Sox Offenders

Life may begin on opening day, but it really kicks into overdrive the day after the World Series. That’s when the off-season officially starts up and the rumors start flyin’. So far, however, the 2006 off-season –save for a few big splashes – has been relatively tame, especially when compared to the A-Rod, Schilling and Damon deals of off-seasons past. But though the quantity might not be there, the quality certainly is. So we figured we’d weed through some of the moves completed thus far and put the spotlight on what we – in our alcohol-addled brains – consider to be the best.

ERIC GAGNE TO TEXAS: 152 saves in three seasons. An average ERA of 1.75 over that time period. And a strikeout to walk ratio of almost 7:1. A one-year, six million dollar contract may be the best gamble off this off-season. Not to mention the dude rocks vintage Rick Vaughn glasses on the mound. Sure, the past couple of seasons have been lost to injuries. But if this guy bounces back to eighty percent of where he was in his prime, a lot of GM’s are going to kick their own arses for letting this guy slip past.

DAISUKE MATSUZAKA TO THE RED SOX: Not to be a Homer, but this has to be considered one of the best off-season deals simply because it is an absolute no-brainer moneymaker for the Sox. Even if Matsuzaka goes, say, 11-14 in his virgin MLB season, the Sox will have made their investment back about ten times over in merchandising and commercial sponsorships across the Japanese market. They’ll have angry fans outside their Yawkey Way offices with pitchforks and torches, but they will have made their money back. However, if Daisuke plays as good as he looks on paper; we’ll have a young, talented workhorse to serve as the centerpiece of our rotation once Schilling’s gone in 2008. And if just a fraction of his badness of ass rubs off on Josh Beckett, we’ll all be better for it.

BIG HURT TO TORONTO: Frank Thomas can hit a baseball. A long way. He didn’t age very gracefully, and was plagued by injuries for so long; people thought he was all done. Then he goes to Oakland and puts up monster numbers, earning him a two-year, twelve-million-dollar deal in the Great White North. Is it a coincidence he was rejuvenated in the same locker room where guys like Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, and Jason Giambi once shot up…I mean suited up? I think not. Regardless, he adds a big bat in the middle of an already potent Toronto line-up.

KEITH FOULKE TO THE INDIANS: Myself, I was sad to see Keith Foulke go. Because even though every fiber of my being is convinced that his knees are shot and he basically blew out everything he had helping us seal up the 2004 World Series, there’s a tiny voice in the back of my mind that wonders if, in the far less intense Cleveland scene, he could rediscover his mojo. For the Injuns themselves, though, this is a great deal. They’re only committed to one year at five million, which is one mill more than what we’re paying Joel Pineiro, who comes with far less accolades than Foulkie. If Keith sucks it, they’re only out short money. But if he somehow manages to make my darkest dream come true and turns it around, he’ll be the story – and the bargain – of the year.

ALFONSO SORIANO TO THE CUBBIES: 136 million dollars. Say it. Out loud. I’m no math major, but that’s a shitload of cash. For the next eight years, an armored car will be pulling up to a swanky penthouse in Chicago, and wheelbarrows full of Benjamins will be delivered to the home of Mr. Soriano. In return, the Cubbies will receive about 250 home runs, 800 RBI, and 300 stolen bases. Oh, and about 160 errors, no extra charge.   

BIG UNIT TO ARIZONA: The Sox landed Curt Schilling from the Diamondbacks in 2003 with one basic objective in mind: winning a World Series. When the Yanks signed Randy Johnson, the other half of the Diamondbacks’ 2001 World Series MVP machine, in 2005, they had the same target in sight. But from the first moment he touched down in the Apple and started knocking over photographers and growling through that ass-ugly mug of his, the Unit did nothing but rain barrels of urine on everyone’s good time. He didn’t just suck, he was a cantankerous, miserable, damaged, whining prick who sucked – a most deadly combination when you’ve gotta bend over and take your medicine from the NYC media every fifth day. Getting rid of him for a couple bags of charcoal briquettes and a strawberry-scented douche would have been a fantastic deal for the Yankees. The fact that they actually managed to wangle some prospects and Luis Vizcaino from Arizona is unstoppably righteous.

ALEX GONZALEZ TO THE REDS: Yeah, I’m a homer too. How the Red Sox let this kid run through the revolving door’o’shortstops in Boston is a mystery. Nomar, Orlando Cabrera, Edgar Renteria, A-Gon, and now Julio Lugo. All of this action since 2004? Well, Cincinnati will be the beneficiary of Theo Epstein’s obsession with Lugo. Gonzalez plays shortstop like no one I’ve ever seen. He is quick, graceful, athletic and accurate. He gets to more balls than Jeter in P-Town. For three years, 14 million, he is the steal of the off-season and will have the Reds’ pitchers praising his name by mid-season.

That’s it folks. Worst signings, you ask? Barry Bonds and Barry Zito. Both overpaid, one the most notorious, cheating A-hole in the game. Screw the Giants. Catch more of this nonsense daily at www.survivinggrady.com. Until the cease and desist orders, anyway.