SOX OFFENDERS

Okay, so 2005 really didn't give us that repeat World Series title we'd been hoping for. And 2006, well that was something even worse, wasn't it? But that doesn't mean 2007 is destined for the crapper, despite Theo's attempts to ditch our best fielding shortstop in some time and one of the single greatest offensive producers of our generation. In fact, if every single dice he's rolled turns up sixes, we could be on the precipice of one of the greatest seasons ever. Or at least a lot better than, y'know, that time when Phil Plantier was the starting first baseman. After some serious thought fueled by copious amounts of alcohol, Denton and I have identified some things that could certainly make for a splendid season.

Josh Beckett can only get better: Well, truth be told, I suppose he could get worse. But I'll give the guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that after the wet fart that was his 2006 debut with the Sox, he'll want to make amends and prove that Theo wasn't on hallucinogens when he signed him for sacks of cash. I mean, it's the least the guy could do, don't you think? If he can sack up and show us even a hint of the guy who spearheaded the Marlins' conquest of the Yanks in 2003, I we should be in good shape.

Wily Mo Pena get mo’ at-bats: We’ve seen this guy hit a ball so hard off the back of the Monster seats it bounced back to the infield. Not to get all scientific, but that’s pretty fucking hard. If this guy can learn a little bit about patience, he is a legitimate 30 HR, 100 RBI guy. He brings the lumber, my friends. Between Manny off-days and Coco/Drew injuries, getting him 400 at-bats should be easy. Defense? I thought we decided we didn’t care about that? Otherwise we’d still be Lugo-free at shortstop.

Curt Schilling wants to go out with a bang: At least I would think he does. The guy talks a good game, and unlike so many other players, he seems the sort who doesn't ever want to be in a position where he can't back up his overactive pie hole with solid performance. Entering his last season with the Sox, I'm betting he'll want to put up some phenomenal numbers to enable him to either end his storied career on a high note or jockey for bargaining position if he decides to go for another year. When the shit hits the fan, you could do worse than bet on Schilldog.

Jon Lester returns to baseball: So far, the news on Lester has been good. Real good. Cancer-free according to his last scan. He’s got one more treatment and one more scan. If all goes well, he will start working out to get in baseball shape. What a story that will be. If he can get back into 2005 form, it will be like making a blockbuster deal for a starter without giving up anything. Of course, Red Sox Nation wishes him the best of health above any baseball concerns, but wouldn’t it be cool to have the Lance Armstrong of baseball here in Boston?

J.D. Drew could be a powerhouse: So far, we've heard plenty of bad about J.D. Drew. He's slovenly. He can't cut it in a big market like Boston. He'll bring us all down like some kind of wooden albatross. But on the other hand, what if that shit only makes him stronger? I mean, we all pretty much wrote off Mike Lowell before he'd even donned a Boston uni. And, as a result, the guy brought his A game. The same could work for Drew, who I'm sure is very much aware of the reputation that precedes him. If he steps it up, imagine the sort of hell he could raise in a three-way combo with Manny and Papi.

Coco Crisp turns into…Coco Crisp: Before being plagued with a nagging injury last season, Coco Crisp was just what Theo wanted to replace Damon. In his final two years in Cleveland, Crisp averaged 142 games with a .299 batting average, .345 OBP, .456 SLG and .800 OPS. Compare that to his 105 game, .264/.317/.385/.702 performance in 2006. Not even close to what he can do. Despite his struggles at the plate, he plays superior defense to Damon day in and day out. Last year he made one of top three spectacular diving catches in all of baseball. And he’s not the rusting asshole Damon is. 2007 will be the summer of Coco.

There you have it, a few pieces of the puzzle that is the 2007 Red Sox club. There are other questions, to be sure. Will Matsuzaka sign? It seems foolhardy for all parties not to come to terms. How will Papelbon fare as a starter? He’ll be fine, just fine. Who will pitch the ninth? Who will fill in the other holes? In Theo we trust. Right?

Check out Red and Denton at www.survivinggrady.com for a daily insult to your intelligence.