Sox Offenders

It happens every year. From the minute the baseball season ends in the fall, we start speculating about next year. The trades, the signings, the rookies coming up from the farm system, and all of the potential that goes with each of them. We spend hours of our work day - at the water cooler, in the kitchenette by the coffee machine, hiding in the stock room – arguing about next year. Voices are raised, faces redden, punches are thrown, and still nothing is decided until the boys begin the season. Then, like Christmas Day, it’s all over. Nothing left but a bunch of crumpled wrapping paper and a bunch of junk you don’t really want. And more often than not, everything you argued so passionately about was dead wrong and you look like a jackass. Again. So Red and I are here today to settle the arguments. And as always, we too look like jackasses.

Biggest Bangs:

Kevin Youkilis - I’ve gotta admit, I though Youk was going to be the biggest let down since prom night. I expected a Peyton Manning commercial where Peyton’s walking with Kev, arm across his shoulder, saying “they’re not saying Yooouuuk, they’re saying boooooo!” It’s one occasion I’m happy to look like a fool. Youk has been nothing short of outstanding both at the plate and with the glove. Now, the big-goateed one is even getting a little ornery, ready to charge the mound if necessary. And that’s what we like to see.

Hideki Okajima - Like most of Boston, I thought the only reason Theo went after this guy was so Dice-K would have someone to eat Sushi and watch porn with. This is reason number 17,438 why Theo is GM and I’m sitting in my Mom’s basement writing this. Okajima has been the key guy in the ‘pen, particularly with Paplebon on his wussified schedule. I’ll refrain from rattling off his stats. No I won’t – his ERA is barely over one, batters are hitting a buck-fifty-five off him, and he’s got almost a strikeout per inning. But just watch him pitch – his stuff is filthy and he is unfazed by any hitter. And of course, Dice-K loves hanging out to eat Sushi and watch porn with him.

Mike Lowell - Am I the only one in Boston NOT surprised by Mikey Doubles? Did people NOT see what he did last year? The guy is a pro – he plays like one and acts like one off the field. And anyone that takes out a Yankee like he did to Robinson Cano, well give that man an Orange Whip, he’s OK by me. Seriously, while the rest of the world was griping about how weak the bottom of the order was, Lowell was just going out, doing his job, and being the consistent hitter and fielder he was last year. Tied for the team lead in homers, leading in RBI, batting over .300 and slugging percentage is second only to Big Papi. And he leads the majors in most Yankees taken out this season with two – Cano and Dougie Ball-hog. Not bad for a Josh Beckett throw-in.

Julian Tavarez - Playfully nicknamed “Batshit” over at www.survivinggrady.com because of his random acts of weirdness, Tavarez has been a very serviceable 5^th starter. JT knows he is merely a placeholder until Jon Lester is ready, but he has taken on the role zealously and is a source of great entertainment. From his air-traffic-controller-on-crack antics every time a ground ball is hit, to his Big Papi shoes, the guy is just plain fun. And there’s always the thinly-veiled threat of violence that he emits that makes every start a must-see.

Biggest Busts (insert Hazel Mae reference here):

Coco Crisp - If you’re looking for that A-hole who just wouldn’t stop talking about how Coco would turn it around, look no further, I’m right here. I guess I just wanted this guy to succeed to wash away Boston’s memory of Johnny Damon. Crisp looks good on paper and in commercials, but Christ; don’t put a bat in his hands. His defense has been spectacular and may be the only thing keeping him in the line-up at this point. Coco’s gotta be hearing footsteps from the minors.

Julio Lugo - The swinging door at the shortstop position will continue this off-season. How I long for the days of O-Cab and A-Gon! Renteria was a disaster but this year’s shortstop-du-jour is even worse. Touted for his range and “just a notch below Alex Gonzalez” defensively, the guy has been a mess at short. His most recent flub-up cost Schill a perfect game. And at the plate? He’s the new rally-killer. He’s one more 0-for-4 away from .200, and Julian Tavarez has a higher OBP. Cora? Pokey? Anybody???

J.D. Drew - Where do I even begin? The astronomical price tag? The horrendous batting average? The lack of power? If he doesn’t turn things around, he is going to be a long-term albatross – kinda like that Matt Clement guy that still pulls a check signed by John Henry every month. It’s mid-June and he doubled his home run total in a single game! He went 0-for-May in the long ball stats. We worried about him being able to stay healthy, now it’s almost to the point where we start hoping for an injury.

Sure, we could go on. There’s always room for a little Wily Mo bashing, or lamenting how Dr. Charles continues to ignore my Hazel Mae versus Tina Cervasio hot oil wrestling match idea. Or how Alyssa Milano should join Don and Jerry in the booth every night modeling her new line of clothes. But we must take our leave. There’s porn to download and, uh, yeah that’s about it.

Red and Denton can be found daily – and sometimes sober – at www.survivinggrady.com