SOX OFFENDERS

There are certain things you can set your watch to in this town. The annual Labor Day weekend return of the college girls. The running of the L-Street Brownies. My cousin Chavez throwing up on himself at the Cask n’ Flagon. And the “trade Manny” headlines.

Every year around this time, the local sports scribes ascend to the very top of their high horses and explain, in painful detail, how Manny has wronged us fans, phoning it in and slagging off on the job, all the while wallpapering his den with sacks of Red Sox money. To them, I extend a hearty, “Fuck you.” Because so long as he’s putting up the kinds of numbers he’s been putting up since the day Dan Duquette gave him the key to the vault, I say Manny can pretty much come to my house, drink all my beer, feel up my woman and take a dump out my window if he so desires. That’s how much I love watching the guy play.

But this year, with ridonkulous amounts of cash being thrown at the likes of Carlos Lee and Alfonso Soriano, the possibility of a Manny movement has probably never been more likely to occur. So today, for the umpteenth time, Denton and I will debate the seemingly non-debatable topic: Should the Red Sox trade Manny?

Keep Manny:Over the past five or six years, the Sox front office has made some questionable moves. There was that bullpen by committee thing in 2003, but then they countered pretty nicely with that spare parts team – a Bellhorn here, a Mueller there – that miraculously won the World Series. Then more questionable stuff, like dumping O-Cab for Edgar Renteria. And then, just a few weeks ago, dumping A-Gon – perhaps the best Sox shortstop I’ve seen in my lifetime – for what will likely be Julio Lugo. But through all this stuff, there was Manny. Ironically, for all the “goofball” labels he’s been forced to wear since his arrival, he’s truly been the glue that holds everything together.

He’s also pretty much the last truly successful big-money signing that the team has made, with the possible exception of Curt Schilling. But Curt really only gave us one spectacular season [so far]. Manny, on the other hand, has been a consistent producer since he landed here. He’s that rare commodity – a big money player who delivers big money results. The kinda guy whose very presence in a line-up can change the course of a game. There are only two players currently on the team who can put you ahead with one swing of the bat. If Manny goes, that will leave only David Ortiz. And if you think Papi’ll get anything decent to swing at without Manny’s protection in the line-up, well… you just don’t know much.

So the guy might occasionally forget to put on his pants; he at least keeps thing entertaining. While I certainly appreciate the strong, silent, “I’ll let my bat do the talking, thanks” types like Bill Mueller, it’s pretty fucking awesome to have a guy like Manny goofing around in the outfield, mugging for the camera, adjusting his doo-rag when he should be focused on the ball in play. He makes it entertaining, and at the end of the day, that’s what baseball is supposed to be: An escape from the harsh reality that is your jerk-off boss or your wife’s 400-pound ass spread across the sofa, waiting for you to come home.

We’d miss him, folks. Even people who don’t want to admit it would have to admit it sooner or later. We’d miss that grin. We’d miss those ham hands. But mostly, we’d miss that bat. Where the fuck will the hits come from? The RBIs? And you just know that if he actually is traded, we’ll never get equal value, like a front-line starter or an Andruw Jones-like bat. In the end, his absence would create a larger hole than any replacement parts could fill. It would be a travesty to let it all just slip away. So why let him go?

Let me tell you this: If the front office does in fact deal Manny away for a handful of unproven talent – one rumor has him going to San Fran for prospects – then I am personally mailing a box of my shit to Yawkey Way. And you can take that to the bank.

Trade Manny:Please Red, go have another Red Bull and vodka while I explain the Manny thing. I can give you about 40 million reasons why he should be traded now, while he still has some value. While the so-called market correction seems to have run its course, the Manny mega-contract still holds the Red Sox back. Sure, I know, production at the plate, protection for Papi, yadda, yadda, yadda. How about some hustle? Or a little defense? Or some friggin’ heart? OK, that’s 40 million and three reasons.

Let’s get one thing straight: I’ve defended the guy the whole time he’s been here. But what he did at the end of last season was the final cop-out. The Pharangitis: I it let slide.  The haircuts: everybody needs haircuts. The side trips to the Dominican: all forgiven when Manny ran out waving a little American flag. But to quit on the team during the stretch run: that shit don’t fly.

Numbers at the plate can be replaced. Look at what Frank Thomas did last year. I’m not a Julio Lugo fan or a “DL” Drew fan either, but there are guys out there that can protect Ortiz. You might not have to look any further than Wily Mo Pena. And I’m pretty sure he could learn the wall. No joke. Spend the Manny money on some pitching and grab a couple more outfielders, one of them preferably named Dave Roberts, and bring on 2007.

Seriously, we’ve gotten our money’s worth. Great production numbers and some yucks at Manny’s antics, but it’s time to move on. Do you really want to see him in two years, playing a hundred games, walking the bases, letting balls drop all around left field while he’s taking a piss inside the Green Monster? I don’t think you do. Manny can go hit his decline somewhere else, and we can reap the benefits of what we get in return.

The winter meetings are less than a week away and hopefully this will all be put to bed by Christmas. Then we can start dreaming about spring and scantily-clad girls and new M&M colors. Can I have an amen? Read more of this Pulitzer Prize content daily at www.survivinggrady.com.