Sox On the Clock

Sox on the Clock
By Patrick Ronan

Professional athletes are the lucky ones. They were born with the raw talent that only a microscopic percentage of the world has. They get paid for playing a game. But what if there was no such thing as sports? What would these guys do for work? The job force is crowded enough out there. I look at this cast of characters in the Boston lineup and I see a lot of potential for the job market. I tried to come up with the best career for a handful of Sox players based on….well, not really based on anything except for what I see on the field. Which isn’t all that fair. A player’s demeanor and work ethic on the field may not carry over to an office, but let me dream god dammit. Here are the perfect jobs for your Boston Red Sox:

Terry Francona- Waiter.

Whether the service is good or bad, every one wants to tell Tito what to do.

Tim Wakefield- Upper level management

He’s the loyal guy in your company. The guy that gets the watch for being in the office for 25 years. I could see the knuckleballer starting at an entry level position and working his way into a prominent role in management. But he’d be one of the cool suits who’d still show his face around the mail room and interact with the interns.
Wakefield’s the guy who turns down the higher paying, bigger office position so he can have time to coach his son’s Little League team. Sounds pretty accurate. Don’t you think?

Curt Schilling- Politician

It didn’t take his public appearances with George Bush on the campaign trail for me to figure out that Schilling was meant to be in politics.
He’s the guy you want on your side. He’s the guy you love when he’s “pitching” for you. But he’s also the guy you absolutely despise with a fiery passion if he’s on the other ticket. He’s the face of the Red Sox. And he’d make for a great poster boy for some political party. I’m just crossing my fingers that it doesn’t actually happen.

Bronson Arroyo- Struggling Musician

Arroyo would be the weekly performer at your local bar. He’d get a pretty good following on a small scale but never make it big because he wouldn’t sell out for the sake of fame. He’d just be happy banging the local Northeastern talent who show up to jam. You can tell that music is a real passion for him. And he’s only been playing guitar since 1999. And he’s got a CD coming out already. You never know. Maybe he’ll be playing Fenway Park through concert someday. Jimmy Buffet did. And a parrot on someone’s head is more ridiculous than corned rows if you ask me.

David Wells- Construction

Do I really have to spell this one out? He should just head to the mound with a hard hat on instead of a cap.

Keith Foulke- Professional Bowler

I saw him at Lucky Strike Lanes a couple months ago. He managed to break 200 in every frame while still making time to sign autographs, take pictures with fans and pound a couple beers. That’s impressive. So pro bowling it is for our closer.

Jason Varitek- High School Teacher/Professor

Everyone had that one teacher they’ll always remember. The mentor. That’s who Varitek would be. Tek would be the teacher who looks past his own brilliance and tries to help every student who really wants to learn. Imagine Varitek teaching anything, even Geometry. I don’t even know if he’s good with math, but if he knew it, he’d teach it well. And he’d get you to love Geometry. And that’s hard to do. In my high school, getting poked in the eye with a rusty fork on a daily basis would have been more desirable than going to Geometry class.

Bill Mueller- Real Estate Broker

Mueller is your go-to-guy. The guy that scores the big deal in the clutch. Who else could you see on this team sporting suit and tie, making you feel good about your living situation? I’ve always thought that Mueller was fairly ordinary looking for a professional athlete. He looks like you’re next door neighbor. So I bet he could be in that line of work, he just happened to be damn good at baseball growing up.

Edgar Renteria- Sports Anchor

I should clarify by saying a sports anchor back in Columbia or some 3rd World Country. He just looks like an on-air sports personality to me. If Chris Collins can host his own show on NECN in the United State, than I don’t see why Renteria couldn’t be on-air talent. He may botch a line hear and there, much like he may with a grounder in the field once and a while, but he’s your local sports anchor and you think he’s better than what any other station has got. But not better than Champ Kind from Anchorman. There is no better than Champ. How do you say Whammy in Spanish?

Mark Bellhorn- Mime

And he’d be the worst mime in the world. But it was the best job he could find that consisted of him not having to say a word to anyone. Instead of being trapped inside of a fake box, trying to get out, he’d probably just sit on a bench and stare at the crowd going by. And people would think, “God, what a horrible mime” Sorry, Mark. I love you man, but you strike out in the mime industry, too.

Kevin Millar- Professional Wrestler

Millar is a walking gimmick. He is meant for the WWE. Whether as a wrestler, a manager, or a play by play guy, the forum of pro wrestling is Millar’s lost calling. And don’t hold your breath. Don’t be surprised if you turn on Monday Night Raw someday and see a goofy guy in a cowboy hat doing a shot of Jack Daniels before he fights for the championship belt.

David Ortiz- Bouncer

For all the far-fetched ideas, this is probably the closest to the truth. Couldn’t you just see him? Decked out in all leather sporting the black shades, guarding the red rope. If Big Papi doesn’t want you in, he won’t say anything. He’ll just grill you and slowly shake his big Shrek head. And you know there’s no chance in hell of getting past him. But if he likes you and recognizes you, you’ll get that wide grin and maybe even a big ‘ol bear hug. And whether you feel comfortable hugging a man in front of your friends or not, you will do it. You will have no choice.

Trot Nixon- Hunter/Hitman

I am a huge fan of Trot and he seems like a stand up guy, but I get the sense that he was meant to be an assassin in some shape or form. He’s got that killer instinct that may be going to waste on the diamond. I think Stoolies have discussed this topic before but Trot is the guy you want on your side in any altercation.

Johnny Damon- Rocket Scientist

I’m being sarcastic of course. The only time Johnny could be a scientist/doctor/therapist or anything that involves a whole lot of brain work, he’d have to playing it in a movie or TV show. And that’s probably what Johnny would do. I see him as a soap star. Or as one of those commercial whores who appear in almost 75-percent of the ads you see on TV. I mean, Christ, he’s already in a shit load.

Manny Ramirez- Unemployed (But happy about it)

Manny is the funny guy giving you weather reports dressed up as the Cat in the Hat in the Boston Common for change. I love Manny, but the guy was meant to play baseball. Or maybe I’m dead wrong on this one. Maybe is just way ahead of our time and thinks at a different level than all of us. Or….maybe he just smokes a lot of weed in the off season.

So there is life beyond professional sports for these guys. And I leave you with these wise words of wisdom: Tip your manager…always listen to your catcher...and stay away from that sketchy mime.