SOX OFFENDERS

My grandfather used to tell me, "You can never have too many women, and you can never have too much pitching." Gramps knew his shit. The 2006 Red Sox thought they had a pitching surplus, so they traded away Bronson Arroyo, only to spend the next couple months watching Wily Mo Pena play grab-ass with himself in right field while half our pitching staff sat on the DL. Having learned from their mistake -- hopefully -- Theo and the Trio have spent most of the off-season stocking up on as much pitching they can get their paws on, including Brendon Donnelly, Hideki Okajima, JC Romero, and Runelvys Hernandez. But the weight of the season will obviously fall on the starters, so in advance of our annual Christmas-to-New-Year's-Day Schlitz binge, Denton and I decided to sit down and discuss the pros and cons of the Sox' 2007 rotation.

Jon Papelbon:The young gun. Best closer in baseball last year. Had a shot at Rookie of the Year until he shut it down with an injury. The same injury that prompted the move out of the ‘pen and into the rotation. Remember, it was May 3^rd before he gave up an earned run and June 26^th when he gave up his second. The kid can pitch.

Pros:Youth. Like Beckett, he’s just 26 years old. Only one season in the bigs but he’s proven his stones already. He’s got great stuff and he’s got a guy named Curt Schilling around to teach him a few tricks. And he’s got a look in his eye that wants only one thing: victory. He looks at home on the mound regardless of the venue, opposition, or situation.

Cons:Youth. Yeah, it can be both good and bad. Sometimes the brass balls get bigger than the brain and guys like Papelbon think they can do it all. Without a little help from your friends, that can be the attitude that lands you on the DL with a seriously fucked up shoulder. You think you can throw the cheese just a leetle faster, next thing you know your arm’s halfway to the plate and your season’s over.

Verdict:Papelbon seems to have the skill and brains to succeed as a closer or as a starter. He’s got guys like Timlin and Schill and Wakefield around, any of who will kick his ass if he does something stupid. So he’ll be fine. Would you want Timlin dressed in camo and wearing war paint coming after your ass with a crossbow? Neither does Paps. We’ll pencil him in for 15 wins. Unless the Sox don’t find another closer, then we’ll put him down for 40 saves. And we’ll do that in pen.

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Daisuke Matsuzaka: Like any good hooker, Daisukemania has gripped this town by the balls before he's even thrown one single pitch in the Major Leagues. And that's just the thing: even though he's revered in Japan, we really don't know how he'll fare when faced with half a million screaming drunks at Yankee Stadium. But the tenacity with which the front office pursued him leads us to believe he's the real deal. We hope.

Pros:He's young, poised, and is no stranger to a media frenzy, something he'll have to live with 24/7 once he shows up in Florida for spring training. He's proven himself on the global stage as the MVP of baseball's World Classic. He's got that nutty "gyro-ball" and the hot wife he'll be bringing over with him can't possibly hurt the cause.

Cons:His inexperience in the MLB cannot be overstated; former Devil Ray Alex Cabrera was a home run champion in Japan, which kinda tells you something about the pitching over there. If AL batters get wise to the gyro-ball by, say, June 1, it could be a long summer. The amount of dough floated into D-Mat's bank account likely won't win him that long a grace period from the fans. Mrs. Damon was actually a bit hotter than Mrs. Matsuzaka.

Verdict:We’ll go out on a limb and predict an 18-6 season for Matsuzaka-san. Not bad, but not as show-stoppingly awesome as we’re all hoping.

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Josh Beckett:Forget 2006. This guy was the fucking 2003 World Series Most Valuable Player. They don’t just hand out those things like Jesus Juice at the Neverland Ranch you know. Don’t burn your Beckett jerseys just yet, this guy deserves another look.

Pros:Beckett is 26 years old, throws heat and has a nasty curve. When he takes the mound he looks like he’d just as soon kick batters in the softies and feel up their lady friends as he would strike them out. Did I mention the 2003 World Series MVP? Isn’t that enough?

Cons:Josh Patrick struggled mightily in the 2006 season. His welcome to the American League was a 5+ ERA and a 1.29 WHIP. His 16 wins were a little, how shall we say, deceiving. And that was without the notorious blister problems of seasons past. He also showed those Lowe-like signs of folding up when something went wrong – like not getting a call or a rare error behind him. It is possible that he is one of those NL-only kinda guys.

Verdict:It’s a hung jury on this one folks. All we can do is wait out the 2007 season. If I was the betting type, meaning if I hadn’t lost all my disposable income betting on football, I’d put it on Beckett to bounce back. The kid’s just got too much fire in his eyes to be mediocre. 17 legit wins for Beck with an ERA under 4 and at least one brawl.

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Curt Schilling: The Blond Bomber. The Prince of Medfield. The Sack-Up King. We like coming up with cool nicknames for Curt, because it helps us forget that he’s also The Forty Year Old Guy Whose Ankle Could Give at Any Moment. He claims 2007 will be his last pro baseball season, but a good year might encourage a comeback.

Pros:It’s allegedly his last year before retirement, so Curt will certainly want to go out on a high note. He’s been a consistent performer for the Sox, running a 44-21 record since arriving in 2004; take away the blemish of his injury shortened 2005 season, and he’s at 36-13. He’s a proven commodity; a go-to guy for the big games who takes a ridiculously high amount of pride in his performance, and you can never go wrong with these types of players in your stable.

Cons:That ankle thing is like a Sword of Damocles hanging over all of us. His otherworldly addiction to Everquest brings the constant fear that he’ll dump baseball for full-time elf hunting. Combining his penchant for calling out non-performing teammates with Matsuzaka’s English language difficulties sets potential for an “international incident.”

Verdict:Are you shitting us? This is a guy who had his ankle stapled up hours before hitting the mound at Yankee Stadium. Always bet on Curt.

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Tim Wakefield:The elder statesman of the Red Sox. Wakefield is the epitome of team player and all-around good guy. He’s got the “lifetime” contract thingy going and will finish his career with the Sox. For everything he’s done on the field: starter, long reliever and closer, his most significant, most meaningful contributions come off the field. Wakefield is the most frequent visitor to the Jimmy Fund. When he spends time there, it’s for the kids, not the cameras.

Pros:Versatility is Wake’s biggest asset. The guy can throw the knuckler ‘till the cows come home. Then go back out the next day and do it again. Or he can come in for mop-up in a blow-out. Or he can be the set-up guy. Or he can close. Sure we want him as a starter, but is there room? We’ll see.

Cons:Wakefield has a couple of things going against him. One is his inconsistency. When he’s got the knuckleball dancing, he’s damn near unhittable. It’s beautiful to see, like watching Shakira prove her hips don’t lie, it’s mesmerizing. Especially to hitters. But when that thing isn’t knuckling, it’s getting hit. Far. Before you can piss out your first beer, the Sox are down 5 and Francona hasn’t even been to the mound yet. Second, Doug Mirabelli. ‘Nuff said.

Verdict:Wakefield is a guy you want to have around. If the Sox do end up with “too many” starters, there’s always a need for a spot start and Wake can work out of the ‘pen. If he ends up in the rotation, even better. Just keep an eye on him, there will be days he needs a short lease and a quick hook. As a starter, he’ll get you 13 wins, not bad for a number five.

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Roger Clemens:The Rocket back at Fenway? That’s the rumor floating around. Of course, only Roger and his accountants know for sure, but this much is true: Unless he’s got a mistress in every city or a gambling addiction we don’t know about, Roc certainly isn’t hurting for cash. So his heart and family matters will likely play heavier in any decision he makes.

Pros:You simply can’t go wrong with Roger, who has truly become better with age. A workhorse who would instantly inspire Schilling and the rest of the crew to raise their games even higher. Hot wife Debbie will be trolling Newbury Street again, much to the delight of pervs like myself. He’s one game away from breaking a deadlock with Cy Young for most wins by a Red Sox pitcher, and it may just be worth it for him to slip into the uniform one more time to lock that up.

Cons:Roger has fostered a bizarre love/hate relationship with the Boston fans since his departure, so it wouldn’t surprise us to see him re-sign with the Yankees as a final “screw you.” His caddy and personal lapdog Andy Pettitte has already signed with New York for 2007, so it won’t be long until Cashman and Torre are offering free steaks and lapdances to get Roger back as well. His contract will surely include mucho days off, a private jetpack, etc., which could cause consternation among his teammates.

Verdict:Honestly, I don’t give a fuck if Julio Lugo whines ‘cause Rog gets to fly back to Texas on the weekends. I want Clemens back!

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There it is, folks. Now you can say you got everything you wanted for Christmas. And when you back to work, feel free to pass off our expert analysis as your own. It’s your rep, not our’s. See you in 2007. That is, unless you’ve got the stones to visit us before then at www.survivinggrady.com.