Sox Offenders

This is a little bit out of character for us, but with a 7-game lead in the AL East over those Yankee pant-loads, we decided to mix it up a little. So for this issue, you get no topic, no debates, and no list of best or worst anything. Just a free-form, stream-of-consciousness, rambling collection of nonsensical thoughts that may or may not be related to the Red Sox or baseball in general. OK, maybe not so different than every other issue.

The state of pitching in Boston is approaching the “no fair” zone. Beckett has 14 wins, Dice-K 13 and even Timmy Wake has 13. Now we’ve got the Schill coming off the DL in a sort of trading deadline pick-up. Oh, and if Papelbon as closer wasn’t enough, now we’ve got Eric Gagne as a set-up guy. This is like Pamela-Anderson-stacked.

Glenn Geffner must go. The guy must have pictures of John Henry dressed up as Goliath and being serviced by a harem of midgets to still have a job. Granted the Trupiano “way back!” was getting a little old when the ball ended up being caught by the shortstop, but at least the guy brought some talent with him. Geffner blathers on about nothing while shitting out stats at a rate that even puts Castig to sleep. Simulcast Remy and Orsillo and save us all the trouble of having TV and radio on at the same time.

Does anyone, anywhere (south of Canada) give half a shit about hockey?

Modern-day baseball players have to bring back the look that made the baseball players of the past so cool. Look at Eck, still rocking the 1978-issue mullet. Even Remy still sports the pseudo-porn-star ‘stache. Too many guys go for the standard goatee – where’s the fun in that? What’s wrong with a nice handlebar mustache or the old Fu Manchu? Of course those Nazi robots in pinstripes can’t participate, but that’s OK. Would anyone want to see A-Rods purple lips glowing behind any sort of facial hair? Jeter is excluded, being genetically unable to actually grow anything on his face. And we’ve all seen what Damon would do.

I need Monster seats for a game this season. Preferably free ones.

Baseball needs to incorporate the magic of the scantily-clad woman into the game. Basketball and football have cheerleaders; it just seems fair that baseball fans should be treated to a little skin. Dancers on the top of the dugouts? An all-female grounds crew to rake the field in team-sanctioned thongs? Slip’n’slide antics on the tarp during rain delays by the all-Swedish lingerie team? Am I the only one that thinks these ideas are brilliant?

Remember when the Milwaukee Brewers were in the AL East?

Finally, I think Red and I should throw our hats in the ring as candidates for co-presidents of Red Sox Nation. With the Barstool Sports Empire behind us, we are a shoe in. Then we can finally bring Red’s vision of free beer and handjob night to Fenway. Not to mention some of the aforementioned schemes to get more barely-dressed chicks at the games. And we would be fair and just leaders, looking out for the common man. At least the ones that have Sox tickets for us.

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