SOX OFFENDERS

The Red Sox are the proud owner of the best record in the majors at 26-11. They hold an 8-and-a-half-game lead over the New York Yankees, a 9-game lead over the surprising Orioles and double-digit leads over Toronto and Tampa Bay. In short, life is good. It’s all sunny days, cold beer and conjugal visits from Rachel McAdams. But we are Red Sox Nation. We need to let off a little steam even when things are good. Some of us tip over Mini Coopers, some of us paint our asses red and drive around mooning cars with Yankee bumper stickers and some of us put thumb tacks on our co-workers’ chairs. Remember, that’s when things are going good. Me? I’ll just jot down my thoughts. All that other stuff? Yeah, I just heard about it from other people.

The Mouth That Roared: Curt Schilling needs to pour himself a nice frosty mug of SHUT THE FUCK UP! It’s to the point where even Terry Francona thinks so. Schilling came out and called Bonds a cheater – not only at the game of baseball – but cheating on his wife and his taxes. Personally, I think Schill was probably right on all three accounts, but it didn’t sit too well with Tito. Francona spoke out, basically saying Schilling needs to keep his mouth shut about certain things, particularly when he (Francona) is the one that will have to face the media and “clean up the mess.” Schilling came out a day later with a verbose apology, blathering on about Jesus and perfection. I had stopped listening long before it got to that point. My biggest problem with the whole thing: Where was Schilling’s conviction on the steroid matter when he was in front of the Grand Jury? Quiet as a church mouse that day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Schilling fan – for about three hours every fifth day. Curt, just shut up and pitch.

Rising Suns: All spring long, we waited. We learned how to say “strike out” and “thank you” and “Yankees suck” in Japanese. We bought our shirts. We learned to love again the number 18. It was all in preparation for Dice-K Matsuzaka, the hundred-million-dollar-man. And it was worth it. Dice just tossed a 6-hit, complete-game shutout against the 2006 American League champs, upping his record to 5-2 and lowering his ERA to 4.17. With the exception of a few starts where he was plagued with the “one crappy inning” syndrome, Dice-K has been as advertised. What we didn’t expect when we were sampling Saki and taking Japanese lessons is that we would have more than one pitcher to toast. The surprise of the season has to be Hideki Okajima. The guy has been almost unhittable since giving up a home run on his first pitch of the season. Okajima has allowed no runs and just three hits since his first outing, while striking out 20 in 17 innings. He even earned a save in a one-run game against the Yankees when Papelbon was unavailable. Domo arigato.

All Things Lowell: Remember when the Boston media was obsessed with “the bottom of the order?” Remember they included Mike Lowell as a potential hole in the line-up? Let’s talk. Lowell is currently batting .313 with 7 home runs and 30 RBI. This is a guy who was a throw-in so we could get Josh Beckett. Stats aside, Lowell is just a good guy. He plays the game with an old-school traditionalism that is rapidly disappearing. And he looks like GI Joe with King Fu grip, which is pretty freakin’ cool.

Everybody Loves RemDawg:Granted, everything seems a little brighter when the team is winning. But you’ve gotta give some love to Remy and D.O. for the job they’re doing this season. It’s only May, and you could fill a highlight reel with the material they’ve put out already. The fan that needed “manscaping” was a memorable fit of hysterics as Remy busted out the telestrator to point out the areas that the hairy fan might consider grooming. The pizza-throwing incident is well documented and an instant classic. They could make a mini-series about it and I’d laugh just as hard every time. The Manny head-rubbing clinic cannot be described in words. I’m fairly sure Orsillo had to get dry undies when all was said and done. And the most recent paper airplane assault on the Rogers Center completes the early-season antics of note. When they put out the “Best of Remy 2007” DVD, I’ll be first in line.

This team is one to be watched. I don’t mean when Golden Girls isn’t on or when Lost is onto reruns. I mean every inning of every game. Right through October. The Mother’s Day, 6-runs-in-the-ninth comeback should be all you need to understand why. We’ve got something special going, kinda 2004ish. Don’t be “that guy” who missed it.

For more nonsense and drunken babble, tune into www.survivinggrady.com daily.