Sox Offenders

In just a couple weeks, pitchers and catchers report, heralding the start of the 2007 pre-season. And, before you know it, we'll be back in the full swing, throwing beer bottles off the wall, screaming at our flatscreens and taking the name of Tim Wakefield in vain. To keep us all in check and make sure we know precisely who we'll be yelling at, Denton & I present this handy position-by-position guide to the 2007 team.

Catcher: Jason Varitek

Tek is the captain of the team. We know this, because he wears a big-ass "C" on his jersey. He's also one of the first guys out on the field in case of a donnybrook, which is another thing we look for in a leader. But you wouldn't know it from the numbers he put up last year. In an injury-shortened season, Tek hit a puny .238 with 12 home runs (10 more than Bronson Arroyo). And in clutch situations, he looked less like a confident hitter and more like some dude playing the role of Ned Beatty in a dinner theatre performance of Deliverance. There wasn't a rally or good vibe he couldn't kill. So what can we expect this year? If the man stays healthy, I don't think a .277 average and 20 home runs are out of the question. But if he comes up lame for any stretch, then we're back in Mirabelli Land. And you know what that means: free hornet enemas for everyone.

First Base: Kevin Youkilis

 I feel like I’m alone in this, but I fear we’re in for a huge Youk let-down. Sure, he held his own at the plate last year and did treat us to some pretty flashy defense, but I just can’t help feeling the guy is the next Brian Daubach – minus being a scab and Roberto Hernandez’s bitch that is. He gets the love from the fans Lou-Merloni-style, but maybe it’s just cuz they can chant “Youk” the way they used to chant “Lou?” If the Sox played 162 games at Fenway, where Youk uses the Monster as good as anyone, he’d be fine. But his numbers drop on the road as fast as Suzie Kronin’s knickers after three beers on a Friday night. This could be the weak spot in the offense - I hope I’m wrong. I’ll take the fat OBP and a bunch of wall-ball doubles along with a solid glove at first. Anything else is gravy. And man, do I miss Suzie.

Second Base: Dustin Pedroia

This is the gamble of the year for Theo and crew. Starting a season with a middle-infielder who has 31 games on his Major League resume is the baseball equivalent of a blind date. You might hit the jackpot and get the rare Alyssa Milano look-alike with a sex addiction, but you’re a helluva a lot more likely to get the girl that looks like Mimi on Drew Carey. Just the way it is. If you’re a glass-half-full kinda guy, Dusty has to do better than his 31 game sub-Mendoza performance of ’06. And there is certainly a Dunkin Munchkin commercial being filmed as we speak. But this could also be the worst second base era since Mike Lansing stunk it up in 2000 and 2001. Christ, even Rey Sanchez managed to hit .286 in 2002. Pedroia has had good numbers in the minors; let’s hope he can make the adjustment. For an end-of-the-lineup guy, .270 and a decent OBP work for me.

Shortstop: Julio Lugo

Here's my theory: Anyone who follows Star Trek -- and it's quite possible I've just lost half our readership with those five words -- knows that when it comes to the feature films in this franchise's extensive canon, the even-numbered flicks are the best. The first one, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, was pure horseshit, although it did feature the hottest bald chick since Sinead O'Connor. Star Trek 2, on the other hand, was unquestionably awesome. Star Trek 3 was crap, but Star Trek 4 was arguably the best of 'em all. Star Trek 5 was directed by Shatner -- 'nuff said -- but Star Trek 6 -- featuring Kim Cattrall! -- was smashtastic. Star Trek: Generations (which we'll call Star Trek 7 to suit our purposes) was like a lethal injection of torpor, but Star Trek 8 was brilliant (and my personal favorite). Star Trek 9 was abhorrent, but Star Trek 10, despite the fact that me and my cousin Flynnie are the only people on Earth who've seen it, was a nice return to form. Over the past couple years, you could almost say the same thing about the Sox' situation at shortstop. In 2004, an even-numbered year, we had Nomar and then we had Cabby. All things considered, a good year to be a Red Sox fan. In 2005, an odd-numbered year, we had Edgah, which seemed like a good idea at the time, but quickly evolved into one of the worst pick-ups of the New World Order. Then, in 2006, an even-numbered year, shit got right when we signed A-Gon: a splendid glove and a bat that actually flirted with .290 once or twice throughout the season. So now we come to 2007, which kicks off what we will hopefully someday look back upon fondly as "the Julio Lugo Era." And I have a weird feeling that it's gonna be more The Voyage Home than The Search for Spock.

Third Base: Mike Lowell

Last year, Lowell was the dude we had to take in order to sign Josh Beckett. By the end of the season, it seemed the other way around. Lowell played above and beyond our expectations, all while sporting the best salt-and-pepper beard since the talking G.I. Joe figures of the late 70s. I have little doubt that all that negative press that preceded him gave him a bit of added incentive. But where does he find his inspiration this year? The fact that we’re all expecting a drop-off in production? Or that Theo tried to move him to Colorado for Todd Helton? Or that Hazel Mae is this close to inviting him to partake in a threesome with her and Mish Michaels if he can somehow hit over .300? Sure, that last one’s made up, but I say any means necessary when it comes to winning the AL east.

Designated Hitter: David Ortiz

Big Papi. What can I say that hasn’t already been said? The guy is the poster child for all that is good about the game of baseball. He plays hard, plays to win, comes up big in the clutch consistently, and always has a smile for the fans. Ortiz is as close to a sure thing as there is in the game. And there is no reason to think that his numbers won’t get even better than last year if he stays healthy, and the sluggers around him stay healthy. I’ll pencil him in for a .320 average with 50 HR’s, 140 RBI and 50 doubles. Throw in a run at the Triple Crown and the MVP that has eluded him for two seasons, and some post-season magic.

Right Field: JD Drew

Let’s get right to it: why the fuck is this guy called “JD” Drew when his name is David Jonathan Drew? Strike one as far as I’m concerned. Strike two is him collecting eleven-fucking-million dollars to hit .240 against lefties. Didn’t we already have that guy in right? For a few wheelbarrows-o-cash less than what Drew is getting? The guy has got a lot to prove in a Red Sox uniform, starting in April and finishing in October. Any time on the DL (or is that LD in Drew-speak?) and strike three, have a seat, thanks for playing. Anything less than a .300 season with 25 HR’s and 100 RBI and Drew will be hearing it from the right field grandstands.

Center Field: Coco Crisp

If there’s one player on the Sox’ roster primed for a comeback year, it’s Coco. The dude showed up here to fill Johnny Damon’s shoes – a pretty tall fucking order, if you ask me, especially when you ain’t bringing us no Mrs. Damon – and while he seemed to want to live up to expectations, he never really recovered from the finger injury that kicked off his season. Dropping him down in the order won’t hurt, and we’ll be so focused on how J.D. Drew adapts that Coco will have plenty of room to get his shit straight. Unless he runs afoul of some hoods from Southie, I can’t see him not hitting at least .280.

Left Field: Manny Ramirez

On a team loaded with question marks and “what ifs,” Manny is one of our sure things. We can count on him for a dozen nervous breakdowns, two “hey, where’d my pants go?” moments in the outfield, at least one self-imposed trip to the DL, endless mugging for the NESN cameras, plenty of grab-ass with Ortiz and Lugo, 40 home runs, 150 hits, 120 RBIs and about a .315 average. And I’m fine with that.

Find more of Red & Denton’s uninformed commentary at www.survivinggrady.com.