SOX OFFENDERS

March came in like a lion, dumping snow mercilessly in the New England area. But still we talk baseball, ‘cause it’s what we do. In a few short weeks, the real games begin. The Red Sox/Yankees rivalry is already in mid-season form with Hank Steinbrenner firing a shot across the bow and John Henry laughing it off by making Hank an honorary member of Red Sox Nation. Good times, good times. Soon enough we’ll be drooling over the AL East standings daily, figuring out magic numbers and planning the Blue Jays elimination party. Here’s how we see things working out.

5^th Place: Baltimore Orioles

The O’s won the division back in 1997. Since then, they’ve finished fourth every year with the exception of 2004, when they vaulted into third place with 78 wins. This is the year they finally give up their stronghold on fourth and drop into the basement. Their best pitcher in 2007, Erik Bedard, is now taking the hill in Seattle. Their big-name crowd-draw from 2007, Miggy Tejada, will swing the lumber in Houston this season. That leaves…well…former Red Sox team clown Kevin Millar as the superstar for the Orioles. Good luck with that. Short of bringing back Cal Ripken or sponsoring blow-job night for Baltimore residents in the stands, the O’s will be the away team most nights in their home park.  

4^th Place: Tampa Bay Rays

The artists formerly known as the Devil Rays have been a perennial fifth place team since their beginning. Their one claim to fame was a fourth place finish in 2004 when the Blue Jays tanked. For several years they have been an entertaining team to watch, featuring a lot of young talent and speed on the bases. Thanks to the Orioles doing whatever it is they are doing in Baltimore, this is the year the Rays break back into fourth. With Joe Maddon, a Junior Soprano look-alike at the helm, the kids better play well. Kazmir is one of the best starters out there, and the position players are young and hungry. Another year of lively ball in Tampa will put the O’s in last and maybe, just maybe, put a little pressure on the Jays.

3^rd Place: Toronto Blue Jays

The annual “if they stay healthy, they can compete” talk has already begun. This year, the experts are throwing in “it’s the best Blue Jays team assembled in years.” Let me end this bullshit today: the Blue Jays will finish third. Again. And probably not a very close third. The Red Sox and Yankees are both locked and loaded for another dogfight in the AL East. The Jays, quite simply, are not ready to jump into the fray. And the addition of Shannon Stewart hardly increases their chances. They’ve got a decent punch at 3-4-5 with Rios, Thomas and Wells. And they have a couple of solid starters and a top-notch closer, but they just don’t have the surrounding talent to pull off an AL East upset. But they still have the hottest beer girls behind home plate, which is nice. 

2^nd Place: New York Yankees

Once again, the AL East champs and AL Wildcard teams will be the Red Sox and Yankees, in that order. The Yankees are putting a lot of stock in their young pitchers. Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes will have to show a lot of mental toughness to live up to expectations in a championship-starved Yankee Stadium. Veteran starters Mike Mussina, Andy “HGH” Pettitte and Chien-Ming Wang will have to play better than they did last year to help the cause. Carl “American Idle” Pavano and Kei Igawa were just disasters in pinstripes. The Yanks will rely on their offense, much like 2007, to bail out some poor pitching. A-Rod, Giambi, Jeter, Abreu and Posada anchor a very powerful line-up. The division should be up for grabs until late September, maybe even coming down to a head-to-head series with the Red Sox late in the final month.

1^st Place: Boston Red Sox

 Yeah, sure, call me a homer. But trust me; this is the result of a lot of intense research and stat-crunching. And the fact that I’m a homer. Honestly, if Schilling were healthy, I don’t even think the race would be close. But losing a number two is tough for any team, and the Red Sox will also be putting a lot of hope, and the pressure that goes along with it, on young starters. Clay “no-hitter” Buchholz and Jon Lester will likely be four and five in the rotation until (if?) Schilling returns. If Bartlolo Colon can shed a quick hundred pounds and get down to the “mildly obese” weight range, he might add some value, but don’t count on it. The siren song of Wendy’s and Papa Gino’s will prove too much. The line-up looks strong with a good mix of returning veterans and up-and-coming young talent. Lowell, Manny, Big Papi and Tek are sure to put up consistent numbers. Last season’s Rookie of the Year Dustin Pedroia and this season’s Rookie of the Year Jacoby Ellsbury; add the spark the team needs. Terry Francona has proven himself to be a strong leader and a good in-game strategist. And don’t forget the secret weapon Jon Papelbon. This team is as loose, cocky and talented as an out there. And they are hungry for a repeat.

There you go, clear, concise, educated predictions. When history proves us correct at the end of the season, we will accept all accolades and gifts. If something goes awry and we are completely dead-ass wrong, we’ll just claim it was the booze talking when we wrote this nonsense. Either way, baseball is back, and for that we rejoice. 

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