Sox Offenders

It wasn’t so long ago that Red Sox Nation was sitting back puffing on a cigar, the proud papa of a double-digit lead in the AL East. It was to be a stress-free summer ride to the play-offs, glancing up from mundane tasks like organizing the sock drawer to see which player just ripped a base-loaded triple off of a frayed opposing pitcher. Sitting back as your girl fed you grapes and Corona while dressed in full Cat-woman costume, listening to Don and Jerry clown on some drunk ass-monkey in the stands who fell asleep with his pants undone. But those days are gone, and we are now back on full alert, battle gear ready, and kegs of Maalox standing by.

How did the bubble burst? The Red Sox still hold the best record in baseball, have starting pitching that is both unrivaled and nearly un-hittable at times, and still have guys named Ortiz and Ramirez swinging bats. Well Junior, kick back, grab a cold one, and we’ll explain it all to you.

Eric Gagne: On paper this looked like pure genius, the final piece of the pitching puzzle. A superstar closer pitching set-up, with Okajima and Delcarmen around to mow down batters in the seventh, hell, the sixth if need be. Who could predict Gagne was taking the Acela Express to Sucksville? Frenchie is responsible for the lead being four instead of seven. Three blown saves, and not one-run chances either, two or three run take-it-up-the-ass blown saves for EG. Unless it’s a five-run game in either direction, the guy’s ass better be stapled firmly to the bench.

J.D. Drew: This could go down as the worst free agent signing in history. The so-called “five tool” player seems to have misplaced his toolbox, because Boston hasn’t seen any of them. He’s got six homeruns, just one more than part-timers Eric Hinske and Doug Mirabelli. He’s got 45 RBI, just a handful more than Dustin Pedroia who stands all of five-foot-nothing. He’s batting a weak .265, has two steals and is playing average defense with a couple of nut-busting errors. To top it off, he rides the pine against lefties. I think we had a guy in right field who did all of that for a fraction of the cost. And when he gets up in a key situation – see Sunday’s bottom of the ninth, two out - and leaves the bat on his shoulder while strike three goes passing by, he walks back to the dugout like a guy walking to the bus stop. The intangible sixth tool – his heart – has to come into question.

The Yankees: We’ve said it all along, the Yanks have no pitching. And they still don’t, but man, have their bats come alive. They are on a 28-11 blitzkrieg since the break and show no signs of slowing down. For a while it was the offense beating up on Tampa Bay and Kansas City, but recent series against Detroit and Cleveland show they mean business. And the Red Sox are actually – you may want to sit down for this – planning the rotation for next week’s showdown. It will be the big three: Beckett, Dice-K and Schill taking the hill in the Bronx next week.

Terry Francona: I hate to say it since I’ve been praising the guy all season, but his decisions over the past couple of weeks have cost the team games. Big games. In the recent Angels series, he pitched Papelbon with a four-run lead and a five-run lead. He pinch-hit JD (see above) for a guy that had two hits on the day. Most frustrating is his insistence on resting multiple players, usually on a day when either a weaker pitcher is going – like Tavarez or Bucholtz – and he’ll need all the runs he can get. Or on a day when Wake is in, with Mirabelli already wasting an at-bat every trip through the order, he’ll rest Lugo or Pedroia when Wake needs the ground ball defense the most. We’re watching you Tito. The 2003 ALCS still burns, you know. We don’t need another Grady moment.

There you go, sports fans, written out slowly in nice bite-size pieces for you. Nothing like a trip down to Tampa to get things back on track, though. By the time you read the next Sox Offender piece, I’m calling for the lead to be double-digits once again, and this little bump in the road will be like as forgotten as that night with Laura Danbury in the back of your dad’s Pacer.

For more erroneous predictions and inconsistent narrative, go to www.survivinggrady.com