SOX OFFENDERS

Red Sox Nation in late June of 2007 is starting to look a bit like Utopia. The good guys have a double-digit lead in the AL East and fans are sitting back in their hammocks lighting their cigars with over-priced Yankee contracts while Baywatch beauties rub their feet and fan them with palm leaves. It’s pretty freakin’ sweet. Me? I’m enjoying it. But there are others (aren’t there always?) who just can’t leave shit alone. These are the people that decided Twinkies weren’t perfect and decided chocolate Twinkies would be a good idea. These same jerk-offs thought Shelley Hack would make a good Charlie’s Angel. Now they want to screw with our team. I say hell no! The ’07 club is built for ass-kicking and the farm system has live arms and top-prospect position players stacked up like cordwood. So hands off, bitches, the best moves of this year will be the ones not made.

Don’t Bring up Jon Lester: Before I am inundated with more-than-usual amounts of hate-mail and death-threats, let me make one thing clear – I want Jon Lester as a long-term fixture in the Red Sox starting rotation. Just not right now. The old “don’t fix what ain’t broke” axiom works perfectly here. While Wakefield and Tavares are a far cry from Schill and Beckett, you know what you’re getting with them. Wake will give you the “every other” pattern – a gem followed by a shitfest. And Tavares will give you six innings of entertaining shenanigans. Yeah, I just said shenanigans. Lester was good last season, but he Houdinied himself out of a lot of bad scenes. His time will come, whether by a starter going down this year or as a member of the ’08 rotation. No need to upset the beer cart before then.

Don’t Trade Manny: Sweet Mother of Tituba, do we really have to go through this every year? Trade away 30 homers and 120 RBI because the guy wears do-rags and doesn’t run out a ground ball that he might reach base on one out of every ten thousand times? Friggin’ brilliant. Then tell me about how you’re gonna replace the run production. Yeah, you can get two guys for the price of Manny that combine to give you the numbers, but last time I checked, you can only field nine guys in a game! Please, let the guy sell his grills and piss behind the Green Monster and listen to his iPod. If that’s the price to pay for watching him flip his bat and admire a 450-foot home run thirty times every year, I’ll take it.

Don’t Get Mark Buehrle: One word – why? Have we learned nothing from the past mistakes of trading away prospects for a half-season rental? The minors are filthy with young arms that could carry this team for years at short money. Buehrle is going to be looking for JD Drew money to stay beyond ’07. The guy has a 6-plus career ERA against the Yankees – how does that help next year if we pony up the dough to re-sign him. This has Larry Anderson for Jeff Bagwell written all over it. Stay the fuck away from it.

Before the trading deadline, it’s only gonna get worse. The talk-radio weenies will be calling up asking why the Sox don’t trade Coco Crisp for Torii Hunter straight up or package Lugo, Mirabelli and Drew for Johan Santana. It’s inevitable, like death, taxes and the rejection letters from Hazel Mae. And when I say rejection letters I really mean restraining orders.

You really have to go back to 2004 to find a great Red Sox deadline trade. Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkiewicz for Nomar and Matt Murton. And on the very same day – Dave Roberts for Henri Stanley. Fucking genius. I can say with extreme confidence we would be on 89 years and counting if not for those moves. After that, 2005 brought us the Tony Graffanino for outfielder Chip Ambres and left-hander Juan Cedeno blockbuster. Finally, while standing pat in 2006 backfired in catastrophic proportions, it doesn’t make it the wrong move in 2007. The 25 we have plus the reserves in the minors are the real deal. October baseball will prove me correct.

When not under house arrest, Red and Denton can be found at www.survivinggrady.com