Sox Offenders

The next time you read this segment, we’ll be talking about real, honest-to-Barnum-and-Bailey regular season baseball. No more “Mayor’s Cup” or split squad games or 2-inning starts for the pitchers or batters you’ve never heard of. So let’s take a moment to review some of the highlights of the spring.

Yankees versus Rays Brawl

As I’ve said countless times, there should be more fighting in every sport. Baseball, basketball, golf, chess…whatever. Fights make good entertainment. The NHL has lasted this long for a reason. Fisticuffs in spring training is just plain awesome. What gives you more of a regular season feel than a little melee?  

So when Shelley Duncan tried to perform a little do-it-yourself vasectomy to Tampa second baseman Akinori Iwamura and the benches cleared, I was pleased. Not only did it make for some pre-season amusement, it gave Red Sox fans a new villain. Shelley Duncan is an A-hole – not because he wears pinstripes – just because he is. He said he would retaliate and he did. Granted it was in the pussiest way possible, spikes-up into the smallest player on the Rays, but he did retaliate. And he very quickly became the poster child for Yankee hateration. And “his” name is Shelley. Perfect.

Bonds Unemployed

This came a year too late, but it looks like Steroid King Barry Bonds may not have a uniform to don this year. Tony LaRussa was interested, but ownership shut him down. The only real possibility is an AL team hurting for a big bat to DH and a serious lack of respect for the game. Stranger things have happened, I mean, George Lopez still has a career. But for Bonds, the next uniform you see him in might be an orange jumpsuit. He’ll be resting that giant fucking head on a prison-issue pillow if there is any justice.

The Red Sox Visit to The White House

It doesn't matter who wins the World Series this year, the Red Sox should still be invited back to the White House. Seriously, who would you rather see stuffed into a sidecar; Jason Giambi, Prince Fielder, or our own Big Papi? Do you think McCain or Obama or Hill will thank anyone on the Rockies for wearing pants? And just imagine if Hilary Clinton gets elected - that means Beckett, Papelbon and Pedroia will be partying with Bill Clinton. Ladies and gentlemen, protect your daughters.

Hank Steinbrenner being a Douchebag

This guy is a menace to everyone, including the Yankees. He has already taken shots at Joe Torre, the Red Sox and Jon Papelbon. Some psychologist is gonna have a field day with Hank and his "I'll never be as good as dad" inadequacies. Until then, Red Sox fans have the daily pleasure of seeing make a pinstriped ass of himself.

Kevin Millar being Kevin Millar

Of all the ex-Sox, Kevin Millar is my favorite. Which makes no sense, since I couldn't stand him when he was actually on the team. Don't get me wrong, A-Gon, O-Cab and of course Dave Roberts, will always have a special place in my heart. But El Bencho...it's different. Because he makes no bones about the fact that he wishes he was still on the team. So after I take in all things Red Sox, I sneak over to the Baltimore Sun to see what Mr. Cowboy Up has been doing. One day I was lucky enough to stumble on this:

Kevin Millar is driving a pickup truck that's roughly the size of
Cincinnati.

There's no doubt that it belongs to him - unless somebody else is
plastering COWBOY UP and ONE FIVE all over their ride.

Friggin’ lunatic. The same guy that mocked the Ray Lewis dance AND grabbed Tek’s ass, and lived to tell about it. That's Kevin being Kevin 

That’s it. As far as I’m concerned, spring training is in the books. Next stop: Japan. Next Tuesday at 6:05 AM, Red and I will be on our 4th or 5th Saki ringing in the new season. Care to join us?  

Until parole is violated, you can catch more of this daily at www.survivinggrady.com.