SOX OFFENDERS
Red Sox Rotation: Smokin’ Aces
In years past, the Sox have relied heavily on the power of the bat to win games. Guys like Dewey, Jim Ed and Yaz, now Manny and Papi have literally thrown the rest of the team on their backs at times and carried them the through hell and high water that is poor pitching. Remember names like Frank Castillo and Chuck Rainey? And even if the starters did OK, guys like Calvin Shiraldi and – it puckers my ass just to say the name – Heathcliff Slocum would be there to screw it up at the end. This year, it’s all about the pitching. And what a staff Theo and the boys have assembled.
Curt Schilling
He is the self-proclaimed ace of the staff, and other than a rough opening day start, he’s been silencing critics and batters alike. Schill sits at 3-1 with a 3.27 ERA and 23 K’s, not a bad April. The Sockgate controversy created by Gary Thorne proved not only that Thorne is an ass munch of the worst kind, but will undoubtedly give Schill a little boost in motivation – as if he needed that. Schill was already pitching for a contract and to back up his claim that he’s still the ace of the Red Sox, but Thorne certainly added fuel to the fire. Schill-Dog put up a million bucks to anyone that can prove it isn’t really his blood on the Hall of Fame sock from the 2004 ALCS. It all went away rather quietly and Thorne escaped the beat down from Mirabelli I was hoping to see, but I’m guessing it’s still on Curt’s mind, much like the dollar amount of next year’s contract.
Josh Beckett
No blisters, no losses. A perfect 5-0 in April with an ERA under 2-and-a-half. That’s nails. Nobody brings the game face, or the heat, like Beckett. There is no way this season passes without Beckett beaning someone in the ass and challenging him to come visit the mound for a little “sit down.” He’s got that look in his eyes, the one you love to see when the guy’s on your team. He wants to win at any cost, even if he has to hurt you or feel up your sister to get it done. Of course even the craziest of Red Sox fans don’t think he’s going to win 30 games, but what about 20? If Beckett can keep fooling hitters with the curve ball and not relying on the fastball, he’ll be a Cy Young candidate.
Daisuke Matsuzaka
The 100-million-dollar-man. Perhaps the biggest phenom to toe the rubber for the Sox since the glory days of Pedro. Every game is an event, and so far, he’s lived up to most of the hype. Sure, there were a few crazies in the media and the fandom thinking Dice-K was going to win every start and never give up a run because of the mythical Gyro-ball. But us rational fans, we know better. We know he’s not going to go all Crouching Tiger on the mound, but we’ll take what he gives us. And so far, that is a 3-2 record with a 4.36 ERA and a lofty 38 K’s in just 33 innings. Considering two of his starts were against a powerful Yankee line-up – both of which he won – the 4+ ERA isn’t so bad.
Tim Wakefield
What is there to say about Wake that hasn’t already been said? He is the elder statesman of the team in terms of his Red Sox tenure and he’s a guy that has proven he’ll do anything for the good of the team. This year, his role is 4th starter, and how much ass does it kick to have a guy like Wake as your 4th starter? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Wake has been plagued, as he has so often in the past, by a glaring lack of run support. It’s almost like the guys figure “hey, Wake’s pitching; we don’t have to score much to win this one.” So they spend the evening looking for hot chicks in the crowd or ogling the Toronto beer girls. Timmy is 2-3 with a 2.59 ERA. In his three losses, he’s given up a total of seven runs. Time for Wake to put cleat-to-ass for a few of these guys and get himself some runs.
Julian Tavares/Jon Lester
Julian Tavares – batshit as he is so affectionately known in these parts – is your prototypical 5th starter. If there’s a chance to skip him in the rotation, Francona will do just that. But when he does pitch, he’ll give you his best, scuffle through five innings, and leave the rest up to the bullpen. That is, if he doesn’t kill anyone first. Tavares has been known to “run a little hot,” and instigate a little violence on occasion. Just ask Joey Gaithright if you want more details. The good news? Batshit is really just a placeholder. The real 5th starter, and what will be the feel-good story of the year, is Jon Lester. Lester has been doing rehab starts in the minors since coming back from an off-season bout with cancer. Yup, the big C, and he beat it. Do you think he’s going to have any problems getting hitters out after puttin’ the boots to cancer? Whatever he ends up doing on the field, Lester will be an inspiration to everyone.
Those are the guys that will carry us to the promised land. With a little help from their friends in the bullpen – but that’s a story for another day.
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