SOX OFFENDERS

The beginning of a new baseball season is a time of renewal; past sins and victories are wiped off the slate, and we can all imagine a world in which the Baltimore Orioles might win 90 games or Tim McCarver will finally embark on a vow of silence. For Red Sox fans, it's also a time to start compiling lists of the stuff that's gonna keep us tethered to a vodka IV over the next six months. To give everyone a head start, Denton and I put pen to paper.

Who's the closer?

Let's just get right to two-ton elephant that's been staring us all in the face since Christmas. No matter how many ways you wanna analyze the 2007 Red Sox, the fact remains that they've got no one slotted for the closing role. And that's not a good way to head into the season. There are plenty of suspects, but none of them have instilled any confidence throughout spring training. Personally, I like Tavarez, simply for the fact that he's been in the closing role before, and off all the possibilities, he's the only one who gives you that batshit, "holy Christ, he might bite somebody" intimidation factor. But the lingering memory of Tavarez is that homerun he gave up to Bellhorn in game one of the 2004 World Series -- one of the most critical stopper situations of his career. And his tendency to headhunt and/or punch telephones when he's feelin' the pressure doesn't bode well, especially since closing for the Boston Red Sox is probably the third most stressful job in the world, right behind Commander in Chief of the United States of America and the husband who has to orally satisfy Roseanne Barr.

Will the defense rest?

Last season was a visual treat. The only action on the infield I would have preferred to see over A-Gon playing shortstop involves 15 college co-eds and 400 gallons of baby oil. But that’s not happening and A-Gon is…gone. As is his double-play partner Mark Loretta. Now, we’ve got Julio Lugo and Dustin Pedroia anchoring the middle of the infield. There is no question this is a downgrade - we will probably never see a shortstop in a Red Sox uni do with a glove what A-Gon did. A downgrade is OK, Edgah!: The Sequel…not OK. The starters look strong but we can’t have the defense giving away extra outs and making anyone throw extra pitches. Just. Can’t. We’re not askin’ for perfection, just steady performance. And from Lugo, very accurate throws to second, not a very big target over there.

Is this line-up going to score any runs?

Of course, they're gonna score runs, but how many? And if there are bullpen questions, will it ever be enough? We know that Manny and Ortiz will do their thing, but can we rely on any production from the other bats? J.D. Drew looks like an excellent addition on paper, but history reveals a tendency for DL vacations. Last year, we got far more from Mike Lowell than we thought we'd get; but can he pull a repeat performance? And the same can be asked about Kevin Youkilis. Will Julio Lugo be the leadoff hitter we thought we'd be getting with Coco Crisp? And will Crisp ever get things going and improve on last year's dismal numbers? How about Dustin Pedroia; the guy's showed us nothing with the bat all spring... will the hits start coming once the season starts? If anything, it all underscores the importance of a healthy David Ortiz. To the point that we might want to fit him for a Kevlar suit for walking around the house.

Where is Kelly Barons?

We all love the Red Sox. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t. And I wouldn’t be writing it. But let’s face it, 162 games is a lot of time spent looking at strapping young men in tight sweaty clothes. Us guys, we need a little sumthin sumthin too. Red describes his affection for Hazel and Tina below. I mean below in this article perv. But me, I like the in-game distraction of Kelly-the-ball-girl. She looks good in her Red Sox get-up, always has a smile for the crowd or the camera, AND she can field. I’d prefer her flashing leather of a different variety, but I’ll take what I can get. Kelly graduates from BU this year, is she beyond being a ball girl? Why does Denton know this, you ask? The restraining order explains everything.

What if Daisuke Matsuzaka goes tits-up?

If spring training counts for anything, we know that everyone's favorite Japanese export since schoolgirl porno isn't infallible. But that's just the thing; spring training doesn't count. And we really don't know if the guy's turned it on yet, or just doesn't want to show his hand before the season starts. Sure, there's still some question as to whether or not he can be as dominant in the MLB as he was in Japan, where "performance enhancing drugs" means an extra handful of rice before a game. But you don't get to be the MVP of the World Baseball Classic by sucking large amounts of ass, so we must give him the benefit of the doubt. And if he truly comes as advertised, it can only translate into across-the-board game raising from the likes of Schilling, Beckett and Wakefield.

Will Manny be in Boston after July?

Hey, why wait ‘til the last minute for the next Manny-wants-out controversy? You know it’s coming, I know it’s coming, Manny…well, he might be the only one that doesn’t know it’s coming. But it is. Forget the whole “at peace” story, nothing but a PR load of bullcrap. At peace today, Theo is the anti-christ tomorrow. It changes like the tides for Manny. Vegas is laying 5-2 odds that he demands a trade, the over-under is Memorial Day. Here’s what I’ve said all along, and I’ll continue to say it: do not trade Manny. I’m not real good at math, but there is no way you replace his production. No way. And papi with no Manny? It will just never be the same. Like when the Stooges replaced Curly with Shemp. Know what I mean?

Is Tina Cervasio hotter than Hazel Mae?

Understand: My lust for Hazel knows no boundaries; she had me at that bit on EEI where she mentioned that she was wearing a celebratory thong. Tina's mostly flown under the radar; like Hazel's bookish roommate who kinda comes and goes while you're there trying to scam on The Haze. But this spring, Tina C's really amped it up, quietly becoming the hottest thing on NESN since Eck's 'stache. Is it a new hairstyle? Dental work? Padded bra? I can't quite put my finger on it, but the battle for my heart has most definitely begun. Ladies, start your engines.

Red & Denton put forth more garbage each day at www.survivinggrady.com .