Sox Offenders

In just a matter of days, the 2006 season will essentially end for the Boston Red Sox, leaving us with a couple weeks of Craig Breslow and Eric Hinske before the playoffs start up and Fenway goes dark. That means it’s time to start focusing on the 2007 season, and who’s gonna be left standing when the impending shit-storm hits Yawkey Way. As a service to Theo and the Trio, Denton and I officially offer our thoughts on who should stay, who should go, and who should be added to the mix.

Keep Manny: Like clockwork, as soon as the World Series ends, the “For Sale” sign will be hung around Manny’s neck. With only a couple years left on his contract, he’ll certainly garner some second looks. But the bottom line is, Manny’s one of the most productive bats in the game, and has proven one of the few big-money investments this team has made that actually turned out to be worth every cent. Each year, he’ll give you 40 home runs, a hundred plus RBIs, and the occasional lapse when he needs to take a week off to visit a sick camel in Peru or something equally bizarre. Who gives a fuck? He protects Ortiz in the line-up and gives you another bat that can turn a game around with one swat. With inability to score runs one of the things that sank our 2006 chances, giving up one of your offensive “sure things” just wouldn’t make sense. Unless, y’know, you brought in Gary Sheffield and Andruw Jones. Then… hmmmm.

Dump Trot: Understand: I like Trot. Gutsy player. Dude you’d totally want having your back in a bar fight or when faced with a charging Don Zimmer. He’s the quintessential “dirt dog” who isn’t above diving into the stands and wrestling with New York drunks to make a play. He’s also given us some big-ass moments, like that pinch-hit, game winning home run against Oakland in Game Three of the 2003 ALDS. He’s got tenacity, that boy, and we applaud it. But, Jesus Christ, he’s also a friggin’ health liability beyond compare, tearing out his ass, leg, back and what have you almost like clockwork year in and year out. It’s been a great run, but I just can’t see re-signing him. Teach Wily Mo to field and hope his bat comes alive like Frampton.

Keep A-Gon: Hey, I’m all for guys that step up to the plate and knock the shit out of the ball and scare the piss out of the opposing pitchers. But the 2006 Red Sox taught me a little something about the value of defense. Watching Alex Gonzalez flashing his skills more often than a drunken co-ed on Bourbon Street has been a pleasure. It’s hard to put a value on great defense: how many hits did he take away with a flash of leather? How many extra outs on eye-popping double plays? And this translates into fewer pitches thrown, less batters faced, shorter innings, all good stuff. I’ve taken all of these factors and created a new algorithm and the answer I got was: keep A-Gon.

 Dump Mirabelli: If one more person asks, “then who will catch Wake?” I’m taking hostages. Sure Dougie can hold his own against the fickle floating of Wakefield’s knuckler, but Christ, he’s batting a buck-eighty-four. Not only that, he can barely catch anything that isn’t a knuckle ball. Take the million-and-a-half and expand the vegetable garden in the bullpen.

Stretch Out Papelbon: The guy has been nails coming out of the ‘pen to saves games. But I’d rather see him take the hill every 5 days for 7 or 8 innings. Spend a few bucks for a serviceable closer and add a nice third starter in the person of Papelbon. If Bob Wickman and Todd Jones can get 30-plus saves, there are guys out there. We need Papelbon fever in Boston. Hats, shirts, action figures, scantily-clad college girls flashing him from the new “Hooters” section at Fenway. Papelbon will be a cult. Get Dr. Charles on line one to get this rolling. At least the “Hooters” thing.

Sign Roger: Call it nostalgia or this 40-ounce I’ve been pulling from, but I want Roger back in Boston something fierce. If you believe everything you read in the papers (and why shouldn’t you?), he truly wanted to resign with Boston this season, but the Gods of Baseball (a division of Peter Gammons, Inc.) were clearly watching out and said, “Fuck, no,” anticipating the horrific amounts of suck that would soon envelope the team. But this off season will give everyone the chance to get it right. We sign Roger, bring him back to Boston for his final season, and set the earth back on its proper axis. Hey, and having his still-hot wife Debbie around wouldn’t hurt, either.

That’s it, sports fans. Not too much to ask. So many of the pieces are already in place and just need to be complemented. A utility fielder here, an extra arm in the ‘pen there, and who knows? The foundation for a championship team is there: the Weapons of Mass Destruction hitting third and fourth, the one-two-three punch of Schilling, Beckett and Papelbon at the head of the rotation, the defense of A-Gon and Crisp and Youk. The team is close, closer than they look in the standings. Wait ‘til next year. It’s not like you have a choice.

More incoherent ramblings can be found at www.survivinggrady.com every day.