SOX OFFENDERS

At first glance, everything looks all sunshine and rainbows in Red Sox Nation. The Sox hold the best record in baseball and enjoy a ten game lead over the sub-.500 Yankees. The team is healthy for the most part, and the schedule ahead is pretty soft. The only thing missing is free beer and hand-job day at Fenway. But Red and I, we peel away the pretty outer layer of this team and find things aren’t really as they seem.

The Red Sox record since the end of May is a craptastic 17-18. For those of you mathematically challenged, that’s less than .500, kinda like the Yankees’ record. Our “lead-off” hitter has been relegated to the 9-hole and is batting a buck-ninety-seven, and our 70-million-dollar right fielder/five-hitter has just six home runs and 33 RBI. Oh, and some guy named Curt Schilling is on the DL with “no timetable” for his return.

All that being said, get your head out of the oven and open the garage doors to air out the exhaust fumes, things aren’t that bad. Students of the game that we are, Red and I have compiled a list of things we need to see in the second half to get this team deep into October. We are patiently awaiting Theo and Tito’s response.

Power Surge from the Weapons of Mass Destruction: Without question, the team’s offense is built around Ortiz and Manny. Ironically, they are also part of the reason the Sox are being dragged down by Lugo and Drew. Lugo was brought in to get on base ahead of the two, and Drew was brought in to insure they’d see some decent pitches. So much for that plan. But the bottom line remains the same: these guys need to start hitting the ball out of the park and driving in runs. We need to return to the land of bat flips, long-ball watching, and slow jogs around the bases. Since joining the team, Ortiz has averaged 43 homers and 131 RBI in each of his four seasons. This year he’s on pace for 27 and 102. Manny in his six seasons has averaged 39 and 117. He is on pace for 21 and 88. If Drew can’t get it going, it may be time to swap Manny and Ortiz and put Lowell batting fifth. Or maybe try a little Vegas-style motivation with hookers and stuff.

Julio Lugo to become reacquainted with the bases: The shortstop situation has been an absolute clusterfuck since the start of 2005. We’ve already seen the Sox eat a good part of the Renteria contract only to see him thrive in the National League. Theo’s man-love for Edgah brought him to Boston and we all paid dearly for it. Alex Gonzalez came in and saved the day, giving us perhaps the greatest defensive season in the history of baseball. And he’s shown the door, thanks for playing, pick up your complimentary Ted Williams bobble-head on the way out. Enter Julio Lugo, another object of Theo’s affection, and we’re right back into a Renteria-like mess at short. He’s already gone through a 0-for-33 slump and has a lower OBP than Wily Mo Pena. The guy simply has got to get on base. ‘Cause when he does, he can make things happen. To the tune of 22 steals so far. How about a giant elbow pad that hangs over the plate so he can get by a few pitches? Or maybe the hookers again.

The (Healthy) Return of the Man with the Bloody Sock: If we’re playing baseball in October, we better have old 38 taking the hill. Seriously, is there anyone you’d rather hand the ball to in a playoff game? As Red has pointed out in the past, a bit too often for my liking thank-you-very-much, the man has balls of steel. He asked the doctor’s to literally sew his friggin’ ankle together so he could pitch in 2004. Twice! All to bring a World Series home for you and me. Whether you love him or hate him for all of his off-field gaming-blogging-talking-preaching-whatever, you’ve gotta want him toeing the rubber in October.

J.D. Drew needs to do…Anything: This guy has been invisible. I can’t believe the Fenway fans have been so patient, but I guess a double-digit lead calms the savage beast. If the division race were close, you can be sure he’s be hearing the calls for Trot every night in the Fens. Drew has had no impact whatsoever in the success of the team. He’s been serviceable in right but a gaping black hole at the plate. Where are the 20-plus homeruns? Where is the .500 slugging? If there’s one thing the Sox need, it’s a few key hits. Remember we had the worst 5-hole hitter in the game last year? Drew was the answer to that. Scary.

Coco Crisp must play like the June/July Coco: Because the April/May version sucked. Crisp hit under .230 to start the season and had one home run. Questions about his finger injury lingered, and questions about his overall ability began to arise. Then we flipped the calendar to June, and suddenly it was Coco Beware. He’s hitting well over .300 in his past 31 games and hit four homers in that stretch. And the guy can run, so his OBP climbing means more stolen bases and more havoc for the opposing team when he is on base. We like that. The one thing he’s done all year is play stellar defense. He flashes the leather with reckless abandon in center – a one-man highlight reel. And we like that, too.

Couldn’t be simpler, could it? It’s hard to believe the Sox have a 10-game lead considering these five problems. Thankfully, guys like Youk and Lowell (the magic beard twins) have helped carry the offense. As has Pedroia, and when he’s old enough, he might just grow a beard, too. But the real story has been pitching. Starters, the set-up guys and the closer have all been nails. Bring on the second half, the trading deadline, the dog days and the stretch run. It’s all a warm-up for October.

Visit Red and Denton at www.survivinggrady.com for your daily dose of…whatever they’re selling