox gave them all swirlies and stuffed them in their lockers when they came to Boston, so I guess we shouldn’t worry too much.

Were the Sox wrong for not letting Schilling have surgery last winter?

Ever since I heard Schill’s doctor on WEEI, I knew there was about as much chance of him coming back without surgery as there was for me to smooth talk Julie Quinn out of her skintight Jordache jeans back in high school. Just wasn’t happening. And if someone with my limited intelligence and poor decision-making capabilities could see it, why couldn’t Dr. Gill and the Red Sox? It’s a mystery, much like that giant chunk of shit Tito chews on during every game. 

Who gets fired first: Cashman or Girardi?

Seriously, it’s June and the Yankees are clinging to third place, just six games over .500. And if it wasn’t for Giambi and his steroid-powered mustache, they’d be looking up at Baltimore. Two of the three in the holy trinity of young arms that simply couldn’t be given up – even in return for the services of Johan Santana - are spending a leisurely summer on the DL. Hughes and Kennedy are both sidelined with…rib injuries? There’s a joke in there somewhere. Joba looks like he might just be for real. But without him as a set-up guy, Farnsworth and the rest of the bullpen just can’t get the lead to the ninth for Rivera. I think Cashman goes before the trading deadline.

Who goes down first in the next Sox-Rays series?
How this became such a violent rivalry, I’ll never know. But as the guy who firmly believes there should be fights in all sports – golf, horse-racing, water polo, whatever – I love it. Some of the most entertaining brawls in the game have been between these two teams. The latest round saw Coco Crisp – who upped his street cred in Boston to near Izzy Alcantara levels – charge the mound, avoid a haymaker with some ninja-like moves, then start swinging. When the piles were cleared Coco got the worst of it at the bottom. So what does he do? Calls the Rays a “bunch of girls” for scratching him and pulling his hair. And like Papelbon said, this ain’t over. My money – and yes there are Vegas lines on this – is on batter one, Iwamura, to take one up high and start the fray next week.

How long will Cito Gaston last as Blue Jays’ manager?
I honestly thought this was a joke when I heard it. Gaston hasn’t managed since 1997 when the Blue Jays fired him. Is he going to be the Canadian version of Billy Martin? All of the pre-season hype had this team competing. The familiar “if they stay healthy” mantra always thrown in as a qualifier. But we knew better – they suck. Like, a lot. So the team decides to show just how desperate they are by pretending it’s 1992 again. If Gaston hasn’t quit by August 1, part of his deal must include banging the hot beer girl that works behind home plate.

There you have it. Five mysteries of life to ponder over a 30-pack and a stack of skin mags. Use these topics to spark a nice bar fight or to piss off your boss at work. They are gifts for you to use as you see fit. Next time around, we’ll be giving you our mid-season report cards and seeing how our pre-season predictions are looking. Also, we’ll have the wrap-up of the Sox-Rays battle and the Fourth of July series versus the once-competitive Yankees. Bet you can’t wait?

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